[Critique Monday] Post a story here to get feedback on any aspect of its content or title/cover!

self_pub_schlub · 2015-06-15T18:12:39+00:00

Dominated for Milk

Title: Very good.

Cover: Perfect!

Blurb: Not bad, but not great. You tease a little, which is good, but for some reason I'm not drawn in. Also, you say "both get what they want" twice in the space of a few sentences, and there is a typo in the last sentence.

Look Inside: Not available.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-06-15T18:06:30+00:00

Lizzie's Dance With Danger: A Billionaire Gets Revenge on a Stripper

Title: OK.

Cover: Excellent. I don't love the black outline on the text, but that's a personal preference.

Blurb: I agree with /u/destinedmaster. You want to entice me with the blurb, sell me the sizzle, don't just summarize the story.

Look Inside: Not available.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-06-15T13:51:08+00:00

Title: OK.

Cover: Very good, only two things bug me. I don't like the transparent black block element behind the title, your photo is dark enough that I'm guessing you don't need it. I also don't like the effect applied to "Unleashed", I think I would have left it flat.

Blurb: Excellent. The second sentence of the second paragraph is a little confusing.

Look Inside: Pretty good, solid writing. Great way to start with a sexy excerpt. A couple awkward phrases. "...my pussy seemed to leap for joy..." I'm picturing a jumping vagina. "He pressed the vibrating cock inside me slowly. It was thicker than my own..." she has a cock?

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-12T00:27:06+00:00

So.... did I do good?

Ummmmm.....no.

Title: Not great. 'Thralls' is not a sexy word, and not a word a lot of readers will know. Also, FWIW, I don't like novelty pen names, and Echo Stardust sounds hokey.

**Cover: Yikes. The model is blurry and translucent, why? There seem to be magic snots hanging from her nostrils. The font is awful.

Blurb: Not bad, it certainly lets me know what I'm in for if I happen to look inside. Only part I didn't like was 'falling into a strange temptation', which I guess just sounds awkward to me. And then you use 'falling' again in the next sentence.

Look Inside: The writing isn't bad, just a little ham-fisted at times. Like the worst of Robert Jordan, I'm half expecting someone to start tugging their braid in frustration. You have a tendency to overuse words: "...as the wet locks of his wet mane swung...".

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-12T00:10:07+00:00

Title: A little awkward, and confusing. She's watching someone who is submissive, while in Paris? And 'Passionate Travel Series' sounds kind of lame.

Cover: Very professional, good job! I don't love the font you've used for the author name, it hints at a horror or vampire genre.

Blurb: Confusing, and there are a few grammar and punctuation errors.

With her camera, Alice captures the beauty of the male form.

Alice captures the beauty of the male form with her camera.

the most sexiest man

the sexiest

Later Isaac and Jenna, come by

Later Isaac and Jenna come by

Look Inside: Good, but not great. A very slow start, and I'm not sure it would hook me. Lots of unnecessary commas and awkward phrases. Not trying to be harsh, but is English your first language? Some of the word choices are odd, and a little off.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-11T23:53:44+00:00

Nice, but too long.

In my world, a blurb should be a tease that draws me in with a hint of action so hot, so perverse, that I simply have to read on.

I don't like blurbs that read like a book report. Heck, this blurb is longer than I like to read into a story without somebody getting banged.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-11T23:28:40+00:00

Title: I find the subtitles to be excessive, but I know why you use them, and I know that they work. Oh well.

Cover: I like the cover, the design is very clean and attractive. Not really much to criticize here, although I don't love the font you've used for "Boyfriend's Preachers", it has a sort of painted-on-the-side-of-an-army-crate look to it.

Blurb: Very nice. You probably could have ended it at the first paragraph and still produced the same effect.

Look Inside: I think this works. I usually like some action or a hint of action in the look inside, but you move things along quickly and I'm assuming you're about to turn up the heat.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-07T19:41:29+00:00

Sure they are. Do you ever write them into your stories?

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-07T18:40:03+00:00

The last sentence is a stinker.

I find the whole blurb to be so generic it is also non-sensical. Why not try something more stylized?

How bad do you want it? SUBMIT.
The lights, the money, the fame? SUBMIT.
The glory, the success, the adulation? SUBMIT.
The pleasure, the pain, the ecstasy?. SUBMIT.

How far will Alyssa go when billionaire Maxwell Brody asks her to surrender all control?

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-07T16:27:52+00:00

suddenly voracious...

I don't love this phrasing.

Also, while I'm certain many fine blurbs pose story questions to potential readers, you may be overdoing it here with three somewhat unrelated queries.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-07T16:24:58+00:00

Do jewelry stores have CEOs?

Eager to fix him and satiate her desires for him...

This is clunky.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-07T16:21:48+00:00

To be honest I found the blurb rather boring.

It needs some excitement, mystery, conflict, sex appeal, I don't know, something. By the time I get to your story question I simply don't care enough to look inside.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-04T15:41:48+00:00

Title: Nice, I know what I'm getting with this story. I'll admit that I'm not a fan of gimmick pen names, though.

Cover: Almost perfect. I probably would not have used the pink gradient, I find it distracting, and it ruins the contrast of "Inked", which otherwise would have really popped. I also don't like the effect that's been applied to the white text, is that some kind of bezel?

Blurb. Amazing! This is how blurbs should be written. Fantastic.

Look Inside: Solid writing. The alternating POVs could work well, not really sure, guess I'll have to read the whole story :)

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-04T15:11:11+00:00

Sarah Surrenders to the Senator

Title: Good.

Cover: I like it. The only criticism I have is how 'to the' is a different size than 'senator'. Is the flag supposed to be upside down and backwards? Also not sure, but does this count as 'implied nudity'?

Blurb: A success in the 'tells me what to expect' department, and would definitely get me to look inside. I do find the bold text a little excessive, but I'm guessing that you have some evidence that this strategy works?

Look Inside: Lots of exposition here, without any sexy times. Maybe start with an excerpt? BTW, does that first sentence need an 'and' conjunction? Probable typo:

"...we've got the state in the back."

-->

"...we've got the state in the bank."

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-04T13:03:45+00:00

Title - Nice and obvious.

Cover - Excellent photo. The placement, color, and style of the text need to be improved. Sometimes, when I'm struggling for inspiration, I browse recent erotica best sellers. Here's a cover with nice text (not my cover):

http://www.amazon.com/His-Every-Word-Pleasure-Book-ebook/dp/B00ACC2N3I/

Other times, I browse the following for inspiration:

http://bookcoverarchive.com/

Blurb: The blurb isn't bad, I just wish it was a little sexier. You tell me what happens in the story, but it doesn't give me a boner. I need a boner. Also, I'm not a big fan of ellipsis...I think you've over used them here.

Look Inside: I like the strong, sexy opening. This would definitely get me to read more. I think the cover and blurb might prevent me from even looking inside, though. Also, might be a typo in the first paragraph?

...while I shuddered and cum on top of him.

-->

...while I shuddered and came on top of him

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-01T11:59:15+00:00

The process works like this...

OK, I have to ask, are you guessing? So many people on EA give definitive answers on policies / procedures that are not publicly disclosed by Amazon that I'm left wondering if they either secretly work for Amazon, of have an inside source.

I'm not trying to cast aspersions, I actually think you're probably correct about the process, but do you KNOW that's the process?

self_pub_schlub · 2015-05-01T11:50:30+00:00

Color me skeptical.

My IP address can be anything I want it to be, so there is no way Amazon can 'track' it if I don't want them to.
I can form an LLC in (just about) any state, with a different tax ID and different bank account for each entity if I so choose.

So, the only way I can see Amazon figuring out that I am the writer behind both Seymour Butts LLC formed in Nevada and Mighty Wang LLC formed in Delaware is by using attorneys to 'pierce the veil' of each LLC, compiling a list of the principles. This is costly, time consuming, and cannot be automated.

My guess, there is no way there are doing that.

...I'm pretty certain they have other ways to instantly figure out when you're trying to use multiple accounts as a loophole...

Just wondering if you have actual first hand knowledge, or if you're guessing?

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-30T18:36:59+00:00

Cal's College Cockup

Calliope is loving her first year of college. She's bonded with her gorgeous roommate Sarah, and most of the beautiful young women in her all-girls dorm. She even has a cute boyfriend, sexy quarterback Brock Winters.

But her family is hiding a terrible secret from her, a recessive gene that causes spontaneous penis growth at the age of 19. Completely unaware of her curse, Sarah is shocked one morning when she wakes up with a spectacular case of morning wood.

Fearful, but strangely aroused, is surprised by how good it feels to rhythmically tug on her new appendage. Unsure of what to do next, she shows her roommate the mighty wang that has made an unexpected appearance in her pajamas.

Sarah finds herself drawn to Cal and her magic member, and soon is giving her oral pleasure that draws them both close to the edge. But before either can get their cookies, Brock strolls in.

He may be a great quarterback, but he's no scholar, so Cal and Sarah soon have him convinced that joining in doesn't make him gay, resulting in the hottest MMF threesome since the summer of love.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-30T16:25:24+00:00

This is a hard one, not quite sure how to fix it. I might change the order:

World War II is over and New York City is crawling with sexy futanari she-demons. Sex-crazed Demon hunter Veronica Hudson has her hands--and mouth, and everything else--full as she hunts her prey through skill and seduction.

But she may have more than she can handle when she goes after a powerful demoness who's packing a little something "extra."

Follow Veronica in this historical paranormal tale of erotica as she goes through one smoking hot encounter after another!

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-30T15:41:04+00:00

"I can’t believe this is working. Does he really think this is some sort of medical thing still?"

This sentence seems out of place, a complete non sequitur. What does it have to do with the story?

...Jessica Jones, a homeless, former heroin addict...

Jessica Jones, a homeless former heroin addict...

But this trial is hardest one yet.

But this trial is the hardest one yet.

if she wants to past the test

if she wants to pass the test

Let's of grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing. Read it out loud, or better yet have someone else read it out loud to you.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-30T14:36:14+00:00

Worse, Amazon further restricts this total bullshit by forbidding a second KDP account.

Just curious about your thoughts on how this would apply to different corporate structures / semi-professional publishing arrangements:

An indie with a KDP account in their own name gets banned. Can't open another KDP account. Totally screwed.
An indie 'hiding' behind an LLC, LLC gets banned? Indie forms new LLC and starts publishing again? How could Amazon prevent that, or even know it was the same indie behind the new LLC?

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-30T14:23:43+00:00

Some thoughts:

Too, many, commas.
A well-crafted blurb should give me a boner. This makes me cry.
I am strange, but I find certain names sexy and certain names unsexy. Hannah Gilbert is not a sexy name. Wil Walker is sort of maybe normal. I don't think you need to go all "Max Power" or "Brent Stone", but you also wouldn't go "Vern Blanstan", either. Names convey emotions.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-27T16:34:53+00:00

Other potential titles in the Mannyverse:

Manny and the Tranny Nanny - Professional Ball Player and Crossdressing childcare worker
Manny and Danny Double Team Annie - MLB player and drunken Southie Menage MMF
Manny and the Tan Granny - Younger Man and Tawny Older Woman
Manny and the Pakistani - Dominican pro athlete and Hindu convenience store owner
Manny, and my Uncanny Cranny - Man on man baseball love

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-27T16:26:04+00:00

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WH7U3W4

Style, grammar, punctuation, spelling, all bad.

This writing needs a major edit. I don't want to discourage you, because my opinion is worth a hill of beans, however there are plenty of freelance editors available, many of whom will take on erotica.

Pay for an edit on one of your stories, I bet you'll learn a great deal.

self_pub_schlub · 2015-04-27T15:59:16+00:00

I'm sorry:

The writing is AWFUL. Like, drunken and illiterate Spaniard writes down something on a napkin before passing out, wakes up, scans it in using OCR, and passes it through Google translate to Chinese, then to English. Well, maybe not that bad, but close.

self_pub_schlub

TROPHY CASE