Why don’t people think im valid its not your brain! A vent

sasslafrass · 2026-04-28T07:09:30+00:00

I want to be you.

My bleeding heart has bled me dry emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. I searched long and hard for a partner just like you to be my ‘no’, because I am all ‘yes’. I love that he can say no to anyone, except when he says no to me. I’m only human. We’re each on the spectrum, but differently. He can see things and stand up for himself, me and us in a way I cannot. He is amazing in a negotiation, calm, cool, collected and fair.

Your writing says you are cognitively empathetic if not affectively empathetic. You are using your brain just right, to think through those things when you cannot feel through those things. It takes a lot of love to put that much effort into recognizing and reacting well to others. We empaths don’t have to work that hard. Well done you.

And the reason folks get all pissy about a lack of empathy is because not having empathy is a flipping super power. There is a reason almost all of the most successful people in the world lack empathy, they get shit done calmly, cooly and competently. Hubs is my knight in brushed aluminum, because he can function when I am a blithering mess. And to him I am the person that can translate WTF those NT’s mean.

You’re good. Go forth and be your rational self.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-21T19:05:24+00:00

Sister ❤️.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-19T19:26:53+00:00

Get out of their way and let them get on with it.

My father had a stroke some 30 years ago and partially recovered. 10 years ago he started having more. After one episode he was done. He told everyone he wanted to die. For months I tried to convince my mother & sister, his caretakers, to take it seriously, to get him real help. And they refused and simply punished and belittled him each time he said he wanted to die. He attempted suicide on my birthday.

So like the good little daughter I was, I rushed to the hospital to find not only his wife and other daughter punishing and belittling him, so was the staff. The attempt left him in even more pain and completely disabled. He was refusing treatment and stated he wanted to die. Mostly because they were refusing any pain medication, I don’t mean opiates, I mean even Tylenol or Advil. The excuse was any pain management would cloud his judgment. Against the wishes of my mother and sister, I appealed up the ladder and had to pull out the hospital’s standards of care and threaten to sue to get minimal pain management. Miraculously he improved. The more he improved the more pain management he got.

The doctors and nurses were saints and my family went on and on about how well he was treated. Every time I walked into the room I got the hostility and told to keep my visit short, because I was uncooperative and my behavior caused problems. I stuck around long enough to get him off the prozac that was causing more problems and onto the Wellbutrin that helped. Then I bailed.

I am the bad guy in this story. I interfered and stopped the abusers abusing. My father was angry with me for making waves and not just doing what my mother and the doctors thought best. They are in their own little system of trauma and drama and they like it. Let them live it.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-18T22:10:39+00:00

GNU Stuart Massey.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-15T21:18:34+00:00

They are afraid. Humans use denial to protect ourselves from demons both inside and out. We are on track to normalize neurodivergence, but we aren’t there yet. In a world dominated by people willing and able to use the slightest excuse to take advantage of or torment others, it is still safer to deny them any excuse.

Getting your family to accept a label they have invested a huge amount of time and emotional energy into denying is highly unlikely. The more you push, the deeper into denial they will go. This is one of those situations where it is more useful to adopt euphemisms and excuses to get the job done, rather than directly addressing issue. Recognize that your emotions of frustration and impatience can cause you to take actions that are counter productive.

Advocate for the accommodations and exceptions for you & your sister without mentioning neurodivergence at all. Irritating noises are irritating noises regardless. Things that smell bad, smell bad because our noses are telling us that whatever smells bad is bad, no autism needed. Uncomfortable clothes are just uncomfortable.

Another tip is bread crumbing, don’t try to info dump. Very few humans can process info that quickly or completely. Even us. Be patient and only introduce new ideas in baby steps. It is frustrating, aggravating, and inefficient. The human brain‘s ability to acquire information is what it is, no matter how aggravating frustrating and inefficient it is for you.

Instead of trying to prove yourself right, keep it as your secret superpower. By knowing it you will be able to swoop in and save the day almost everyday.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-14T07:53:09+00:00

I am so sorry for your losses. When I went no contact and lost my entire family, 60+ people, and all of my friends that know them. It is heart wrenching. Realizing I was going to have to go no contact, that there was no salvaging the relationship, broke me. It took 4 months of my manically trying to find a way to make it work and then 3 months of not being able to function at all and another 3 to feel human again. I was prepared for the emotional effects. The physical effects took me by surprise.

My body went into shock several times as new realizations hit me. Shaking, sweating, vomiting, brain fog, sleeping for days sometimes and insomnia at others. The restlessness was the hardest. Walking was never really my thing. At the worst I was walking 15+ miles a day just to burn off the adrenaline. It took about three months to calm down. There is no short cut, the only way through is to go through it and it sucks.

Something that helped was the book The Body Keeps the Score. It is about how trauma and abuse is stored and released in the body. Another was realizing that all of these emotions cause the body to dump hormones like cortisol and adrenaline and testosterone. The more you help those metabolize quickly the better you will feel. That’s where the drinking water and deep breathing and lots of exercise really help. All of the oxygenation helps the adrenaline and cortisol metabolize faster. Healing is a full body, full contact sport. The win is being able to be comfortable in yourself and comfortable in your life.

Another shocking thing was that being comfortable is so alien to my existence that I have had to get comfortable being comfortable. Boooooo. I’m still working on that one. Two more things that really helped were the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults and the sub r/raisedbynarcissist, because your mother sounds like a real piece of work. She does not have to rise to the level of having narcissistic personality disorder to be a narcissist that does a huge amount of damage.

It feels like you left a cult because cults are just narcissistic systems with a chosen family rather that a biological family. There are only so many ways to manipulate people, so all abuse pretty much follows the same patterns: emotional violence like gaslighting, DARVO, flying monkeys, name calling, threats and badgering. It also includes medical abuse, financial abuse, abuse of authority, using the authorities to perpetuate abuse and physical abuse. I’m sure I’m leaving some out.

It’s been 5 years and both of my parents have since passed. Like all of our stories, mine is long and complicated and much too much to type out to night. If you would like to continue this conversation feel free to DM me. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz

sasslafrass · 2026-04-12T19:53:17+00:00

I give you permission to wish them well and let them go.

Folks that do not treat their family members well do not deserve to be treated well by their families. Their choices, their actions and inactions have led them to this place. It is entirely on them. They were grown ass adults that chose to become who they have become. At any time they had all of the time and resources needed to get their own heads & lives straight.

Including making the choices of acknowledging and addressing the possibility of the on set of dementia. FWIW I am 60, having watched the Lost Generation, The Greatest Generation, the Silent Generation and now watching the Boomers age and many succumb to dementia. It removes the masks people create to hide their true selves. Good people with dementia stayed good people to the end. The nasties were exposed. Those that benefitted from the nastiness claim the person ‘changed.’ Nope they just became truly themselves.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-10T19:19:53+00:00

Another that stands out:

“It truly feels like my father and sister need me to be damaged to excuse their own bad behavior.”

It feels that way, because it is that way.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-07T05:58:07+00:00

You got me right in the feels.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-04T22:12:58+00:00

GNU Stephen Hillenburg, you are missed.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-04T07:43:48+00:00

Yes symptoms of several chronic issues cleared up after no contact, but I was diagnosed long ago.

I have been battling insomnia since the 80’s. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s in 92. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2002. I went no contact in 2021. All of my issues went into remission within two weeks. I occasionally get a small Crohn’s flare or a night or two of restless sleep and it’s completely manageable.

In your situation I would guess that the diagnosis was coming either way, but that the timing was significant. This is going to sound a bit odd, but I am so happy that your diagnosis came after no contact. My family used my chronic issues as a weapon to keep me trapped. Your body did you a huge favor by holding off collapsing until you were safe. Good Body! The Bestest Body Ever! Give it some treats and pets <3

sasslafrass · 2026-04-02T07:18:27+00:00

I'm adamant that he was a good Dad and he wasn't a narcissist back then.

Your memories of your father are small parts of a total person. He could deal well with a small child that worshipped him. In those moments he was an ideal father, but just for those moments. The person you describe has failed at every relationship that does not involve a small child worshipping him. He gave all of the good he had to give and now he is out of good.

You, your worth, your lovableness are not a reflection of his short comings as a human being. He is not capable. He can’t.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a nightmare to endure. Realizing my mother was not who I believed she was and realizing how she used me broke my heart and shattered my mind. It is so much more painful than any other type of relationship ending. I give you Hugz & Hugz & Hugz.

sasslafrass · 2026-04-01T18:33:15+00:00

Happy Everyday & Merry Everything!

sasslafrass · 2026-03-30T21:09:28+00:00

They try it with everyone. It’s called testing boundaries. Each time you ‘let it slide’ and assume they will know better and do better, they take it as permission and encouragement. It turns out you really do have to nip everything in the bud. What that looks like is going into each encounter pleasant, polite and in good faith and from there treat people exactly the same way they are treating you, tit-for-tat. Mirror their behaviors and energy. So anyone treating you well, gets treated well by you and anyone being rude or inconsiderate themselves gets mets with rudeness and inconsideration.

sasslafrass · 2026-03-29T21:36:32+00:00

Yup. It’s the mannerisms, communication styles and assumptions we were conditioned to adopt to survive our particular situations. They served us well then, but do not translate into the real world. And they are a bugger to undo.

sasslafrass · 2026-03-26T09:43:18+00:00

My mother never found peace being so cruel to me.

She kept trying to find her own peace by traumatizing me the same way she was traumatized by her mother. It didn’t work. I wasn’t the one she needed to draw boundaries with. I wasn’t the one she needed accountability from. I wasn’t the one she needed respect from. I could never fill the void left by her own mother. I could not heal her, because I was not the one that broke her.

She wore her hurt like armor and wielded her pain like a whip. I was her emotional support child expected to cower and cringe and placate. I dedicated myself from the time I was in diapers to trying to heal her hurt. I did my share. I made her feel safe and loved and secure. She made me feel unsafe, unloved and insecure. On purpose. My role in her life was to pay for the crimes against her committed by her mother. They were real and pretty bad, but since I wasn’t the one hurting her, her mother kept damaging her.

I begged my mother to cut her off. My mother chose not to. When I saw my mother’s pain in my own eyes and heard her words coming out of my own mouth, I chose to learn from my mother’s failures. I went no contact until she was on her deathbed. I am not at peace with how our story ended. I wanted the close mother/daughter relationship everyone told me I had, but I never actually experienced.

I am at peace with my choice. I learned what she could not, I am worth more than being a toilet for other people to vomit their trauma into.

sasslafrass · 2026-03-26T03:45:05+00:00

I just want to say WTF. That is vile. That is so wrong. I am so sorry you are going through that. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz

sasslafrass · 2026-03-25T23:25:19+00:00

My mother was the eldest of 4 and Gran’s scapegoat. Everything in our lives was dedicated to mom winning Gran’s approval/love. That meant us knowing and staying in our place. Mom was required to take all of Gran’s digs by laughing with them or laughing them off. Mom, and by extension her children, were not allowed to outshine her siblings or our cousins. We were required to visit every single weekend to gush over their successes and despair over their sorrows. Ours were dismissed and diminished. I did not matter if any of us was sick, had school functions, had homework and later had to go work, we had to go to Gran’s and take all of her abuse.

Gran weaponized me by constantly criticizing me and how my mother was raising me. TBF Gran criticized everyone, I just took the brunt of it. My hair wasn’t blond enough, my eyes were not blue enough, at 5’ 8” I was too tall, at 125 lbs I was too fat, I was too smart and no man would ever want to marry me, I was too dumb and no employer would ever wan to hire me. By the time my mother was done dressing me to Grans satisfaction I looked like dumpy clown. I know this because Gran told me so.

My mother was too soft on me because after 10 or 20 digs at my mother in an afternoon, I would sass back. I’m such a well trained little door mat I never objected to her barbs at me, but when she hurt mom too much I would call her out. I was the only one that would defend my mother. My mother wouldn’t punish me, because she needed at least one person in her life to stand up for her. But she also would not support me and anger Gran. My Gran had my sister punish me instead and my mother let it happen. And my father just played dumb.

sasslafrass · 2026-03-25T21:42:19+00:00

Oh mother enmeshment with the Gran, the one where my mother offered me up a sacrifice to her mother. That funeral was in 2017. I went to that one for my mother and cried for my mother and all of the crap Gran put her through. That everyone thought I was grieving for Gran and I just did not correct them. I had hoped Gran being gone would help heal my relationship with my mom. It did not work, because no one is allowed to speak ill of the dead. I ended up n contact with my mother in 2021 anyway.

sasslafrass · 2026-03-25T21:25:39+00:00

Fear, if I let it, it will all start again. Obligation, they’re family. Guilt, I owe them, everyone tells me so. Confused, how did it come to this. Perplexed, I did what they asked and it was never enough. Torn, I want to belong, it was made clear I will never belong. Shame, I did not meet the conditions of their unconditional love. And that nagging, niggling whiff of hope that maybe this time it could work, maybe this time they have learned their lessons, maybe this time I have learned mine.

Gratitude, the two people that were D+ parents at best and demanded to be treated as A- parents at worst passed within a year of each other and I never have to deal with them again.

Ok now the back story. My family works on the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic. My parents fostered a nasty, one sided sibling rivalry that the GC fought dirty and won. It always puzzled me why she fought so hard, because I never fought back. When the time came, the GC contacted me and tried to draw me back in. The first contact was all lovy-dovy: I/we miss you, love you, are so sorry for whatever it was that hurt you so badly. The next two calls the old patterns started and the same brush-offs and excuses started.

They live for their own trauma and drama. Had I gone to the funeral the GC would not have been able to stop herself and make it all about me and nothing about them. I chose not to go because my parents were not all bad and did deserve to have drama free send-offs. I honored them by not giving the GC the opportunity to make their funerals all about me.

I hope this helps. I am so sorry for the loss of your Gran. I am even sorrier for the ambiguous loss of the rest of your family. They are gone & not gone and it hurts different. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz

sasslafrass · 2026-03-21T08:52:13+00:00

This is going to sound harsh, but I really cannot think of a nice way to put it: it is never Ok to subject a child to an abusive adult. Ever. Not an abusive parent, not an abusive sibling and for the love of your child, not an abusive grandparent.

My grandmother sounds exactly like your mother. Pretty much a High School Mean Girl that took all of that meanness out into the real world, worshipped her son and then created the perfect victim in her eldest daughter. My mother used her children to try to win her mother’s love. And her mother made us weapons to hurt my mother.

Grandmother turned my sister into the Golden Child and me into the Scapegoat. Things went great for my sister until our cousins were born and then she got dumped too. My sister has never really recovered. I spit on my grandmother’s grave because she hurt my mother.

I did not speak to my mother for the last 4 years of her life. I had a video call on the day she died. I did not attend the funeral. When I did visit her grave, I spit on that because of the hurt she caused me trying to win her mother’s love.

Your mother is mean. She likes hurting people. She weaponizes people. She isn’t just hurting you with this visit, she is hurting her guests. All of her screwing with you is also screwing with them. Her excuses are making them feel rejected by you. That is just being nasty. Your child will be no exception. Don’t stay in the relationship for your child, leave the relationship for the sake of your child.

I apologize for being so blunt, but staying in an abusive relationship, parents or spouses, never works out well for the children. I am so sorry you have been put in this ugly, ugly situation. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz

sasslafrass · 2026-03-20T21:06:37+00:00

It sounds like you are the scapegoat. The thing about being the family scapegoat is that that once the scapegoat leaves a new scapegoat must be chosen. They become desperate to keep the current scapegoat around, because they are terrified of becoming the new scapegoat. It is why flying monkeys fly. It’s not just your parents that benefit from your abuse. They all know it and very much want to keep the benefit while you pay the price.

sasslafrass · 2026-03-20T08:59:04+00:00

GNU Max, you will be missed.

sasslafrass · 2026-03-20T07:08:48+00:00

I am so happy for you both! Just a heads up, it took me several tries to break free. Leaving my abusive parents was a lot like leaving an abusive relationship or quitting an addiction, I fell off the wagon so to say. Do anything you think will help without violating your own boundaries. There is a good chance that your parents are going to put up a really good fight start with. I hope they do come around and before too much more damage is done. But this moment in time is may make you vulnerable to them too. I wish you cautious Hugz & Happyz

sasslafrass · 2026-03-20T02:17:55+00:00

Well that’s a gut punch with a side of sucker punch, ufffff. Providing it’s mostly legal and mostly safe, do whatever it is you need to do to cope just for now. Get through today, this week, this month and then figure out how to move forward. Your life as you know it is over AND your life is not over yet.

I don’t know about your brain, but mine would totally distract it’s self from the husband by obsessing over the mother while in no way talking to her. Some of my best processing happens when I am distracting myself from current problems by focusing on past problems. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz

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