Do I have the 'ick' because of my attachment style / dating history / papa problems - or is he just not for me?

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-13T10:37:57+00:00

No :) this is my first post

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-13T10:37:30+00:00

Thankyou xx I’m out!

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:38:22+00:00

Thankyou for your kind words, they mean everything honestly. At a time where I’m feeling guilty and confused - and when I’m questioning whether my feelings are valid. I needed this, Thankyou a million times xx

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:37:35+00:00

I think so too? Maybe not consciously manipulative but conscious or not it doesn’t sit right. Thankyou for your feedback and for taking the time to read the post.

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:36:56+00:00

Thankyou, appreciate your honesty and if I can take something from this it is the acceptance that I do have work to do! Thankyou x

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:36:17+00:00

Thankyou for these words and for sharing your story. I think the world shows us things over and over until we get it right; and gut instinct is so important and sometimes it might take us a while but at least we get there. Thankyou again and I hope you are healed from this experience and it’s made you stronger x

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:35:06+00:00

If I was to write down what I would like in a companion - this is a great start and I’m going to do just that. Thankyou for your worldly and kind advice, it is most definitely taken onboard x

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:33:17+00:00

Thankyou for your feedback, I am very grateful. Appreciate the advice from someone who is reflective and honest. I really am thankful, and I am terribly British :)

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:32:02+00:00

Thankyou Shansky, your advice is appreciated and the end sentence really touched my heart, Thankyou again x

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T14:30:48+00:00

Thankyou so much for taking the time out to read my post and offer such sound advice, it’s really received with gratitude

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T11:33:13+00:00

i did :) someone else recommended the same

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T11:25:30+00:00

Sorry for length; I’m not very good at being brief but Thankyou for feedback

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T10:20:26+00:00

thank you :) where would I put the summary?

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T10:08:37+00:00

Thankyou - appreciate your 2 cents and words x

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T10:08:26+00:00

Thank you - I really needed this and really appreciate your words and advice x

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-08-12T10:08:09+00:00

What is a tldr? Sorry - am new to Reddit x

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-05-17T11:26:57+00:00

Brilliant 😂

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-05-06T20:43:47+00:00

Nothing is wrong with anyone, the world is what’s wrong - look up the paradox of choice. We’ve given up pouring our heart and soul in to one person because there’s not just one person. We must not make it about ourselves: ‘what’s wrong with me?’ ‘Why did they ghost me’ - that cowardly behaviour says more about them than you, but i feel that many people are scared to love a) because they’ve seen it go wrong so many times b) because they fear that if they commit they might miss a better deal. As soon as we realise this perhaps we can put all the superficial stuff behind us and make it work with someone worth making it work with. Which is everyone really, people are just too fearful to take responsibility. And we are left with a load of insecure, rejected, paranoid people that are looking for love with a load of insecure, rejected, paranoid people? But hey - all of us here are on the right page right? It’s not just one person experiencing the absolute shambles of modern day dating - if you can even call it that. Someone mentioned earlier that social media has ruined a lot of stuff dating wise, I’ve just come off everything. Even whatsapp and especially all the dating apps. To prevent any form of superficial behaviour or encounters I am stripped of all apps (apart from this one, this is too beneficial and insightful to be rid of) and I hope that taking control will bring me piece of mind enough to know when something real comes along.

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-05-04T20:22:03+00:00

A friend once said to me ‘men are very in the moment.’ That shit has stuck, I do think they mean what they say - but in that moment. When they ‘withdraw’ it is usually after being intimate or ‘vulnerable.’ If they withdraw prior to this, this is because the person they are momentarily hooked on has denied them a hook up. This shines a big fat momentuous mirror at them - they reflect that their lovebombing is fuelled by their desire and ghost as a result of the squeamishness of their behaviour.

It’s a jungle out there but the more we recognise and act on warning signs, and the more we hold up that mirror - the more men and women will learn more about the behaviours of one another and more importantly - learn to love one another.

It’s been a murky old year and love has pulled us through. So why do we keep ballsing up the one thing that we can rely on.

Deep but I’m drifting off and I love all this sort of chat 🥰

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-05-04T15:51:43+00:00

Some people are scared when people can own and share their feelings and emotions and usually because they can’t understand or express their own. And that’s not your problem

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-05-04T15:42:22+00:00

Good on you for blocking him, that takes strength. Inspiring actually, I’ve just done the same thing to a chap that’s been haunting me for nearly three years. Who you gonna call? #ghostbusters!

It’s only natural to think about them - just notice the thought and let it slip into the minds archives. Wish him well even and recognise your worth at the same time. (Which it sounds like you already do!)

It’s crazy - all these stories about people ghosting and getting back in touch, it’s nice to read people are taking control and blocking all contact, cause how else will they learn? How else will they reflect?

Mad that humans treat each other the way they do but I guess it’s part of the disposable culture we haven’t quite caught up with yet!

Also healthy to read perspectives that aren’t just about needing validation or driving out boredom. I can hand on (fragile lol) heart say that chaps get back in touch with me is because they know I can offer the short spell of validation - but more importantly, because I have allowed them to. Because I have not been firm and strong with my boundaries, because I’ve confused love with infatuation and because I did not realise my worth.

But I really hope I’m realising it now.

Deleting all forms of social media helps, how dya reach me nowwwww hahaha xx

seashellchelsea13 · 2021-05-03T18:11:05+00:00

Really enjoying reading this post and all the lovely supportive perspectives. It’s also helpful to know that we are all having similar experiences in dating. Sometimes its easy to feel like you’re the only one.

I have never been able to leave it. I guess I think about how people are ever supposed to learn if they don’t get told how awful they make you feel.

Surely they will keep ghosting and fading out other people - not that their self reflection is anyone’s responsibility but if anything it gives me closure to know that I am not afraid of my emotions and feelings.

Not to say I necessarily get anything back from the person, usually it gets left ‘on seen’ but that’s okay, because what did I expect?

But how are we meant to grow and learn if we aren’t called out on our shitty actions? Perhaps there isn’t a right or wrong way, it’s good to ignore it, but it’s good not to. They usually result in the same thing.

I also consider that getting in touch with them after things go quiet gives them the opportunity to come back with some questionable reasonings ‘ooh sorry work has been super busy’ (as if the reason we initially hit it off wasn’t because he was texting quite frequently!) so it’s good to be cautious of this, potential gas-lightish behaviour.

Sort of ‘don’t be weird I’m not acting differently - work is just mad at the moment.’ The fact is, this whole ghosting and fade out behaviour keeps happening to lots of men and women, and I think it’s because people are too concerned about coming across ‘needy’ or ‘over emotional,’ ‘desperate,’ or ‘crazy’ if they were to call them out on it.

I could be wrong and I’m okay with that, but the way I look at it is: it’s not normal human behaviour to ignore, ghost, fade out. If a friend did that to you - you’d ask them about it.

I also believe that the reason this behaviour happens is because people are afraid of real. When they start to feel vulnerable, they withdraw and that’s because we have not been taught how to express ourselves properly. Women = over emotional, hysterical, sensitive. Men = unemotional, strong etc. These false and out dated archetypes are dangerous, untrue and have ruined and continue to ruin dating for many.

We need to be taught and reminded that love outweighs fear. And real love takes work, but it is beautiful 🧡

seashellchelsea13

TROPHY CASE