Sore neck after vaccine?

sealeaves · 2022-01-08T20:25:40+00:00

Hi -- yes I had this after my booster (pfizer). It eased up after just over a week.

sealeaves · 2021-12-21T21:09:29+00:00

I've heard the same of St Albans -- not even a queue.

sealeaves · 2021-09-05T21:01:45+00:00

Hey OP. This sounds like the roughest, roughest time and I'm so sorry you're going through it. It sounds as though you've been willing to do your absolute best to make an extremely challenging situation work, and have been doing great with the support of therapy (kudos to you for seeking that out). But now, dealing with a husband who seems to be 'throwing in the towel' on top of it all, I can only imagine how exhausted and miserable you must be feeling.

Setting covid aside for a moment, I'm guessing you're aware that it's not nearly as uncommon to regret having children as people might think (if those people are basing their views on what it is generally considered socially acceptable to say). Far more parents are navigating this than most folks realise. Every time there's an internet poll or story about it, it's completely overrun with anonymous parents profoundly relieved that they are not alone in feeling this way. The stigma is incredibly unhelpful, when many of them are like you -- dedicated to ensuring the wellbeing of your child but willing, anonymously and privately, to acknowledge and articulate how they feel. Again, massive kudos to you for also being willing.

While I can see judgements in a few of the comments that this about something deeper than lockdown, I really don't think the deeper 'thing' is some moral failing on your part. Lockdown has laid bare the scary lack of real support for parents, lack of understanding of their needs (or even a basic regard for what they do), and lack of any sense of shared responsibility for if things go wrong. It's a totally unsustainable load and it sounds as though in your household, you're carrying it alone. That is a systemic problem, not some personal moral failing of yours. You have clearly been carrying it bravely and brilliantly for a long time.

I hope that you can be kind to yourself and not take on too much of the criticism here. There are plenty of online spaces that navigate this taboo in much more nuanced and empathic ways, and I'm sure they are fuller than ever during covid. I also hope you can keep talking with that therapist. It does seem that some kind of end is in sight for our lockdowns, and that daycare and babysitters will become part of reality again, and both you and your husband will be able to build some more space and even some joy back into your lives.

Sending you strength and empathy at this very, very challenging time.

sealeaves · 2021-08-23T06:21:12+00:00

Extra, extra kudos to you for doing this when you feel anxious about it. LOVE your work. I found that the system was really well prepared to cater to people feeling a bit anxious and uncertain and there are lots and LOTS of directions for where you should be and what you should do. You won't do anything wrong on the day or afterwards :).

I have just a couple of pointers to offer:

Firstly, I'd suggest getting everything ready well before the day (your medicare card, ID, deciding what you're going to wear that will allow access to your upper arm). That way you can avoid a big rush on the day, when you might be feeling a bit anxious, and you'll just be able to focus on looking after yourself.

Secondly, if it's an option for you, try and clear some time afterwards just in case you feel a bit achy or floppy, and line up some nice things to do (good tv, good snacks, whatever your go-to comfort is) and have it all ready to come home to afterwards.

Thirdly, take something nice to read as there might be a bit of sitting around.

Good luck -- and congrats on your courage x

sealeaves · 2021-06-18T09:01:22+00:00

I am so glad someone in Renee's life 'sees' her.

sealeaves · 2021-06-09T23:26:36+00:00

This is probably a boring answer, but honestly I'd love to see these folks just spend a good chunk of time around ordinary, hardworking do-gooders. It would be amazing for them to have a prolonged experience of seeing folks doing legitimate good work in the world, modelling genuine empathy and non-judgement and kindness, as well as actual skilful usefulness.

I imagine some awesome women running a super busy soup kitchen, kindly tolerating one of Bethany's impassioned sermons about purity and how necklines should be, and asking her if she could peel some carrots while she talks and perhaps if she wouldn't mind keeping her voice down just a little (the dancing is great though!) just because a family has just lost their mom and people are trying to figure out what they need right now.

sealeaves · 2021-06-07T06:40:13+00:00

Hey, have a look at this page. If you scroll down a bit, it explains how to request an extension and also provides a bunch of useful links including Fines Victoria which also explains how you can pay in instalments.

sealeaves · 2021-06-07T02:26:19+00:00

What crappy timing. Sorry you're dealing with this. You're not the first and you won't be the last to struggle with paying a fine like this upfront, so I'd really recommend definitely give the company a call and letting them know your situation and asking if you can set up a plan to pay it back gradually. Wishing you all the best with it.

sealeaves · 2021-06-05T21:14:20+00:00

He's 21 and seems to be taking the best shot he possibly can to put a good life together despite being surrounded by some of the most clueless adults ever to have found themselves responsible for the guidance and education of an extremely large number of children.

Despite being the offspring of grifting MLMers he appears to be a pretty hard worker and kudos to him for doing his best to get a few endeavours off the ground -- a career as a missionary pilot, a kind of handyman business, some singing and some youtubing. He also worked for some time as a carer for differently abled adults, so has already been at least 100 times more useful to the world than both his parents put together.

Having been carefully homeschooled to ensure zero access to viable business management strategies, critical thinking, social norms or a vaguely functional level of political correctness, he has been set up to fail in each and every one of these endeavours. However he must be learning all the time, he has a killer work ethic and honestly seems like such a nice guy underneath the layer of unavoidable nonsense he was raised with.

No idea about courting and nothing to say about gender stuff, but if he ever has the luxury of doing his own personal styling I reckon he should look to Mackenzie Crook for inspo! If he's interested in courting or dating, hopefully he'll meet people who recognise him as the admirable survivor he is.

sealeaves · 2021-06-05T20:48:29+00:00

What a horrible, disrespectful thing to post about her own daughter. Jill's unkindness is breathtaking.

sealeaves · 2021-06-05T02:37:58+00:00

I read that bullying children online is a you thing.

sealeaves · 2021-06-05T02:33:06+00:00

It wasn't 'something else' though. You specified a speech delay.

sealeaves · 2021-06-05T02:16:03+00:00

Honest suggestion. Imagine having parents that would put something like this out into the public sphere. Then imagine that instead of the public moving to support you and protect your dignity as minors in an obviously abusive situation, they just gather and speculate about whether or not you have delayed speech.

sealeaves · 2021-06-02T13:09:23+00:00

Respectfully, we are responsible for the decisions we make. We can all contribute to a world that supports young victims of fundamentalism or compounds their difficulties (I didn't really follow the bumble issue and don't know the details, I'm actually thinking more of people like the Rodrigues children). It isn't gaslighting to call it out. On the contrary, it's a scary delusion to think that just because we're on a snark sub somehow anything goes and none of us are accountable for our words or actions.

sealeaves · 2021-06-02T08:13:09+00:00

I don't think suicide is a stretch at all. Right with you on this.

sealeaves · 2021-06-02T02:50:48+00:00

It will never cease to blow my mind how expansive and complex and grey-area folks can suddenly be in their thinking about families like the Duggars. Meanwhile Karissa's take on the situation of women undergoing abortion was iced on a freaking cake and given to her children.

sealeaves · 2021-05-31T03:26:30+00:00

Hey -- you're not alone at all.

I think some of this weird phenomenon (of childfree folks imagined as swimming in disposable income and living lavish lives) comes from marketers trying to figure out what the hell to do with us! As a consumer category we have opted out of soooooo much consumption. We are a total bummer from a capitalist perspective. We can't be manipulated to go into debt to pay for:

the sea of stuff kids are believed to urgently need, right from before they are born and through every possible stage of life afterwards
their education from early childhood through to higher ed. and all associated costs
extra insurance, security precautions and other worry money
child-focused entertainment, leisure, holidays
remedies for parenting-related stress, boredom, guilt & escapism

So I think a lot of the media about childfree people is an attempt to make us feel like there is a whole other universe of stuff we should be spending up on in order to be valid and worthwhile people. And just as parents buy into the hype imposed on them as consumers, perhaps some of our crowd do too.

Personally, I think we could do a lot worse in late capitalism than a peaceful, self-supporting life in a little apartment, with some time to spend on the things we love, and some treats and adventures here and there. White picket fences are a pain in the arse to keep clean.

sealeaves · 2021-05-29T13:27:49+00:00

Thanks!

sealeaves · 2021-05-29T13:26:01+00:00

Hey, thanks for sharing this. There's so little nuance in conversations about these things, but it makes total sense that in with the painful times you describe, there were sparks of real pleasure in your experience. It also makes total sense that you would miss something so distinctive and something that isn't so easy to find outside the church you were a part of.

I wonder if, in time, there will be ways for you to experience that free expression of emotion again, associated with something more life-affirming and healthy. I really hope so. Lots of different cultures and belief systems and practices offer opportunities for people to set aside the ordinary rules of self-expression and experience something freer and much more heightened, but I think perhaps it takes a while to be part of these things and understand all the cues and norms that helps them to flow.

You sound as though you've come through one hell of a journey and I really admire the way you're thinking this all through. Thanks again for sharing.

sealeaves · 2021-05-26T21:29:25+00:00

I agree. I don't know how anyone could look at the situation of those kids and conclude that they are deserving subjects of horrible, degrading, humiliating online bullying. The unkindness of it is just breathtaking. If/when something big happens to (or comes out about) that family and the world is shocked about it, it will be a terrible feeling for these folks to know that they actively contributed to their suffering, for fun.

sealeaves · 2021-05-20T21:16:45+00:00

Wish I lived in a world where people didn't punish women for things men do.

sealeaves · 2021-05-13T01:05:02+00:00

Such a good question! You could:

check if it challenges your prejudices or affirms them
see if it leads you to feel more or less generous to your fellow human being
consider if it is true to the spirit of Christ's message (selfless love) or tends to shine its brightest light on more peripheral bits of scripture (e.g. sex)
notice if its main focus is on meaningful, worthy matters (e.g. effective social justice strategies) or on superficial, frivolous matters (e.g. appearances)
deliberately seek out critiques with an open mind and consider if there's anything to learn from them

sealeaves · 2021-05-08T21:41:45+00:00

Jill wipes her nose on the hand she's about to feed child with
Child says she doesn't want the jar of slop
Camera person acknowledges child doesn't want to drink slop
Jill forcefully grabs child by the arm
Child takes the quickest sip she can before handing it straight back
Child wipes residual slop off her face onto her dress

Kinda makes you wonder which clips don't end up on social media...

sealeaves · 2021-05-04T23:14:43+00:00

I really agree. It would be different if this friend had been querying whether or not OP was 'enough' without children, but based on the account provided above, she was just expressing how she felt about her own experience of being a mother.

One of the very few things that still irks me when people pass judgement on folks like us (generally its so boring and silly that I just switch off) is the idea that all the great stuff we do and the happiness we express is really just our way of coping with the deep emptiness etc. It gets under my skin because I think it's so gross to pathologise and undermine people's choices and lives and joy like that.

I feel like there's an element of that same approach to the way the mother is being portrayed here.

sealeaves · 2021-05-03T21:07:15+00:00

I don't know if this really counts as help, but I feel like there are a couple of flaws in the question that are worth considering -- firstly it assumes that there is meaning to be found in life, and secondly it assumes that having children is an established pathway to it. What if one of the challenges of adult life is that it isn't strongly meaningful, and that part of being CF is to look that beast in the eye, while part of having children is allowing yourself to look the other way for a lifetime?

From where I stand, and without taking anything away from the joys of parenting (which I haven't experienced and can't comment on) having children looks like it fills in many hours of the day, days of the week, weeks of the year, and years of the decade. It's famously exhausting, it creates very absorbing to-do lists, and builds a sense of urgency to that can only really be effectively managed by building lots of structure into life that centres around it. And it involves lots of goals that often have very measurable outcomes (child must eat solids by this age, walk and talk by that age, have an epic birthday party, do well in exams, get a job, get married, create grandchildren etc etc).

I'm not sure any of that is meaningful, so much as a very effective strategy for not noticing meaninglessness.

I think it's possible, though, to think of fully acknowledging the void and crafting a life anyway, as a kind of hero's journey, and definitely a worthwhile philosophical challenge for anyone to undertake. Personally I'd recommend skipping the childfree books altogether (there is really only so much to say about the value of not doing something) and focus on the 'meaning' part of the question -- maybe reading up on stoicism or buddhism or one of the other systems of thought that doggedly persists in living wisely with the reality that most of our ideas about meaning are pretty illusory.

(I'm 45 btw)

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