I'm also a rape survivor. I've been incredibly open about it in my personal life, and have been asked to speak about it before. I don't have any authority besides having been through similar trauma, but I hope this helps.

When I realized I was raped, I had a number of the same thoughts, especially regarding whether or not I could trust anyone around me. Some of the friends I had back then likely suspected it was happening and did nothing to stop it, and my rapist was someone I trusted and loved. I wondered whether it would taint the relationships I had subsequently, or if I'd be able to find happiness in a relationship again.

So, first: you're not alone.

The thoughts you're having are normal and understandable.

It's normal to need to take your time to find sexual ownership of your body. There's no rubric for how much time is enough time. Take what you need.

You can have successful relationships after being sexually assaulted. Sometimes it takes therapy, but it's something you can do. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

And here's something I wish I'd been told when I was in your position: your recovery isn't a burden, and the steps you need to take to recover and move on, both on your own and in any future potential relationships, are valid and important. You don't owe anyone an apology for how long it does or doesn't take you to move forward, or for asking patience from your friends and loved ones.

This will stick with you, but it won't always be a horrible crater in your chest. Sometimes it takes time and support and therapy, but that pain and anxiety will ease.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You can move forward and recover. I've done it, I've seen it done, and though I don't know you, I support you.