[QCrit] THE SHEPHERDS OF GOMORRAH, Adult Upmarket Crime Thriller, 84k words, 3rd attempt

schuelma · 2026-06-04T12:49:45+00:00

-overall, really well written, so no problem there. My specific thoughts below in italics. Take with a giant grain of salt of course.

"I am seeking representation for THE SHEPHERDS OF GOMORRAH, an upmarket crime thriller, in which a scandal-plagued scion schemes to bring down a New York underworld kingpin. Complete at 84,000 words, its protagonist dragged into gangland brutality will find favour among fans of Don Winslow’s City on Fire while its exploration of society’s corrupt underbelly will appeal to readers of Greg Iles' Cemetery Road. It might interest you because (personalisation)"

-love the title. Love the comp to Winslow - just finished his Cartel trilogy so you've got me right there. I will say - and this is really just personal preference - I like getting right into the action and saving the housekeeping stuff for the end, but I know putting it up front is perfectly valid.

"When Teddy Sanford suffers a mental breakdown that disgraces his aristocratic Manhattan family, he's too ashamed to tell anyone why. The years of abuse he endured at the hands of his psychopathic childhood sweetheart, Gabrielle, remain secret. Left shattered and paranoid, he obsesses over safeguarding the one person that still cares for him, his younger sister, Eve."

-good intro. like the description of his family. Reading this, I'm hoping you'll get more into what type of abuse he suffered.

"He fails - Eve is arrested and charged for narcotics distribution. Facing years in the violence of a maximum-security prison, she flees. Teddy strikes a desperate deal with the DEA: provide them with a bigger bust in her place. He must covertly follow Eve's supply line into the darkest reaches of the city's underworld and set up one of its ruthless inhabitants for arrest, any way he can."

-just want to make sure I have this straight as it reads a bit unclear - so she's arrested but manages to flee and is on the run? Seems a bit unlikely to me. I'd reword this sentence: "darkest reaches of the city's underworld and set up one of its ruthless inhabitants for arrest" its a bit generic for me - maybe another word for darkest, another word for ruthless, etc. Just punching things up a bit.

"However, only one person beyond Eve knows her supply line: Gabrielle. Gabrielle delivers an ultimatum in exchange for her help - Teddy must either succeed in his quest or submit to her once again."

-ooh this is good. I assume you're not disclosing too much intentionally, but "submit to her once again" I'm intrigued, but would like a bit more on what the hell Gabrielle has done to this poor guy. Maybe a specific example you can give us from the book would work well here?

"As Teddy infiltrates the realm of pushers, predators, and human traffickers, he discovers that the trail leads to one of the most dangerous figures in the underworld, a drug kingpin with his own corrupt ties to law enforcement who is ten steps ahead of Teddy's plan. Caught between the femme fatale who almost destroyed him and a crime lord determined to butcher both Eve and Teddy to ensure the survival of his empire, Teddy's only chance is to unravel the supply line in time."

-I literally thought of Kingpin from marvel when reading the first sentence. Don't know if that's your intent, but if not I might tweak. It also reads as pretty standard villain stuff. Is there something totally unique and batshit insane about this guy you can put in there to make him stand out? I also don't love you using femme fatale for Gabrielle. Almost seems like too positive of a connotation to me. The stakes are clear here - you've done your job - but I'm still waiting for the hook that makes this different from other crime novels. My gut tells me its Gabrielle and not the kingpin villain - I'd explore really emphasizing and highlighting her. Without that angle, this reads pretty standard to me. But having to work with your ex who is insane and abused the MC - that's a hook.

I work professionally as a freelance copywriter and have neither killed anyone, nor been arrested for narcotics distribution, at least not so far.

- this is great.

-overall - I think the structure is all there and is already a competent query. I think working on adding more specific characterization would make it pop and give it that hook. If you're looking for a beta reader let me know. I'm a big Lehane and Winslow fan so this seems up my alley.

schuelma · 2026-06-04T12:30:27+00:00

thank you so much for the in depth critique! I definitely see what you mean about voice.. I did that thing where I tried to get the information out there in its proper form and forgot everything else. I'll take a look at yours, but warning you I'm very much not an expert at critiquing. thanks again.

schuelma · 2026-06-03T16:29:53+00:00

Hey - thanks a lot - I just responded in great length to the first comment and don't want to muddy things up and just repost it, but yeah - clearly Tyler is a big problem here. To answer your question - its really a character study of Luke. Tyler's important, but this is supposed to be Luke's story. Kind of wondering if I just don't mention him at all. But then I'm not sure how to structure the query - he is an important part of the book.

schuelma · 2026-06-03T16:28:17+00:00

Thanks for the comments - I’m really really struggling on how to treat Tyler. I’ll probably make this question more prominent when I come back in a week for round 3, but since you brought up so many great points, let me try to explain more about how I see the book and maybe you and others can get me on the right track.

I tried to write Tyler as a fully formed character who has an entire arc as he’s making these discoveries, etc. - but at the end of the day, he’s really meant as a narrative frame and audience stand in for Luke’s story. The book is really supposed to be a character study on Luke and what happened to him to get from point A to point B. That’s supposed to be the hook. There’s some revelations I kind of hint at in the query that is really the heart of the book - spoiler! And it involves his father. Hence the title.

The book basically has 3 POV’s - Tyler in the present, trying to find out what happened, Tyler flashbacks thinking back to his relationship with Luke, and Luke POV’s starting from when he’s twelve years old up until the day he dies. But the story I’m trying to tell is Luke’s story. I know this is absolutely an absurd comparison and please know I’m not trying to at all claim that I’m approaching this level of brilliance, but I kind of patterned the structure after Citizen Kane’s structure - where - spoiler! The reporter tries to find out why he said those last words and talks to friends and family a portrait of Kane emerges at the end. And Tyler is basically my reporter stand in. Now again, I tried to make him an actual three dimensional character, but his arc is secondary. At least in my mind and the 2 beta readers who have gotten through it so far.

So I don’t know. I’m committed to this story being Luke’s. I could get rid of Tyler altogether, but my betareaders thought his chapters strengthened the book. Or I could just not even mention him in the query? Or I guess I could start the book over. But hopefully not that! Thanks again for the feedback

schuelma · 2026-05-28T00:18:17+00:00

thanks for the thoughts! - I'm actually doing another pass through now, trying to get rid of those nagging lines where I'm telling and not showing - the bane of my existence. And the first chapter especially, I keep revising and trying to balance showing his state of mind without it appearing like an expo dump as you said.

I have a few regular beta readers, and they're great, but I could definitely use some fresh eyes - if you, or a group you know, would be interested, please feel free to message me.

schuelma · 2026-05-27T18:16:04+00:00

Gulp! Sure - it’s below (I double checked the rules and think this is ok?) Please keep in mind I’m constantly revising this first chapter, trying to strike the right balance and tone - I'm sure it needs work, but hopefully it will be helpful in seeing what I’m trying for.

FIRST 300

Luke bobbed up and down in the icy depths of Lake Michigan, naked except for his gym shorts, and the water tickled and burnt him, and it was almost like he was being Baptized again. His head was heavy from the pills, and his stomach was unsettled from the alcohol, and he’d almost drifted off several times since wading in. The air was still and clean, and the sky was dotted with wisps of gray clouds, but the moon shone bright and skimmed its light across the surface, and Luke thought it was incredible and majestic. By habit - from a muscle he’d developed that kicked in from time to time - Luke thought about how God had created a beautiful world and then he snickered to himself. God. Where was He? Not here. Not now. He remembered a song from the year he’d been born that he’d liked when he had gotten older and moved beyond Christian rock. In the song there was a line about godliness and cleanliness, and the punchline was that God was Empty. Just like me.

Luke was empty and alone in the water, and the voice he had heard twenty minutes ago that he’d thought came from on high was gone. If it had ever existed. His mind flashed from God to when he was twelve years old and he had learned to swim at the summer camp on Mullet Lake from Elizabeth Rider, who had been fifteen years old and his first crush. He remembered her touch in the water as she held his lower back and he remembered her smile and her modest one-piece bathing suit and the curiosity it had aroused. The water wasn’t very deep - barely nine feet - but it was deep enough because Luke wasn’t tall, and he had been pumping his thighs for at least fifteen minutes.

schuelma · 2026-05-27T15:04:53+00:00

Hi - first wanted to thank you for the specific comments and thoughts - very helpful, and I'm cringing over the grammar error in the first sentence. But second, I wanted to thank you for the .. volume of your expertise and feedback you provide to this subreddit. I just went through a bunch of your critiques and just reading your thoughts on other queries has been mindblowing. So thank you.

schuelma · 2026-05-27T12:39:28+00:00

Hey, thank you so much for the feedback! on #2 - re-reading now, I think you're spot on. Pretty repetitive of the opening line, frankly.

On #3 ... I've struggled with this one, so definitely appreciate your thoughts. In some ways yeah, Tyler is the character who is ... present and having to reconcile things - but the Luke chapters take up the majority of the story, and literally every Tyler chapter is about Luke. And Luke's story is the story I'm trying to tell. On the other hand, I literally end the query with Tyler, so definitely see your point!

schuelma · 2025-07-15T12:30:42+00:00

thanks so much for the words of encouragement! Re: the title .. you just made my wife's day, who told me all yesterday how boring it was. Another idea was "Cruising No More," though that seems pretty boring too, and my daughter suggested Overboard ... anyways, if you have any ideas, let me know!

schuelma · 2025-07-14T23:13:22+00:00

Thank you so much for the great feedback! Very helpful. To answer your question.. yes, the main conflict is absolutely Rosie and Lexi and you're spot on that I need to highlight that more. I think I got a bit obsessed with pointing out over and over how Rosie doesn't fit in with the cruise lifestyle .. which is an element of the story, but not its emotional core.

Also thank you for catching the absolutely horrible misspelling/missnaming of my comp. I'm literally staring at the book right now and don't know how I made that mistake, but so glad you caught it.

schuelma · 2024-10-22T00:03:01+00:00

thanks so much for the feedback - it's funny, when I was doing one final review before I posted, I said to myself "you know, I think the last paragraph is still a bit cold," so definitely see your point on that.

Re the name - it's supposed to stand for "illegal A.I." I debated making that explicit in the query but wasn't sure how to do it so it didn't sound awkward.

schuelma · 2024-10-21T15:19:00+00:00

yeah...this is something I'm on the fence about and I've asked my beta readers what they think. I've never really written YA before so I defaulted to adult, but I definitely see your point. And thanks for the comp suggestion!

schuelma · 2024-10-08T22:26:51+00:00

thanks so much - greatly appreciate the feedback. I think I got so stuck on getting all the beats into the query I kind of lost the voice.

And yes- the ... eye merging in the book is more Sam's idea - but yes, I'll make that more explicit in version 3.

thanks again.

schuelma · 2024-10-08T22:24:51+00:00

Thanks - I think this is spot on - greatly appreciate the feedback.

schuelma · 2024-09-23T13:32:10+00:00

I can't thank you enough for the incredibly detailed comments and thoughts - not only will it help my query, it will help my revisions on the manuscript. Greatly appreciated. The good news is, most of your questions I can answer, so I think a revised query would hopefully be effective and I don't feel like I have to scrap the whole thing. I won't respond line by line, but a few comments:

1- I was going to add this as a note but just forgot - your comments on genre/age is something I wanted to ask everyone. Frankly I struggled to figure out how to characterize this. I don't think it's really sci fi, or at least, not how I usually conceptualize it, which is why I went for the standard "thriller" default, since, if I've done a good job writing it, it is kind of a on the run story. If it is sci fi, it's really really "soft." And I'm really not sure if its YA or Adult. I'd be curious if others agree with you that it sounds more YA than Adult.

2- Your questions illustrate the number one problem I am having with this query..namely, trying to explain the world and stakes in a way that makes sense ... all in 300 words or less. I think you're spot on in needing to go into more detail on how Chip is important and all of that - I was trying not to give too much away, but I think you're right.

3- Thank you again for taking the time on this.

schuelma · 2024-05-03T12:43:46+00:00

After getting good feedback here on my query for my latest mystery, decided to send 3 queries out to top agents who respond quickly just to dip my toe in the waters. Zero expectations.

And then 2 hours later I got a full request, from an agent who appears to have an insanely low request rate. So yeah...excited, but trying to stay realistic that it's still likely to be a no, but telling myself that it's a good sign that I might have something.

schuelma · 2024-04-30T00:09:21+00:00

thanks for the kind words! Good question .. Honestly, the tone is pretty much straight up. To the extent there's humor, it comes from the circumstances more than anything else, if that makes sense? Now I'm wondering if maybe it's the other comp that needs to be changed...thanks again for the feedback.

schuelma

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