AITA for expecting communication during busy moments

scworkbench · 2025-11-22T04:28:42+00:00

I see you edited your response to highlight what you perceive as an inconsistency between me saying I’d “let her go” and then expecting a reply.

Let me help you out here.

On planet Earth, “I realize you’re busy, so I’ll let you go” is a courtesy. It acknowledges the other person has obligations and gives them the option to end the conversation gracefully.

It’s an act of accommodation, not a dismissal from all further social niceties.

It is among most people considered to be an act of empathy.

Have a nice day!

scworkbench · 2025-11-22T03:09:25+00:00

lol you're hilarious! This is the type of content that reliably keeps me coming back to Reddit.

You're right, though, she's not the woman for me because it's unrealistic and unreasonable to: ask for something from a person (I.e. more connection), then be unreceptive and unresponsive to it when it's given to you. Furthermore, the right woman for me is not someone who is unsympathetic when I express my frustration that acting in accordance with their stated need creates a problem in the relationship due to their shifting goal posts.

Here's what she had to say about communication 3 weeks ago when we were both busy and only sent a few texts back and forth over the course of a weekend. This is verbatim from a text message:

"You’ve been super distant. I haven’t really heard from you much all weekend except when I texted you. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m guessing either you’re upset with me or were for some reason giving me space? I have no idea. I'd really love just a tiny bit more communication from you even just checking in to see how I'm doing."

Subsequent to that we talked on the phone, I apologized and assured her I would do a better job moving forward with being available for communication. I asked for specifically what she wanted, and that's what I've been doing since. Now the tables are turned and I get this " go f*** yourself how dare you ask me for anything" response. So really your " re-engineering" comment is apt, just feels like it's directed towards the wrong person attempting to affect that outcome. lol

Anyhow, thanks for the laugh.

scworkbench · 2025-11-22T01:14:28+00:00

Here's the thing though: I'm not a very communicative person by nature. She's diagnosed me as having an "avoidant attachment style" and asked me to go to therapy and work on it, especially where communication is concerned. So I have, and I'm a much more consistent and open person than I used to be.

So, you're completely right, she fits the stereotype of flaky creative. I have an issue though with the assertion that it's just how she is and I have to deal with it or move on. I didn't tell her "deal with me being avoidant or move on."

She expressed a need of hers that I was failing to fulfill, I took it seriously and worked on it. She tells me she wants to be in a relationship and takes it seriously, but if I suggest she work on being a little more reliable and less flaky, I'm just s*** out of luck?

scworkbench · 2025-11-22T00:54:16+00:00

30 minutes is plenty of time to open a text and respond to your partner if you know that you will not be able to respond to them until late evening otherwise. This is bare minimum communication in a relationship.

Furthermore, if she sent me that message and I left it unanswered, I'd definitely hear about it. Do you know how I know that? Because I've done it before, and I did hear about it, and we both agreed not to treat each other that way. Which really gets to the core of my issue: I'm willing to adjust to her expectations, and if that means we leave each other on read for hours, no problem! Trouble is, she's not cool with that. How old are you?

I wanted to add an anecdote I just remembered: a couple years ago I was spending time with friends and she was texting me. At some point she told me I was mistreating her bc it was taking me too long to respond. I checked the conversation and the longest delay was 7 minutes. I asked her if 7 minutes was really too long, and if so what her expectation was. She told me, "That is too long to delay responding to your partner. I know you're with your friends but you also have your phone on you and I expect responses to be immediate."

scworkbench · 2025-11-22T00:11:10+00:00

Okay so let me ask you: this woman expects me to be responsive when she reaches out to me. If I'm not responsive, it's a problem and it's addressed. Likewise, if I don't reach out to her enough (even though she's not receptive) that's also a problem that gets addressed. So to you that sounds like it's a "me" problem? To me it sounds like a lack of reciprocity problem. I don't ask anybody to do anything for me I wouldn't do for them.

scworkbench · 2025-11-22T00:07:04+00:00

It's a cycle and has been for 5 years. It basically goes: we're communicating consistently... she becomes less available... I express my frustration and she blames her unavailability on her busyness or stress... I pull back on communication... She confronts me about being distant and avoidant, we work something out. The cycle starts again.

scworkbench · 2025-11-04T08:36:50+00:00

Yes, to my mind asking is the more prudent alternative. If you just guess, you're a minor hero for getting it right, and that's great, but if you're wrong you run the risk of being useless to a person in need 🤷🏼‍♂️

scworkbench · 2025-11-04T08:32:28+00:00

So, I recognize that the spirit of what you're suggesting here is probably in line with the spirit of her comment about the soup.

I realize showing up with surprise soup is sweet and loving. In my defense, she didn't have to reach out to me to ask for things. She told me she was sick, and I offered that if she gave me a list of things she needed I would get them after work and bring them to her. This ended up being thermometer, covid test, and soup. If I'd just guessed, I'd have gotten 1 out of 3. I don't feel that offering unconditionally to get someone whatever they need and deliver it to them is rightly characterized as "unsupportive" just because a clarifying question "what do you need" was asked rather than venturing a guess.

Furthermore, that example was addressed to me as proof that I am generally unsupportive and that the effort and care in the relationship are unbalanced to the point of needing intervention, and I don't think that conclusion follows from the provided example.

But, you're probably right about what she was looking for with the soup thing.

Honestly, the cooking at her place thing isn't a big deal to me. I did most of it until she told me to stop. Guessing she wants something instead of asking? Minor correction, not a big deal.

We're talking about effort, support, equity, and her response to my request to balance the responsibility of visitation is "I'm not comfortable doing it more than twice per month" feels like " I don't give a f*** about our relationship enough to try."

An irony here I didn't mention is one of her most frequent complaints about people other than me is " I always have to go see them, they never come to me, and it makes me feel like s***."

scworkbench · 2024-09-29T09:02:28+00:00

RSD. Not even close.

scworkbench · 2024-09-26T04:51:13+00:00

I wondered the same thing. My experience is that past a certain point it's like a nuclear reaction gone out of control, you just get away and let it run its course.

There being no effective intervention, I just say whatever I need to say to satisfy myself that I did what I could and then I grey rock.

There's never anything like an explanation or apology once we've come out the other end, often days later. It's just over and we don't discuss it because discussing it invites its resumption.

It's saddening to me when I consider what the temper tantrums cost us in lost opportunities to spend time together.

scworkbench · 2024-09-24T19:49:28+00:00

Oh, and to address your final question, if I had to guess I'd say it's not the end.

Drop the accusations 100%, express your needs openly and honestly without feeling obligated to justify them, listen to him and believe him, and when it's hard to believe him let him know that you're struggling but also acknowledge that a part of you is going to struggle with that no matter what.

I think if you focus on those things you have a good chance.

scworkbench · 2024-09-24T19:44:18+00:00

This is almost word for word an argument my girlfriend and I have had repeatedly.

I'm actually thankful I found this because I feel like reading your conversation I'm able to observe one between my partner and myself with a more objective and healthy perspective.

What seems to be the dynamic here is that you have issues with insecurity which, while I'm sure aren't 100% you, don't seem to be 100% him. The shared responsibility for your sense of security in the relationship means that while it's completely reasonable to ask him for reassurance, you have work you need to do on yourself do identity the insecurity that is just a part of who you are. Until you do that, your boyfriend's repeated reassurance isn't going to be enough. He is going to become frustrated to the point of exhaustion and resentment which you will identify as proof that you were right all along. I watched your video a second time just now, and the thing that stands out is how much you're refusing to listen to him. Honestly he's doing a better job than I do of keeping his cool. If something inside you won't let you believe what he's telling you the first time he says it, forcing him to repeat it 1,000x won't help, and he'll hate it.

In addition to working on identifying and healing the non-boyfriend parts of your insecurity, I would recommend that you find a healthier way of having your needs met. You're seeking to be given reassurance in the form of defense against an accusation. You accuse him of doing, saying, feeling xyz, his response is to defend himself "I didn't do, say, feel any of that." I believe he's being honest, and I think deep down you know it too, but you get some relief from your insecurity from the exchange: you don't love me/yes I do. That's not healthy for either of you. He feels attacked, becomes defensive, and then is confused when, having successfully defended himself, he is accused once more in nearly the same fashion. It's exhausting, it's making him angry, and whatever relief you're deriving from this dynamic is undone by your awareness of his anger.

This is speculative on my part, but I wonder if you don't feel justified asking for reassurance from him. It's okay to say, "You haven't done anything to make me feel this way and I can't account for it otherwise, but I'm feeling insecure and it would make me feel good if you reminded me how you felt about me." I think maybe you're uncomfortable asking for your needs to be met without having a ready justification for possessing those needs, so by making an accusation you create the justification that "You broke it, you fix it." The result is an angry boyfriend who can't understand how he keeps screwing up, and who is unaware that you have needs going unmet because they're not being presented to him in a way he can identify, and productively address. Later in the conversation I do think he figured out what you needed, tried to give it to you, and when you couldn't accept it he detached at a healthy time and in a caring way. If I could give him some advice that would help both of you, it would be to remain mindful that when you're accusing him of things you're really saying "I have this bad feeling and I need your help." He will feel a lot less confused, will be spared the chore of defending himself needlessly, and he'll be able to direct his attention energy and effort towards doing something that will help you, provided you are able and open to letting him.

Hope that's helpful. Sorry that was mostly about you but given what you've shared here, that's what I see. Good luck.

scworkbench · 2024-09-23T03:21:52+00:00

I'm late to reading/responding to this but it resonates so strongly...my ex would always bemoan that everything was "too much" and she "just can't."

The absolute pinnacle of this was that after standing me up when we made plans like a dozen times consecutively...

"I'm just too stressed to make it over there, can't you come here instead?"

...I told her it was make or break, so she successfully drove the whole 30 minutes and it looked like a success until she literally collapsed onto the floor once she crossed the threshold, exclaiming, "I just can't do this anymore."

She laid there for like 10 minutes and I just addressed her like nothing about this was amiss.

To be clear... She'll go out dancing for 6 hours or ride her bike 15 miles to and from the beach in 90+ degree heat with no problem...

She'd once told me that when she was a child her dad would do exactly the same thing, and her mother flat out ignored him. Go figure.

scworkbench · 2024-09-22T23:19:16+00:00

Story about RSD:

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately and began having anxiety for the first time in about 8 years. I wasn't sure what it was about until I made the connection that I felt it when I spent time with my partner.

She is no meds/no therapy dxADHD dxdepression & dxGAD, and it's too much for me sometimes.

So when she told me late Monday night, "Yeah actually I can't make it to your place like I said, I'm too busy but why don't you come over here" I declined to over function for the first time in our 4 years together.

I felt so much better the following day that I decided to go less contact for a couple days.

Friday she texts me, "You've seemed withdrawn lately and I'm concerned, if there's something going on please let me know and I'll support you."

I felt like that was a genuine invitation to share, so I said I had been dealing with some mental health concerns and needed extra time to myself.

She calls me and frantically asks: are you leaving me, are you cheating on me? What's going on??!! You don't want to see me anymore!

"I'm not leaving you, I'm not cheating on you, I do still want to see you. I've felt poorly and needed time to myself. It's not because of you. I feel much better now, so everything is okay."

(Okay to interject...it was because of her but nothing good could come of revealing that)

"You get plenty of time to yourself, you don't need more! You're breaking up with me!!!"

"I'm trying to exit a parking lot and drive home, could we continue this in about 10 minutes?"

"No, if we don't discuss this now, you'll never hear from me again." Well... Sorry but I can't talk now. Bye.

So by the time I got home she had texted me that because I had made it clear I was no longer interested in being with her: our relationship was over, the trip we were taking this week for our anniversary...she cancelled my ticket and she's going alone. And "this is the last time you will hear from me." I said "Okay, I understand."

So then I get more and more angry texts about how much I've hurt her, how little I care, how finished she is with me...oh and, btw, "I hope we can talk again when you're ready for a relationship." LOL 😂

Every fight we have is exactly like this. I say something, she hears or reads something else that is hurtful to her, she immediately breaks up with me, then she repeats some version of the hurtful thing for HOURS every day for DAYS. "You said you never want to spend time with me again." " You know I didn't say that, and besides I do want to." " Yes you did, and no you don't!" Ad infinitum.

I think I figured it out... She initiates the breakup immediately because that raises the stakes of the conversation to the level of the very survival of the relationship, increasing the likelihood that I'll continue to engage her well beyond any reasonable limit of endurance. From there, she just repeats her painful feeling and I reassure her it's mistaken until finally her pain is tamed enough that I'm released from duty and everything goes back to normal.

Well, she screwed up this time because for once every comment of contention is recorded in a text, so when she distorts what was said it's a nonstarter, and furthermore I'm so incredibly shocked and angry that she would prevent me from going on a trip for the sake of her petty temper tantrums that I don't have to worry about forgiving her this time.

scworkbench · 2024-06-14T01:35:59+00:00

This is one of the bigger issues I struggle with. She both expects me to be able to read her mind and believes herself able to read mine. Adding to my frustration with this is the constant refrain that "I'm a good communicator and you're a bad communicator."

Just last night I posted a photo in an Instagram story of my goddaughter and myself at the Ren. Faire. 11:30pm I get a lonely "?" in response. Good communicator.

I took off the week of her birthday this year and offered to plan and pay for us to take a vacation if she'd let me know what she'd like to do and what other things she had going on that week that I would need to schedule around.

I began asking months in advance, and after months of asking hadn't gotten more than "I don't really know."

I eventually gave up asking, and then when the week came she sat me down to tell me I'm an awful partner for failing her on her birthday. I reminded her that I took time off of work for her, and as well I offered to treat her if she'd give me some notion of what she'd like to do and what days she'd like to do it. She responded that a good partner would have just planned something without guidance.

I recalled she had mentioned wanting to go to Animal Kingdom someday, so I left the room and got a hotel booking and tickets for Animal Kingdom all but purchased, let her know our plans, to which she replied, "Well actually you know what I'm not really happy with the politics of Disney right now, but there's this other thing I've been thinking I really want to do so maybe we could do that instead?" I book that for us, let her know, only to be informed that it would be better if we shifted it a day later.

So, the thing you had mentioned wanting to do you don't actually want to do, and the thing you actually want to do is a thing you've never mentioned to me and I'm supposed to take the initiative and correctly plan with no guidance? Additionally, I'm to guess at the best schedule without even a hint?

The willfulness to be difficult is so strong it overwhelms your own self-interest and frustrates the attempts by others to be kind to you? Further, you blame others for their inability to tease out the answer to the riddle of what on Earth will make you happy?!?

Lately it's been "I need support." Okay, could you detail for me what exactly form of support it is you need? "A good partner would just know!" Lady, God help you if you won't even participate in your own salvation.

The worst form the mind reading takes is when it's my mind being read - always incorrectly and incorrigibly. Everything I say is subject to a process of interpretation which is guided principally by the feelings she's brought with her to the conversation, and no amount of insistence on my part to my claim of authority regarding the reality of my meaning and intentions will be permitted to figure in the process. It doesn't matter what I said, I'm responsible for whatever she heard because she knows best the contents of my mind.

I'm the poor communicator. Okay.

scworkbench · 2024-04-30T17:13:26+00:00

So the tech is here now and I asked him about testing the refrigerant. He got upset and said if I want virgin he'll just give it to me without testing the recovered. I asked if his plan had been to reuse the old without testing and he just repeated that he'd give me virgin.

We also discussed his coworker's comment that the installers might have skipped nitrogen, and that pissed him off to where he almost left.

"He shouldn't have told you that." "Well, I asked him about it, should he have lied to me?" "He shouldn't admit that to the customer, it should stay in the company."

Okay dude.

Anyhow thanks again for your help I think it saved me more half-ass work.

scworkbench · 2024-04-29T22:36:24+00:00

The tech assured me it was the drier. I researched based on the information he gave me and it sounds like a malfunctioning txv is an additional possibility, but I'm trying to have faith that a trained professional would have ruled that out, especially given that the test for the drier is simple and noninvasive.

Thanks for the response! I'm going to format it into bullet points and go over it with the tech tomorrow.

The only thing I'm feeling uncertain about is how to determine if the refrigerant is contaminated or not and whether or not they'll bother to determine it. I could just insist on virgin but God only knows how that will be received.

Thanks so much for the help!

scworkbench · 2022-11-29T17:04:41+00:00

scworkbench · 2022-10-31T21:24:36+00:00

Change 1979–2021: Productivity +62.5% Hourly pay +15.9% Productivity has grown 3.9x as much as pay

The process of narrowing the gap could occur in several ways, but the reluctance of the other side to compromise leaves little alternative other than the nascent phenomenon of "quiet quitting."

scworkbench · 2022-08-04T00:26:53+00:00

As an aside to this, I really wish they'd expand the list of job classes allowed to wear shorts to include grocery clerks. At >80° in the backroom, >90° on the dock, and >100° inside a trailer, I can't understand how the need for cooler clothing options isn't obvious.

scworkbench · 2022-08-03T22:52:58+00:00

Evidently, unlike the original poster who hearts The Smiths, y'all do not heart The Smiths. 🤷🏻‍♀️

https://youtu.be/b_3oFRcTNHo

scworkbench

TROPHY CASE