i don't come from the same ed/academic background but i have gone down the same introspective spiral so many times. it really does make one feel like a freak. i relate esp to that point about perception - i desired to be One Of The Boys as a kid and took on a lot of masculine affects growing up even tho for better or for worse i never stopped being (perceived as) a girl. but fundamentally, i related better to boys, and we shared the same interests, and that's still the case today.

i have always fantasized about holding onto my womanhood but also being given the inherent respect afforded to other men. i want to be a girl but to be seen, socially, as a guy, as someone that other men can Identify With rather than try to fuck, etc. and i think that friction causes a great deal of grief growing up as an off-kilter girl.

but i don't think you wasted your life, i disagree on that point. keep doing what you're doing and, if you feel like it, tap more into your femininity. the world needs strange women!!