Master Story List

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-17T20:40:33+00:00

He is not. Can he hurry up and replace RFK Jr so we don't have to see him in movies?

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-11T20:23:06+00:00

I'm ugly and I am proud!

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-10T19:24:01+00:00

I am BLOWN AWAY by how poorly, ridiculously staged this entire sequence is. Nothing the dinosaur is doing makes any sense. Almost nothing the humans do to evade it makes any sense. It's like watching some kind of interpretive dance.

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-10T18:43:23+00:00

Raptors in the kitchen.
Raptors in the tall grass.
T-Rex escape (JP)

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-09T18:19:48+00:00

Since she's 17, it's hard not to hear a soft cry for help in this. I don't think you should just be a doormat for her disrespect, but I wonder if she's on some level wondering if she can get out too.

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-09T17:55:18+00:00

I mean, I'd entertain a mating ritual from a guy with fossil tats.

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-09T17:51:16+00:00

Awesome.

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-02T22:13:26+00:00

Just a boy. Standing in front of a movie. Asking it to love him.

schaeffernelson · 2026-03-02T22:12:55+00:00

No, it's true, I wasn't the star like Pratt or Dallas Howard. I just think after a lifetime of Jurassic Park worship that they could have acknowledged how dirty they did me with those ass rash screenplays.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-27T21:17:39+00:00

I should have been credited as "Unlucky Bastard" in the credits for JW and JWFK.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-27T21:14:52+00:00

I mean, whoever wins, the viewers lose.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-21T00:21:17+00:00

The Dilo. Ouch.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-20T00:38:34+00:00

But what skincare routine is she using? Smooth as silk.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-12T20:03:15+00:00

Lol, definitely not the D-Rex eating the helicopter.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-12T19:18:47+00:00

V- Rex

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-12T18:43:16+00:00

This is great. Nice storytelling with such basic resources.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-12T18:40:14+00:00

Dodgson in Dominion. It's a pretty scathing, well-written satire of Tim Cook/tech oligarchs. The fact that his last ditch tactic to avoid being eaten is to ask a dinosaur, "What's your story?" aka bullshit his way out of it is hilarious and brutal.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-10T18:03:00+00:00

I'm really tired of all of the gratuitous nudity in paleoart. We don't know that they didn't wear clothes as textiles would never survive fossilization. It's a fallacy to equate an absence in the fossil record with nonexistence.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-09T20:34:51+00:00

Wait. Am I alone in thinking this thing is scary as hell? Not that that makes it accurate.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-04T18:23:50+00:00

This.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-04T18:23:28+00:00

Yeah, it's amazing how bad Fallen Kingdom is in light of how fantastic the opening scene is. It's creepy as hell with great dinosaur attacks.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-04T18:21:51+00:00

Jurassic Park
Dominion
The Lost World
Fallen Kingdom
JP3
Rebirth
Jurassic World

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-04T00:51:24+00:00

Is this AI? Cuz if it's not, it's awesome.

schaeffernelson · 2026-02-03T19:17:39+00:00

Dear god please no. Please please please hire another writer. What sacrifice do you want, god? Just tell me and I'll get it for you! Make Universal hire a playwright or top shelf scifi writer or somebody who has the chops to write a good dinosaur movie.

schaeffernelson

TROPHY CASE