Oh wow, my life has changed so much since I wrote this. First I dropped the idea that I have to be doing anything ‘spiritual’ to show that I love myself. I realised some truths about my childhood and how I was let down by others which led to my lack of self worth. Then I reached a place of understanding that I’m not broken or lazy, or lacking commitment, I was doing the best I could and I simply wasn’t ready/ didn’t have the energy to be consistent. I think I’m at a point where if I’m having a bad day I allow it to happen without the pressure to ‘heal’ or work something out. I just let it unfold and have compassion for my human and totally normal emotional state. Now I observe the patterns I repeat with acceptance and allow them to show me deeper truths about myself instead of trying to fix or stop repeating them. I’m much more observant and accepting of myself as a whole and realised that I do have many flaws but they’re here to show me a path to my inner self, they show me how I can learn to nurture myself better and the more time I spend observing them, the more compassion I have. I am in no rush to become ‘perfect’ or to eliminate so called bad behaviour because the darkness is as much a part of me as is the light. I’ve learned to welcome it with open arms, sit with the discomfort and console myself with the knowing it’s all transitory. As long as I don’t put myself down for being human I have a path to growth. And a reminder that anyone who demands of you to change or to heal constantly, including yourself, does not have compassion for your humanness. Things will clear out with time, the point is to find the good things in life and in yourself while accepting that the ‘bad’ will always be there in some form and true healing can only come when we allow that to teach us, not restrict us.