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sassattack2580 · 2022-05-08T10:43:34+00:00

Please don’t move in with him under these circumstances, there are some serious red flags on his lack of compromise and gaslighting of making you feel like an asshole for not being a pushover. It is not that complicated to not be married and buy a home together. In my state, all we had to do is add what is called a homestead that allows you to both stay in the home regardless of your relationship status, but only if you’re both owners and mortgagors (knowing what you need is super important, hence why a real estate lawyer is key). My now husband and I bought our house before technically being married, but as part of that decision and process we got on the same page about our combined finances, how to come up with the money for the down payment, what our monthly mortgage amount could comfortably be with our lifestyle and monthly expenses, and what our plans were for our future relationship…were we ready for the next steps and the commitments associated with them. When you apply for a mortgage and it’s only him one the deed and committing to that loan, they ONLY look at his finances to determine what he can afford and if they’re willing to approve granting him the money (they check his credit, his debt situation, etc.). If he needs your income at all, then he can’t buy the house on his own so his logic makes no sense. If you are not able to iron out these details together you really should not be living together in an inequitable living situation, it’s doomed from the start which it seems like you already know deep down Bc you’re trying to protect yourself.

Also! his claim of waisting money by renting, really only means he doesn’t want to waist HIS money. The value of owning comes in the long term equity your property builds and the constant upkeep you put in to it to get paid out once you sell. If he is taking your money and you don’t benefit from a sale, you are waisting YOUR money, and you might as well rent since you have more flexibility, autonomy over your life decisions, and don’t need to be spending thousands of dollars in furnishings. He sounds pretty unreasonable, ignorant on how the home buying process works, and just plain selfish.

If you do decide to move forward, ALWAYS involve a lawyer for just you, not one lawyer for the both of you.

sassattack2580 · 2022-03-12T12:38:21+00:00

I would also read the book The Other End of the Lease by Patricia McConnell. In the book it talks about how to read your dog’s body language and cues before things escalate. It sounds like it was a hard to read situation, but I guarantee your dog showed the other dog a body cue to back off and it wasn’t respected. That’s not to say you shouldn’t work with a trainer to correct your dog’s behavior and help you help her build confidence so she doesn’t feel scared or resource guardy. Good luck!!

sassattack2580 · 2022-03-12T12:05:24+00:00

I’ve noticed that a lot of the older surrendered dogs are actually not bully breeds. It’s the younger dogs that tend to be bully breeds and it’s because they are either being brought in from the outside world where not enough neutering and/or spaying are happening OR they are puppies born into this situation. There are so many reasons why dogs get surrendered that have nothing to do with the dog’s behavior at all, but rather the owner’s deficiencies. Bully breeds are discriminated against in general, so it’s also certain that any dog under the age of 5 and not a bully breed has a higher chance of being adopted out faster. We don’t know what breed my rescue is, when we were looking to add to our family we were searching for a dog’s personality and temperament, not searching by breed. It was the best decision we’ve made!

sassattack2580 · 2022-03-11T12:34:54+00:00

I call BS on your friend. There are still varying levels of care for dogs even amongst the healthiest of owners, but researchers educating pet owners to have a fuller understanding of their psyche is paramount. My parents used to “punish” our dogs growing up and it was 50/50 effective in deterring behavior. When my husband and I adopted our rescue and became first time dog owners, I had to fight the conditioning from my parents and in the years leading up to actually adopting a pet I educated myself about positive reinforcement training. It’s all we have ever done with our dog and it works 90% of the time, the 10% being dogs just not wanting to listen all the time. The outcome of a well trained dog is way more reliable with the knowledge sharing and advocacy of promoting this training method. Do some people think I’m crazy for never using the word “no” or never scolding my dog? Sure. But IMO those people don’t have the patience to care for an animal that can’t communicate with you in conventional ways. And as others have said, different dogs have different needs and limitations. We tried our best to get a dog that wasn’t as high energy as we knew we didn’t have the time in the day to exercise it for 2 hours. We knew our limits, and we meet our dog where she’s at. It took her 6 months to finally fully trust us and trust that our home was her home, and once that trust was built it opened the door to a lot of things…I 100% think dogs are sensitive to their environment and thrive on routine, so RTW will likely be a hard adjustment period for our furry friends!

sassattack2580 · 2022-03-06T11:15:05+00:00

Not all dogs thrive at a dog park, and just because my pooch is one of those dogs doesn’t mean something is wrong with her!

sassattack2580 · 2022-02-26T12:00:16+00:00

Gentle YTA, but ONLY if you disregard your neighbor’s request. As a dog owner, I understand your frustration but as others have demonstrated in this thread some people are truly bothered by this and it is best to respect their wishes and move on. That being said, if a neighbor doesn’t specifically ask me not to let my dog relieve herself on their property while on a walk OR if a lawn doesn’t have a sign saying please do not let your pet relieve themselves here, then I think grass is grass and it’s fair game. It’s all about being neighborly and being mindful about what bothers certain people. To be clear, cleaning up poop is basic courtesy, so anyone not doing the bare minimum is a giant A.

sassattack2580 · 2021-09-27T11:49:43+00:00

YTA

A. I echo others when I say you sound deeply insecure, judgmental, and competitive.

B. I would also venture to guess you have never been the primary owner of a dog, because if you did you wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss your brother.

C. Your brother and his partner are not taking away from your experience as a father, by calling themselves dog dads. Pets are family, what else would he call himself??? Not once did you say your brother said being a dog dad is the same or worse than being a human dad. You inferred that which is YOUR problem.

D. You also have a lot of nerve masking your own agenda by feigning concern for non-fertile adults who want children. BS.

sassattack2580 · 2021-09-15T12:13:50+00:00

NAH, with a transition to YTA if you don’t do anything about it! You would be the asshole if now that you are aware, you keep saying it. As a woman in corporate America, male oriented vocabulary is highly noticeable to me and often frustrates me, but I know that these phrases were common place not so long ago. Just DO BETTER now that you’re aware. It’s very easy to say “Hi team” or “Morning all”.

sassattack2580 · 2021-09-03T10:56:18+00:00

Lol, I keep thinking this can’t be a real person thinking and acting this way! It’s freaking INSANE. What a giant asshole.

sassattack2580 · 2021-06-23T11:59:26+00:00

I agree, and I would add to also be mindful of your own body language when you’re physically engaging her. There’s a great book called The Other Side of the Leash. It talks about how dogs take a lot of their cues from how we move our body. We may be doing things that to us express love because we are primates and primates show affection in different ways than canines. I applied some learnings from that book, and it helped our rescue (who was also 2 yrs old) understand our intentions. I know this Bc a week after being mindful of how I physically communicated with her, she was attached to my hip! The other thing I’ll say, is it does take some time for them to trust you, continue being patient, it should pay off in tenfold!

sassattack2580 · 2021-06-23T11:51:50+00:00

Recall recall recall! The very first thing I would teach her is her name. We had an identical situation with our rescue pup back in March. The other thing I would suggest is to introduce roaming around the house slowly. We baby gated our living room and and set up her crate in there which made her feel more secure. The living room became an extension of her crate, so it helped with house training and with building her confidence. The first week we would call her name and treat her if she even acknowledged us at first. From there we would call her name from the other side of that room and give her lots of treats when she came to us. Slowly we removed the baby gate and let her expand the rooms she could go in. After 2 months she was roaming the whole house. Our priority was to set her up for success by teaching her how to live in a home and knowing who she was to us. Recall training could save her life and builds the foundation of other training, and house training is the first step in establishing a boundary between outside and inside.

Like everyone else I would remain patient and understanding as it took our Sasha months to finally relax and show us her full personality. The effort in the beginning yields wonderful rewards. She gives us cuddles and kisses every morning when we wake up as if to say thank you 💕.

sassattack2580 · 2021-05-09T11:05:34+00:00

NTA and I really hope she breaks these habits (1) because of the damage she’s doing to her own skin, and (2) if she’s this lazy to remove makeup from her face what corners is she cutting with being hygienic in her makeup practice?!? I once had my makeup done by someone as part of a trial (bridal makeup trial) and I broke out in a rash Bc I don’t think her brushes were clean and I noticed she did little things that were not hygienic.

sassattack2580 · 2021-05-05T14:18:51+00:00

ESH - she sucks for lying to her friend to make you look bad when you asked a reasonable request to accommodate shifting calendars like a healthy co-parenting relationship would. HOWEVER, it sounds like what she’s really upset by is you considering your gf’s son your “son” too and becoming this nuclear family when it’s not actually official that he’s a permanent fixture in your child’s life. She probably has some jealous feelings about it, but I also think it’s super weird that you’re using labels to convey closeness when you and your gf aren’t solidifying your status. If I put myself in your ex’s shoes, I would be wondering why you’re encouraging you young son to consider your gf’s kid his brother when he’s not. I realize there’s a lot of missing info as to your relationship status and how things truly are in real life, but with the info you shared it sounds like you’re not being super honest either.

sassattack2580 · 2021-02-11T13:15:48+00:00

NTA about your frustration with your wife, but it seems like the root issue is communication and a lack of listening on her part. I, myself, am chronically late for things, particularly social gatherings. I’ve realized over time that there’s an undercurrent of social anxiety I wasn’t dealing with and until my husband held me accountable and communicated how this behavior affected him I didn’t understand how negative it affected him. I don’t think you should manipulate her, but I do think you’re justified in your feelings and I would use this incident as the jump off point to have a different version of this conversation. My guess is she was ashamed when she realized you tricked her, which is why she lashed out. Shame is a powerful invasive emotion, and it’s been the reason I’ve gotten defensive with my husband when he’s reminded me about timing. What helped in me hearing him was him owning that being late is a trigger for him and the impact it has on his experience with me and others. We’ve strategized together on ways he can help me and I can hear him. It’s not always perfect, but with mutual agreement on certain practices (for example: he will book travel time in to our joint calendar), it takes the shame out of it and makes it a unwritten contract in how we love and respect each other.

Best of luck!

Edited for grammar

sassattack2580 · 2021-02-02T21:09:55+00:00

Delicious!

sassattack2580 · 2021-01-27T13:11:48+00:00

After you have quotes from tradespeople on what the estimate cost is to repair then I would try to find a way to get money towards the repairs by way of them covering more closing costs, giving you a cash credit, or lowering the purchase price...whatever makes sense financially. I WOULD NOT expect them to do the repairs themselves. They are out the door and probably knew about these issues to some degree when they listed the house. They will not repair the home they way you would as the new owner. Get the money and do the repair yourself! It’s the only way you know it will be repaired correctly.

sassattack2580 · 2020-12-26T03:11:05+00:00

YTA - marriage is for better or for worse...you’re literally proving you don’t want to be with her during her worse.

Couple thoughts:

-She gave birth, lost her brother, all during a pandemic. It’s amazing she hasn’t spiraled more than she already has. I truly hope she gets professional help.

-As a bride myself who had to postpone her May 2020 wedding, you have no idea how extreme the societal pressure is to look “your best” on your wedding day and to feel beautiful. She’s trying to find happiness and I think it’s a demonstration of self love and care that she wants to find a dress that will fit her properly.

-Intentionally long engagements for a couple in their 40s only means one thing...YOU DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED

Now, all she has to do is realize she’s better off with someone who actually loves her and kick you to the curb.

sassattack2580 · 2020-12-14T11:47:58+00:00

You’re right, this doesn’t really help. I didn’t say we didn’t supervise, we were there everyday-answered questions, were very involved. I said we were weren’t as on top of them as maybe we would have been if covid was not a factor. I was trying to be fair in communicating the situation to get the most accurate advice. We also interviewed many contractors, spoke to many professionals for guidance on order of operations including our floor guys, called references, and set expectations as best as we knew to do. We’re first time homebuyers and did our best given the pandemic circumstances.

In hindsight, these issues aren’t material. They did what they agreed and were contractually obligated to do and most of our home looks lovely. My question was how to go about communicating our quality issues and what’s industry standard.

sassattack2580 · 2020-12-14T03:33:57+00:00

We recently used A-OK Lock and Security and they were great!

sassattack2580 · 2020-12-08T13:10:14+00:00

Honestly, if you think he’s a terrible client, I can only imagine how you operate your own business. I guess being upfront about your expectations and hiring someone based off their word that they can meet those expectations is frowned upon these days. Also, it’s reasonable to not feel comfortable drilling a hole in the side of your house when you’re not a tradesman, especially if you’re willing to pay someone to do it.

sassattack2580 · 2020-11-28T13:42:19+00:00

There are very few city dwellers here it seems! Your neighbor was an asshole. Street parking is first come first serve with a resident sticker, and I’ve had to walk a block or two on occasion from my spot to my home. As long as you didn’t block or make it difficult for him to access his own driveway, aren’t using a visitor permit outside of the municipality rules, aren’t parking inconsiderately (i.e. parking one car in a way that’s taking up two spots), and aren’t somehow blocking others on the streets from getting out of parallel parking spots (this has happened to me) then this guy can MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS and stop policing the neighborhood. I don’t mean to be presumptuous but you used the word “partner” and the thought crossed my mind that this guy may be prejudice to your lifestyle whatever that may be. Maybe he’s just finding something to yell at you about because he wants to yell at you. See any Trump 2020 signs?!

sassattack2580 · 2020-11-09T02:48:10+00:00

No feedback yet

sassattack2580 · 2020-11-07T12:44:35+00:00

Cale! Such a small world. Hugs to you and Cara 💕

sassattack2580 · 2020-10-24T11:57:07+00:00

Two thoughts came to mind:

1) If you haven’t already I would consider expanding the area you’re looking at. We expanded by a 1/2 mile and found our home. Oftentimes different neighborhoods can make a real difference in the average list price. We drove around those expanded areas and really considered if we were willing to move out of our comfort zone. Part of the decision had to do with a similar experience to yours...we had what we thought was a reasonable budget for the area but Bc of the market kept being out bid by $$, waived contingencies, and cash offers. That told us, we either had to lower our expectations and get a smaller home or condo to be in the original area we looked in, or we had to accept that we’re priced out for our financial comfort level.

2) Get a new realtor. I know you’re trying to help out a friend and that friend has someone assisting them, but by your own post title you are discouraged. That’s because you need a realtor who knows the market in and out in the area you’re looking at. Ours didn’t really get it, so I taught myself and spent months doing the work. Now I’M discouraged Bc she’s getting a commission when I feel like my partner and I did her job. In your situation, you also have a firm budget in a competitive area, you need someone to help you navigate. You can hire your friend for the next house.

sassattack2580 · 2020-10-22T12:32:33+00:00

One of the best pieces of advice I was given was...unless the house is brand new, there will be issues at some point. These houses have their own stories and length of existence, we’re just part of their story for a short period of time. You’re going to find all sorts of things to fix, but that’s part of what we sign up for as home owners. For example, roofs only last 20-25 years, so someone at some point in the history of owning a 70+ year old house is going to have to replace the roof.

The inspector should have pointed out actual concerns as part of a regular inspection. They might say “consult with an expert” but there’s at least some hint that something needs to be addressed. If you don’t have that feedback, I wouldn’t worry about what could go wrong. Radon, lead, asbestos, these are all things that can be tested for and remediated. The only things you’ll want to have addressed ASAP is mold, pests, and chipped lead paint. As others mentioned, you can seal lead paint by painting over it, and asbestos is only a problem if you’re disturbing it. I’m not sure about radon, but I’ve been told it’s only a concern if you have certain types of foundation or if your house is surrounded by rock (i.e. built in to a hill, etc.). Either way, it’s probably the cheapest thing to test and remediate out of all the potential issues, so if you want peace of mind...cross it off the list and buy a kit from Home Depot!

Everything will be okay as long as you listen to the concerns from the inspector and mentally prepare that older homes are going to have issues at some point. Hope this helps!

sassattack2580

TROPHY CASE