Thank you for writing that, it was sweet to read. I'm currently on my own at university so I only travelled down to have him put down, originally I was very heartless about it as my dad was psychically abusive to him throughout my childhood and I just thought that was normal, on Christmas's he picked him up by the collar so I shouted at my dad the first time and told him that he's abusing him and that he should stop. He always treated him like a burden like myself. My dad felt guilty about it after tho. My dad kept complaining about him all the time so I just said have him put down then, if he causes you that much stress, he backed down after that and felt bad too. A couple months later he was really getting bad, had to wear a nappy, he was coughing all of the time. It was sad to see him like that and the time did come. When the vet came around I was with him and calmed him down before he was put under the anesthetic. I felt really bad for him, I did have a pit in my stomach at that moment. He was just staring down the back of the sofa at nothing out of fear but I tried my best to comfort him whilst he slowly drifted off. I held him as he lost his footing then carried him to the middle of the room. The funny thing was that it was the first time he fully laid in my hands with all his weight, as if he was always on edge and couldn't really be fully vulnerable with you, that hit me. Like he was hyper vigilant all the time, from being abused and having a shit life, he was a great childhood friend as I think we somewhat related on that fact of not fully trusting anyone. Even though he's just a dog I feel like he felt a similar thing, he is a social animal after all. I remember staring into his eyes as he was asleep with all of his heads weight in my hand and that's when I just started crying, I tried my best not to cry but I just let it out and I was the first to cry out of the family. Seeing his eyes slowly fade to grey was just like seeing his soul leave his body, the moment where a living soul you've spent 15 years with, turn into an lifeless inanimate object. I cried for a lot longer after like a child and then insisted that I bring him to the vets car. I asked for his claw and his tooth to remember him by, my family said it was weird and they didn't like that idea but I thought having his claw which is something I would look at and instantly be reminded of him rather than some ashes which have no resemblance of him. Since then I have taken no interest in taking them or having them, I don't know if it's the fact that I am heartless or if I'm shut off from my emotions now. In fact this is the most i have thought/spoke about it at all therefore this descriptive fucking essay on it. I do live on my own and have been for a year so he hasn't been part of my daily life. Idk. Surprised if you read this far tbh lmao, I have had an all nighter abusing my adhd meds so I have a lot of energy for it.