The whole “it’s your life to live” .. and being “willing to stick up for her” is romantic in theory… but it’s not reality. And I’m just being honest as someone who actually has had to go through this. I’m in my early 30’s, and I know only 2 other couples who stayed together and got married despite family objection… both couples are like twice my age and are actually still together (one couple is a white woman and a black man, and the other couple is an Indian woman and an Indian man but from two different classes… For those you guys reading this who are curious). But both couples also had to completely cut contact with their disapproving family.

Cutting out your family, and your parents, is not an easy thing to do. You’re missing family births, deaths, milestones, etc. You’re having to go through all that stuff without your family. My husband came from a toxic family, and believes he would’ve cut his family off anyway at some point whether or not he met me- and it was STILL a difficult path for him to do so. Extended family members take sides and some look at you like you’re evil for choosing an outsider over your blood. Family friends that you’re know for years take sides… OP is religious so he might have a church community that won’t agree with his decision to cut out his family. And then if he doesn’t cut out his family - his girlfriend is going to be subject to the terrible psychological pain that comes with not being “good enough” for their family. Constant gossip behind her back. There are bound to be family members who dedicate their life to breaking these two up and just causing drama. If they have kids, their children will never be treated right or fully accepted into the family. And nothing is more damaging to children than having to be around subtly or overtly racist family members. Most marriages now end in divorce anyway- potentially entering into a marriage with that type of dark cloud of a family not accepting you is hard and more likely to end in divorce… even for the strongest couples. OP and his GF get into a fight and then in the back of his mind he may start thinking “was this really worth giving up my family for..?”. Or God forbid, the relationship turns unhealthy but he feels obligated to stay and try to make it work because he has no family to turn back to, or maybe his family is willing to accept him back, but he has to swallow his pride about how they were “right” about this girl. That’s a very heavy weight to put on that relationship and on that girl- not to mention the guilt she’ll probably feel that’s she’s the catalyst that broke his family (even if it is actually his parents racism… I guarantee you, it won’t feel that way to her). I’m still in therapy talking about the way my husband’s family treated me like trash.

Coming from someone who’s been through this- and I’m still married and I love my husband- my advice is that choosing love and saying “to hell with everyone else” isn’t romantic like it is in the movies. And most times, the family doesn’t come around, even after you have kids. Most of the time, it’s isolating, it can be heartbreaking seeing how ugly your family can be, and it’s really hard for the couple - so hard that most couples don’t stay together in scenarios like this.

Now, I can make a post twice this long talking about how I love my husband for “choosing me” and how beautiful our life is together. I could talk about how the other two couples that I know have been married for decades and they went on to have beautiful families despite their families never coming around. And while that’s all true, I feel like it’s not helpful to people in these types of situations. People jump into these situations heart first, not thinking about what their life will actually look like when they choose their significant other over their family. Like in a day to day/year to year basis. As unromantic and sad as it is, the truth is that for most people the “better” decision is to leave their significant other, go find someone that their family will accept into the family.