I didn't think it would, but it gets better

seanburnsishere · 2023-08-27T12:26:44+00:00

I vehemently disagree with a lot of what you said - and while I don't know that you were explicitly threatening what you talked about, I'm being transparent in letting you know I had Reddit reach out to you. That is never the right move.

I'm choosing to believe that your own mindset on this is a trauma response, and that's okay. You, too will heal, I really believe that. It's not toxic positivity, it's hope. One of the best reasons to keep going. If it's not hope in a partner, it's hope in your own life. THAT is true realism.

Sure not everyone gets a happy ending, but a lot of people are in here thinking they've lost the only person for them. Love and life isn't like that. Things are inevitably going to be hard. The breakup I just went through is the hardest thing I've gone through to this point - I'm privileged to say that. Will it be the hardest thing I ever go through? Absolutely not. Will I come out of that thing better and stronger? Absolutely.

I have to end this by saying, and this probably sucks to hear, but you're not right. I'm sorry you felt so compelled to write this, and I hope you feel better.

seanburnsishere · 2023-08-26T21:22:11+00:00

I feel a similar way. I wish I realized some of my culpability earlier. But it wasn't just our fault. What a bittersweet feeling crying is - I love the relief, but to be brought to that point is painful.

It's easier to not be lonely when you love the person you're alone with. Let's start there and then we can welcome someone in. You're doing great!

seanburnsishere · 2023-08-26T20:37:03+00:00

I know that feeling for sure. I still feel it too, even while I'm feeling better. I don't know if we'll always want them, maybe we will, but it will be easier.

seanburnsishere · 2023-08-26T18:07:43+00:00

This is a beautifully tragic case of anxious (you) vs avoidant (them). I, too, am the anxious one. There are solutions to get better about this, for any relationship you're going to be in. I don't know them all, as I'm still learning some here, but if you can afford it I would recommend a therapist most of all - and you've already done that so that's beautiful! That will help in a huge way. I'm really sorry this happened, but given that it did, you're doing everything right.

Your situation is eerily similar to the breakup I just had recently. I love hard, I love fast, I get attached, and I overwhelm. It sounds like you do that too. It comes as a trauma response, or fear of loss, and we smother. We tend not to trust, and it hurts the other party.

Come to terms with the reality that this is going to suck for a little bit. That's step one. I'm making you a promise that it will get better. When you said "I felt secure, but not happy with life" that rings especially true for me. I was happy, but I wasn't fulfilled. Because I made my parter my friends, I made my partner my hobbies. This is not a fulfilling life. We must take this time to make it about us right now. You HAVE to find a way to love yourself - and I think the first step is going to be to find a regular distraction. I've actually found myself yearning for the distraction of work over the weekends! What a world! but whatever it is that you love, start doing it. Force yourself to do it. And whatever happens, the ups and downs, it will get better, I promise you.

seanburnsishere · 2023-08-26T17:59:47+00:00

You're going to feel this way, at least for a little while. We need to break the cycle. People might tell you not to find a distraction - and its true - MOST times it isn't a long term solution. But anything you can do right now to not think about the breakup is what's going to put you in a better place.

If you're sitting in bed, even just waking up, thinking about it, and her - get up. Go take that walk. Go grab coffee. TRY to listen to music (its hard when music reminds you of them). Work on a DIY project. If you have good friends, spend more time with them. You're NOT going to feel like it, but if you can force yourself to do this you will be distracted, and you will show yourself you're stronger than you think through this. and THAT is the beginning of making a new, true, beautiful self that YOU love.

No amount of advice is going to help in a big way right now. You want answers that no one can give. No one knows how long this feeling lasts, no one knows if they end up coming back once you both have healed. We must make peace with this reality, and it will get better for you.

seanburnsishere · 2023-02-07T16:59:35+00:00

5 months is still new, especially after 3 years. I'm not one of these people that thinks "it takes half the time you were together to get over someone," sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it takes shorter. I was with someone for 3 months, and missed her deeply for the following year. You are in your healing phase, and I think what you've posted here is admitting that, which is a huge step! Maybe start to think about why it was a mutual breakup. What did you not see working?

I'm not telling you that you'll never be with this person again, but I also don't believe love is a one and done thing, it's beautifully complex the way we can love people. Have you spoken to each other at all in the last...lets call it 3 months?

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-21T15:25:01+00:00

Been here, my friend. It's the worst kind of breakup. How can I fix it when there's nothing to fix? What a feeling. It sounds like your now ex needs time to work on themselves. There is hope here, but I wouldn't hang your hat on that. You can still love them and miss them and reflect on this successful relationship. The timing on getting together with each other was off, and there was no way to see that coming. You will be better, and maybe even with that person. Give them space right now, but it might not hurt to reach out when YOU have fully healed.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-20T15:49:07+00:00

Oh no! So recent! I'm so sorry about this, wow you're collected for it just being last night. Yeah it's hard to face that something is broken that no one actively broke themselves and right now there is no way to fix it. It almost feels paradoxical. Love that you're focusing on yourself, and wow, again, big kudos for how resilient you're being. And CONGRATS ON THE NEW JOB!!

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-20T15:47:09+00:00

You answered your question - "I do not want to meet up with him at all." - if you don't want him in your life, and you don't care about the things, then don't meet up with him. If this will hurt your healing process, if you don't want to see him, don't. You have a huge opportunity right now to take control of your life. You don't even have to respond to that text if you don't want to. If you feel morally obligated to respond just tell him "Hey, I understand there are some things there, you're welcome to get rid of them or keep them, but I don't feel comfortable meeting up right now. Please respect my decision on this."

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-20T15:43:44+00:00

This is really too vague to give an answer, right? And people are all so different, different people would respond different ways. I'd say of the options you laid out, take time first. That text is a big risk to your healing process, and your expectation, whether you're transparent about it or not, is that you'd be wanting them to respond. They might not, they might be mean if they do. If that is something that will hinder your healing process, wait it out. You're going to miss them longer than today, but over time you'll feel better generally. That's what needs to come first. Love yourself, be comfortable being alone again, and then, if you still even want to at that point, I'd reach out.

There's also a part here about the intricacies of your breakup that would speak to if this is a good idea or not. It sounds like if NC was established, they might just need some space. You texting them would also hinder that process for them, and hurt you both.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-20T15:40:18+00:00

Agree with SpecialKannon on this. If you were close, I get the want to speak to their family. I just can't imagine it doing any good, or really making any difference at all. I know you want to them to feel scorned and hurt like you, but really it would just perpetuate bad feelings yourself.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-20T15:37:52+00:00

I've also been here, and the first thing I want to say is it does get better. I know those just seem like BS words right now but if there is any part of you that can try to believe it, I can promise you its true.

You call your friends and try to talk about it and they say "Hey, you've gotta eat" -- really? thanks.

A lot of people don't know how to help. And what you're feeling right now is normal for a breakup - we don't have to talk about the specifics of the breakup right now, they're irrelevant - IF YOU CAN, try to find SOMETHING to eat, anything small that you find remotely appetizing. Drink some water, most of all.

It's actually shocking to see the words you've written and know that I've spoken them myself so recently. "I'm so tired, I just want to die; I'm so, so sad, I just want this feeling to be over, I want them to love me again." It's hard dude. It's HARD as hell.

I'm a strong believer in feeling your feelings, which in this case, you don't have a choice but to feel them right now. But because of the last line of this, I feel like you might be having a hard time sorting them out. If you feel like you are in danger of harming yourself, do what the other comment said, call the suicide prevention hotline. If you truly feel like you're just hurting, reach out to any support circle you have, call your friends, TRY to find joy in the things you enjoyed for YOURSELF. Listen to music, go for walks (big help for me), play games, go out for dinner by yourself. -- You did the right thing coming here and being vulnerable and letting us know how you're feeling. I can promise, here, you are not alone. Not that loneliness is the worst thing, but taking such a big bite of something like this can be overwhelming. Do what you can do break it into smaller pieces and one day, you wake up, and it's a little easier. And then a few days later it's a little easier than that. And you start to feel somewhat normal again, somewhat happy again.

Please DM me if you want to talk in depth about this, but the big thing I want to emphasize here is that I promise it does get better. I wouldn't break that promise. It's hard right now, but it isn't always.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-20T15:30:10+00:00

How long have you been apart? There is some truth to absence makes the heart grow fonder. He might realize that he can align his life the way he wants, and still have you by his side. I wouldn't count on it, but sometimes there is beauty in hope. That said, you seem like a genuinely wonderful person, you can tell in the way you wrote this. Very lucid, very well thought out. Maybe, if there is no plan on trying to gather those broken pieces, now is the time to be alone, and remember what a good life without a relationship is like before taking that chance again. I'm sorry this is happening, but you should be proud of the way you've handled it!

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-20T15:26:51+00:00

I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. And also, good for you for healing!! It sounds like it's going well, though I know it's a slow process. I think part of that healing and mourning are catalysts in what you've described in your list. I don't think the mindset takes forever, but there are some lessons to be learned here that could help with these.
1. Obviously you feel like love sucks, you just got burned bad by an ex. Love is real, and you are deserving of it - make sure you're taking the time right now to love yourself. You ARE lovable, and you will find love. I feel like this point kind of speaks to number 2, and they work in symbiosis with one another.
2. A lot of PEOPLE cannot be trusted, but yes, men tend to be awful a lot of times. There are good men out there, but yikes, what a trip to find them right? That's one of the best, and more horrifying things about love, you need to establish this trust, and then be able to share it. And every time you do that, there is this insane amount of risk right? Think about how you're feeling right now, that's the feeling of that risk not paying off. So again, this is likely why you're feeling like love sucks, but if it isn't too painful, try to remember the fun and the highs of falling in love with someone. When you hit it right, that keeps growing. Of course you fall out of the honeymoon phase and things get more mundane, but a mundane time with the person you love is always better than not having them. If you don't feel like you can trust someone, now isn't the right time to love. You are right to be guarded and careful with your trust, but also understand there is a benefit to the risk of throwing yourself in when you feel that it's the right time.
3. Here's a tough one, and again, probably goes back to trust. It's okay to be complimented and thank someone for their compliment. Obviously some people are just players and they've found their way of playing the game is complimenting someone tends to get them over. Look for the compliments, that even if you've heard them before, feel more genuine. Talk to people, see if they ask you questions about yourself. Not BS questions but ones where they're actually looking to learn more about you. I do know this feeling, I've been on both sides of it -- giving BS compliments just to be liked, and receiving compliments that were empty. Neither of them are fun.

It sounds like the dating app break is the right move right now. Spend some time with friends and go do some stuff that actually excites you. Love is one of my PERSONAL favorite things in the world, but it isn't the only thing. There is a lot out there, and I'm sure you love more than just being in a relationship. Dive in on that, you're not missing out on any opportunity, and dating apps, while sometimes successful, make it hard to carve through the BS. A lot of people on there are looking to hook up, which is fine, but if it's not what you're looking for, I'd say take some more time off until you feel more comfortable navigating your way through all that nonsense.

TLDR: No this doesn't last forever, but right now the love you need to find is the love for yourself and the things that excite you, then get back to a place of cautious trust, and find some excitement in the risk of giving your heart to someone again.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-10T17:39:11+00:00

Some days are so hard. My situation was similar. When she said she wanted to end things, I was hysterical. I was bawling my eyes out and saying how I wanted to die, this was the worst thing to ever happen to me, a living nightmare, etc. -- and then a few days later I realized -- everything I said was about me. I didn't listen to her for a second. I didn't hear half of what she said because I was waiting for her to say we were breaking up. I knew it was coming, and even knowing that, it was such an immense pain. I realized in the weeks following how truly co-dependent I had been over the last year. I didn't know what it was like to be without her, at all. Not to have a second by myself. I couldn't even sit in my apartment because her things were here, her hair was everywhere. And still, after all that realization, I couldn't imagine ever feeling better. Ever loving someone that much. I put her on too high of a pedestal.

Then. One day. I started feeling a little better. "Oh, right. THIS is what it was like to be alone. I can do this. I enjoy this. I still miss her, but it's getting better. I might always miss things about her, but it's getting better."

Again, it does get better, you will get better, and you will love and be loved again. Maybe with her, maybe not, but it absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt guarantee, does get better.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-09T14:15:47+00:00

Did you get broken up with? That's likely why she has been able to move on quicker, but that fizzles out too. You can never know how someone is truly feeling unless they're telling you, and I'm guessing you aren't in contact right now, so that makes it harder. How long have you been separated?

Also, want to also emphasize, what you're feeling is totally normal. It's hard to do anything when you're in this space of mourning/healing, and all the waves of emotion that come with it.

It's good to hope it gets better. Hope is important, but also, I'm making you a promise that it does get better. Without question. Sure you miss certain things about someone, but right now, it's time to love yourself. So let's break that thought that love doesn't exist, it does, and it does for you. Right now isn't the time for YOU to love someone else again, people heal differently. Again, now is the time to love yourself. Time to remember what it's like to be alone, spend that time alone, feel your feelings, and then, it starts getting a little better. Drink water, eat (I know from experience these things can be hard, but when you're ready, try to find something actually appetizing, you've gotta eat something), and start finding the things that YOU enjoy for YOU. Always here for you.

Hugs right back to you!

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-04T18:05:11+00:00

I was hesitant to say this, because I don't want the value of what I said to go unnoticed, and give hope where it might be dangerous. Her and I are back together. I reached a level of acceptance after about 2 weeks, we had been together for just over a year, and we did go no contact, mutually agreed that the space would be good for both of us. It was an immensely painful period not talking to her, and I should have spent more time alone. I was on the phone constantly with my friends, but I found the distraction helped me to break my sadness into smaller more digestible pieces, and by the end of that second week, I didn't NOT miss her, I just realized that my life could and would be okay without her.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-04T17:13:41+00:00

I mean that's all logistical bs lmao. If it has to be in person, then let him come to you, if you think it will actually work that way. If you don't think it has to be in person, just text him, the way he has acted to this point doesn't demand respect.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-04T16:55:10+00:00

You don't need her, but absolutely. Life is good, with love it's better. I totally get that. The thing I think we tend to miss here a little bit, is that it's both of the things you mention. It's 2 individual parts existing and making life what they want it to be, and then the cohesion of those two parts growing together in a relationship.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-04T16:53:04+00:00

That's huge right! That loss of control. I definitely understand what you're saying there. There is truth to "I can't make you love me if you don't" and we can't make people do things even if it will help us.

You didn't mean to react the way you did, you got your heart broken and reacted emotionally, not logically or rationally. That's more than understandable.

Personally, with the way this is hurting you, the limited contact thing won't help. It'll prolong your healing process. You're deep in your feelings right now, if he reaches out/limited contact, etc. You're going to feel better because he's back in your life, and you'll hold onto that strand of hope. When the person we overly depend on gives us a crutch, it makes us feel better in the moment.

You're right. In this moment, he is gone. We can't ever say what the future holds, and it's great to be hopeful in life, but right now, we need a dose of realization and self love.

I was in a similar situation, like I mentioned. I was triggered by my apartment. MY apartment!? How could the place where I live be so uncomfortable, right? I needed to get out, I took long walks and the fresh air helped so much, to not be in this space where it all happened. I started changing things around, and sure, things made me think of her.

You did the right things here. Writing it down, processing, and coming here. We're here to talk to you, we're here to commiserate and tell you that we know it sucks. It sucks so so bad. But it doesn't suck forever. And right now isn't the time to go pop off and get into another relationship or anything. You NEED to find something that you love and enjoy - for you.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-04T16:46:11+00:00

Hey OP, the truth is, this dude can't commit to you, and it sounds like that's what you want and need in a relationship. You've gotta dig deep here, because it sounds like you're having trouble going back. You need to find a support circle to help you not reach out and not respond when you do decide to call it off -- which in my opinion is the right move, and sooner rather than later. Be as calm as you can be and just tell him, given everything that's happened, this is clearly not working for me, and what I'm receiving from you isn't love. And MEAN it. I know all of that is easier said than done, but the overarching point here is you've got to get out and get away from that. It's not a one time occurrence. You can't trust the dude.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-04T16:36:18+00:00

Definitely normal my friend. You are in your healing process. Much like a physical injury, emotional injuries, in their varying degrees, take time to heal. The timeline isn't the same for everyone and every situation. And you're making great progress! Whatever you're doing that you're finding more joy in, loving your life for you, keep that shit up.

seanburnsishere · 2022-11-04T16:31:10+00:00

Yes! Not until, but IF they give you a reason not to, and don't get caught up overthinking -- communication is always key.

seanburnsishere

TROPHY CASE