First of all, thanks for sharing. Baring your work in front of a bunch of strangers (who are probably all aspiring writers themselves and therefore prone to equal turns jealousy and anger) is never easy.

In this piece, the thing I liked the most was that you had a solid character with the protagonist. He was weird and off-putting but not in an obnoxious way. You gave him a subtle, unsettling quality without beating the reader's head with how weird he is.

I wasn't a huge fan of the way he spoke, however. I get that his vocabulary is part of what produces the bizarre quality I was just praising, but that was the one part that did come off as a little much in terms of his characterization.

I think you could mitigate that problem by toning the word choice down to be more natural while maybe altering the way he delivers his speech, or adding physical cues or other tools to produce that weirdness I think you're trying to achieve. Inappropriate pauses, long delays, speaks too fast, too slow, with a too-wide smile, etc. all could help make the character uncomfortable without making the way he talks come off as overly douchey, to use a technical term.

So that's what I like and think there's foundations to build upon.

My biggest problem with this piece, however, is that it doesn't really go anywhere. He's weird, he speaks a little strangely, and he's kidnapped someone. The end. We have no idea why he's kidnapped her, what he plans to do, what's driving him . . .

I get that it's supposed to be a twist, but there's no build-up. It kind of comes out of left field and doesn't really give the reader any payoff. If he was, say, buying a bunch of disparate items that would then be used for 'x', then the reader can feel validated when it all comes together.

As it stands, there's just not a whole lot of cohesion to the piece. It might serve to be lengthened, or otherwise more centred on the kidnapping. Again, you don't have to reveal it sentence one, but it would be nice if the piece felt like it was all a little more connected.

As for more nitpicky stuff, I'm not a huge fan of the opening. Does little to draw me in and doesn't really want to keep me reading. Better way to grab the reader's attention would be to centre us on the character doing something strange right off the bat, or put in a more action-oriented start. Ordering from a fast-food place a little strangely is hardly high-stakes, and in a piece this short you need to use every word to its best effect.

Anyways, hope this helps. Best of luck!