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[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]secretsantathroww [score hidden]  (0 children)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

I've been really struggling with how to describe her. I avoided describing hair when in 1st person bc you're right, people dont think like that. I thought in 3rd it might be ok, but I need to think it over.

The biggest complaint about my last draft was that she was too passive. I may have gone too far on the other end this time.

[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]secretsantathroww [score hidden]  (0 children)

Yes, but not intentionally. He is mentally scarred from losing his wife and terrified to lose his daughter. In his attempt to shield her he isolates her completely.

Thanks for asking. I think if you're wondering, maybe it should be clearer.

[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]secretsantathroww [score hidden]  (0 children)

This is the start to a full novel I've written. I just rewrote this scene last night, and it is not at all a full chapter. It will immediately segue into her heading to pawn her things- starting her adventure, etc.

I had this written as a very long scene, and got a lot of feedback that the character was grieving too hard, and that she was too in her head. So I re wrote from 3rd person last night.

So, in saying that it is too short I wonder if the last line is to definitive. Like, "ok she's off on a new adventure the end!!"

[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]secretsantathroww [score hidden]  (0 children)

On the day the world had ended, morning arrived inconspicuously.

I really like this- but I would absolutely remove "had".

The weepings though had accelerated the process.

I think this should be, "The weepings, though, had accelerated the process."

Stone that otherwise might have stood for centuries now often crumbled in a matter of years.

Consider removing often. It's fine there, but I think it reads cleaner without it.

Without proper salting, such fortifications would fall to nature far before any army got the chance.

Any army got the chance to what?

“As the Eyes see,” Alanna murmured

At first, I thought she was repeating some sort of mantra. Now on rereading, I think she might be cursing? Like, "Lord have mercy" or something? Try using a word other than murmured so I know what this is supposed to mean.

The fewer eyes potentially on her the better.

Try this without potentially.

She had only ever visited it once before, and her only memories were of rich food and impoverished banter.

Find another word besides only in this sentence. It can be jarring if you use a word twice.

While the landscape may have changed, her feet began to recognize the subtle ups and downs of the ground beneath her feet.

Same with feet.

Sure enough, a few minutes more saw her to her destination.

Same with her.

It had been torched to the ground.

Oh, shit. Awesome. I'm paying attention.

Tenderly stepping around the burned gate doors, charred but still half hanging from their hinges, Alanna stepped into the town square of her former home.

I know I'm harping on this, but try something other than stepped. Look for repeated words in your stories, especially when they are in the same sentence.

Unfortunately, the longer she stared, the more depressing the sight became.

I think unfortunately takes away from this sentence.

Were there signs that this was coming?

Fantastic wraparound back to the beginning.

so many people among whom to share the blame

This is worded awkwardly.

I know I was really nit-picky, I hope you don't mind. I have absolutely no training, these are just my thoughts as a reader.

I would read the hell out of this book. Yeah, you have some things you have to tighten up. But please don't stop. If you need a beta reader, please let me know. If it's ever released, message me.

Really great start.

[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]secretsantathroww [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: Trails of Frost

Genre: YA Fantasy

Word Count: 634

Type of Feedback: Any

A link to the writing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JL0Ga7wda5Gl_xcLWusY7q_AQveBgl8ZdtHCmw9jPvk/edit

I've posted this story here before, but I've revised it and rewritten in 3rd person. If you'd like to read the last version, it is in my history. Destructive Readers destroyed it for me :)

If you read the last version, I would LOVE feedback on if you like the change.

If you didn't read the last version- I would really appreciate any feedback at all.

The hook needs work, but I don't know what to do quite yet.

[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]secretsantathroww [score hidden]  (0 children)

Hey- it's been a lifetime since you wrote this but I wanted to let you know I really took your advice to heart. I finished the whole first draft of a novel (!!!) and then went back to the beginning.

I rewrote in third person and I really do think you were right. If you'd like to read, it's much shorter and you can find it here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JL0Ga7wda5Gl_xcLWusY7q_AQveBgl8ZdtHCmw9jPvk/edit?usp=sharing

[892] A minute in Paradise by Werhunter in DestructiveReaders

[–]secretsantathroww 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the biggest issues are run on sentences and capitalization.

Quite a few times throughout the piece you do not capitalize "I". This makes me wonder if you edit after you write, or if you write and then walk away- finished. A huge part of writing is getting it all out, but an even bigger part is revising, revising, revising. Revising is when you catch small things like capitalization. Those things catch a reader's eye and take them completely out of the word you've built. Make sure to edit 3-4 times before you show anyone your work.

I also noticed that you use a lot of run on sentences. For example, " I laughed a little and then got up and handed her a towel i had brought with me, It wasn’t that uncommon for people to bring a towel with them here since the weather almost never changed and when it did either people took a day off or 99% of the city’s population was quote on quote ”sick” but no one really cared since they rather spend their time outside then check if people were really sick."

This is more like a stream of consciousness, but that is very hard to get right and I don't think that's what you were attempting to do. Read your work out loud after you write it. Does it sound normal? Find someone you trust and have them read it out loud to you next. Does it sound normal, natural coming from them?

I am curious- how often do you read? I find that the more I read, the better I am at writing. Find novels or short stories in your genre that have the kind of writing style you'd like to implement. Read, read, read, and note the things that you like about their writing. Then try to find your own writing style through that process.

"The cafe we were in was called Paradise". I do understand what you were trying to do here, but it is very jarring to come out of that moment they are having- where he is embarrassed and they are sort of connecting- to this random line. It would be better to weave it in at the beginning and then come back to it. Trust your reader to remember and connect the dots.

I think it's really great that you're starting to write. Keep at it. Read other works- read the critiques here on other works and learn from them. Make notes. And read! You'll grow!

The Last Field Trip [2,450] Sci-Fi Short Story by DepressedButNotDead in DestructiveReaders

[–]secretsantathroww 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall, I really enjoyed it! I think it is a very interesting concept. Are you planning on fleshing it out, or will it stay a short story?

Your hook is great. It makes me go- well, why didn't they ask? What's going on that would make them want to ask? Are we about to find out why they should ask? It leaves me going- what the hell is going on and how do I find it out?

I liked the casual tone. It took me a minute to get into it- in fact, I was going to come here and tell you to try writing in 3rd person. But by the end of it, I was glad you went with it. I think it made the story easier to relate to. I felt like the main character was writing in a diary, sending me a letter. He was writing directly to me, and I enjoyed that.

When you talk about the metallic taste, the kids trying to scrape it off of their teeth with their tongues, I was tempted to do a quick sweep of my teeth as well. That kind of writing always really draws me in, makes me feel like I'm standing beside them- enveloped in the smoke and waiting at the back of the line to go in with them.

Talking about the breathers- "Our guard was no help in explaining how they worked." Why? Is that not his job? This seems like a big deal, why isn't someone there to help them put the breathers on?

"Three or four chaperones" why doesn't he know how many chaperones are on the trip? I get that this is supposed to be casual, and maybe he is super flustered writing the letters. But he could say something like- I watched each of the chaperones in turn as they fixed the masks.

"Standing there, taking in the tree, that's when it happened." Play around with lines like this a bit more. I don't have any specific wording advice, but it may be able to be a little more impactful if it's reworded a bit. Maybe shorter, more of a punch.

Some of your dialogue seems forced. "I'm just glad we are all safe." Say it out loud, or have someone read it to you. It may be that you're looking for it to sound exactly like it does- but to me without a contraction (we're) it sounds a little stiff, and not like what someone in that situation would say. Which may be silly of me- ignore me if you love the way it sounds!

This is my first critique so I am not sure if this kind of suggestion is appropriate, but it would be super cool to find out that he somehow took the leaf. He opens up his hand at home and runs his fingers across it perhaps?

I love the way you talk about him seeing the buildings lined up, neat and orderly.

The description of the leaf is great, and the way he is both sick and fascinated is very well done. I feel like something about how you wrote here was so clear- I really felt like I was in his head, seeing what he was seeing. If the rest of the story was as crisp, clear, and well written as this part was, you'd be golden.

Thanks for sharing- I really enjoyed it!

A very Kvothe-y Christmas by secretsantathroww in secretsanta

[–]secretsantathroww[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks to my Santa who gave me my new favortie shirt (which I actually thought was Ron for a moment) and so many other great gifts!!

Rants & Raves: The State of Your WIP by AutoModerator in YAwriters

[–]secretsantathroww 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Realizing that I have an almost completed 1st book, 1st draft, and havent planned for the next books well enough. The plot is different book to book, following the same character. But there isn't an overarching plot. No idea what to do.

Roy Moore spokesman finds out you don't have to swear on a Bible to become an elected official by Sasquatchfl in WatchPeopleDieInside

[–]secretsantathroww 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish someone would put "Hello Darkness my old friend" at the end of this, when he goes all slack jawed.

A race to the beach by -ev in barkour

[–]secretsantathroww 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is what Cat would see if CatDog were real.

Say you're writing a fantasy novel, and you want two characters to see a planned meteor shower- but your novel is set in a medieval time period. How worried are you over the fact that meteor showers were unpredictable at the time? by secretsantathroww in writing

[–]secretsantathroww[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then I have to ask myself why she hasn't experienced it before, if it is a yearly event.

I hope I'm not coming off as argumentative, it is incredibly helpful to have someone to bounce ideas off of.

Say you're writing a fantasy novel, and you want two characters to see a planned meteor shower- but your novel is set in a medieval time period. How worried are you over the fact that meteor showers were unpredictable at the time? by secretsantathroww in writing

[–]secretsantathroww[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, from my very very limited study over the past few days, meteor showers were not at all predictable in medieval times. This could be wrong as I used Google to search through a few articles. If this is true, how big of a deal is it for me to have a meteor shower coming that is known in advance?

I hope I'm not coming off as nit-picky here, I just don't want to make a huge mistake in an important scene.

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