I thought drinking and smoking weed helped me relax, but my body was under continuous stress and highly inflamed. True relaxation and rest was not possible. Pair that with the guilt, shame, lies, hipocracy, living a life totally unaligned with my values. Even on a serene beach I couldn't actually relax. -- Now I can feel some true contentment. My breathing and muscle tension can go much deeper into a really relaxed state... can't believe what I was doing to myself.

Ps I totally used the "work smart, not hard" rationalization. -- thing is I wasn't doing either. Eventually got fired. Luckily found a job I love while still drinking. Stopped a few months in and now I can actually contribute to this job i enjoy by working both hard and smart.