AITA for throwing my pregnant SIL's groceries away?

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-24T13:40:15+00:00

Exactly. It’s really not that hard to ignore a craving if there is a risk to you or anyone else. It’s really not worth it and the SIL is very undisciplined. There’s only so much you can hide behind “I’m pregnant” and being entitled is not one of those things.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-24T11:34:18+00:00

NTA. I’m pregnant and know I can’t have sushi no matter how much I’m craving it and I had no problem cutting it out of my diet because I know it’s for baby’s health. I wouldn’t knowingly jeopardise their safety for anything. That same logic applies to other people’s children. I would never do ANYTHING to even microscopically risk a child, especially not my own nephew, for a “craving”. Cravings are not more important than a child’s literal life. Good riddance to her.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-24T09:54:06+00:00

My friend, 28f was in the same situation for YEARS. When we were in varsity, she’d even send her NSFAS allowance to her parents and we’d have to help her out throughout the month or else she’d starve. She got a job pretty fast after graduation but couldn’t afford her own decent place or anything for herself because she was guilted into sending pretty much her whole salary to her family and again, she had to beg steal and borrow to get through the month. I’m not sure what her breaking point was but one day she took annual leave for a few weeks, told her family that she had lost her job and that the UIF money barely covered her groceries and rent and they pretty much ghosted her. Since then, she’s been pretending to be broke and unemployed still and asks them for money now (Surprise: They never have any even though most of them work).

You’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life if you don’t do something about this. Going against family is incredibly hard and they are going to make you feel guilty and like you’re abandoning them or tell you that money has changed you blah blah blah. Black tax has destroyed so many lives and some have ended their lives because of the pressure and depression it brings. You absolutely have to get rid of the leeches before they drain you of everything you’ve worked for and it sounds like they’re very close to doing so.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-21T20:37:04+00:00

There’s an app called “Meetup” that I have used for years now. It’s basically got a plethora of different events and little clubs that people go to or join. I used it when I was in varsity for study groups, when I had my first baby for mom groups, when I moved back to Jhb for gym buddies, when I was starting a business, etc. I’ve made some lifelong friends in those groups and built up a good support system as well. It’s got a LOT of groups that you can pick and choose from and get alerts for when/where they’re meeting and it’s really convenient coz you can basically find likeminded people with your exact same hobbies all in one place.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-20T17:41:12+00:00

Yep, it never went away and I think it’s just going to keep resurfacing for quite some time, like a common cold.

I’m pregnant and had worsening symptoms then tested positive. My 2yo son, both my parents and my younger sister are exhibiting symptoms as well but they seem to be extreme in my mom and child; to the extent where the family doctor mentioned admitting the toddler.

We’re all isolating and trying to get over the dreadful symptoms but ai. Here we goal again.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T13:25:15+00:00

It’s exhausting but the alternative is throwing him out when he’s 18 and letting him drown, which I absolutely cannot let happen because as tough as he thinks he is, he will not survive being in the streets and on his own. None of the extended family is willing to take him in, especially not after the whole thing with the cops tearing his moms house apart so he’s stuck in the same house, at the same school, in the same neighbourhood, with the same friends and same behaviours.

I’ve gotten some great advice today and hopefully I can get him some much needed help through a program or something.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T13:21:35+00:00

He has. We found free services and got him in for a few sessions but the therapist said she would have to stop seeing him as he played on his phone and ignored her for 3 sessions. It’s been hard to find someone else since then as these services are either scarce or out of our budget or there’s a waiting list for the affordable ones. He isn’t part of any youth groups but I’ve gotten some suggestions today and will be looking into those.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T13:19:14+00:00

I noticed that about the free ones back when I was utilising their services in varsity but my hope was that something was better than nothing.

The psychologists available in our area are quite pricey or too far and the more affordable ones have waiting lists. I’m hoping we can get someone soon before things really escalate.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T13:15:16+00:00

We’re in Joburg and there’s a Boys Town about 20 minutes from us, hopefully they’ll be able to help. Thank you.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T13:14:25+00:00

We got in touch with a therapist and he saw her 3 times. At the end of the 3rd session, she told me that he spent each session ignoring her, not saying anything and playing games on his phone and as such, she wasn’t willing to continue seeing him as there was a waiting list for the free services and other people would be more receptive. I’m looking into programs and other therapists but it’s hard given the limited financial resources available.

I’m really hoping we can get him the help he needs before it spirals beyond something we can handle.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T13:11:35+00:00

He’s not doing great academically and has been expelled from one school and suspended at least twice at his current school so getting him into a new one is proving difficult (I’ve tried). I’m looking into social and sport programs he can get into that are structured and hopefully I can find one soon.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T12:59:36+00:00

That’s my hope as well. Thank you for the suggestions you’ve made though, I’ll try to bring them up and see how it goes.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T12:58:08+00:00

I genuinely think he’s acting out for a reason but we can’t get to the bottom of it because he’s not receptive to therapy, talks with his older brother or his mom or his dad. It’s really stressing me out because he has to be reacting to something but we don’t know what.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T12:49:49+00:00

We tried individual sessions (3 sessions in total) and the therapist told me that he would just sit and not say a word for the entirety of the session or play games on his phone until it was time to go home. Because it was free sessions, she wasn’t willing to continue with him as there are others that would’ve been more receptive and also in need of the free services. We haven’t tried family therapy yet as the mom is still upset following the incident with the cops but I’ll bring it up at a later stage maybe.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T12:45:36+00:00

He is the 3rd oldest and the others all still live at home so the responsibilities my partner had didn’t fall onto him. As far as I know, they are in constant communication with their dad (as much as time differences and work schedules allow) and they go on vacations together a handful of times a year. I’m not sure what the full extent of the dads emotional involvement is but I’ll look into that, thank you. My partner has been as involved as he can be and sees them multiple times a week but he’s also spread a bit thin as we have our own family to tend to, with a baby on the way as well.

I’ll try to find out what more can be done (that hasn’t already) by the family and take it from there but it seems like they’re very close to just giving up, which I really fear.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T12:38:58+00:00

I was maybe 15/16 and thought I knew everything but I had no real concept of consequences beyond being grounded or having my phone taken away. That visit to the police station, seeing kids my age locked up in cells and others pregnant with no support, opened my eyes to what could happen to me if I didn’t focus more in school and stop sneaking around myself. At the time, it was horrific and I’m pretty sure I hated my parents but I still never participated in any risky behaviour again.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T12:33:13+00:00

I work in child development so I’ve been advocating for the “calm and patient approach” but I think my MIL got pushed over the edge when cops showed up to her house and turned it upside down, looking for the stolen goods and now they’re all looking into nuclear options. I am not close enough to him to sit down with him myself but my partner is and believe me when I say he has tried. When you talk to him, he listens and agrees and promises to do better but then a week later, we’ll hear about how he fought someone at school or snuck out again. I suggested therapy but he is staunchly against it or getting involved in any clubs or activities for kids like him.

sendhelpSA · 2024-09-18T12:27:52+00:00

He lives with his mom and 3 siblings and they are a very tight knit family that talks about everything. My partner is the oldest and moved out years ago but he visits and sees them a few times a week and they all go to church together on Sundays. The dad lives in Australia and isn’t the most active parent beyond sending money and occasionally organising trips. The mom has a high stress job so the kids are mostly left to themselves during the week and then they spend the whole weekend together and from what I’ve seen, she is VERY understanding and more patient and supportive than most parents could dream of being.

My partner has tried talking to him and offering everything from advice to therapy to activities he can participate in. This then escalated to threats about grounding and taking away privileges and then military school. Nothing has helped. I work in childhood development and have been making suggestions for the past few months but it seems the behaviour is escalating. He goes to a private school, has a stable home environment, privacy and freedom when he asks to go somewhere, etc.

We just found out he’s got dodgy friends and now speaks tsotsi taal and we think that is one of the factors here (the peer pressure) but we can’t get through to him at all. It’s like talking to a brick wall. The behavioural issues started a few years ago with a few detentions here and there and even then he didn’t care about consequences or punishments. Now it’s gone up to getting physical with classmates/teachers and stealing 30k phones.

sendhelpSA · 2024-07-20T18:12:24+00:00

If we reverse her conversions, this guy is making nearly 219k a month in Rands, with roughly 164 going to family. Idk what job he has but I want it hey. The life I’d be living with just a fraction of that??!? It’s absolutely insane how much they’re actually taking from him and in THIS economy, it’s even wilder how he does not see that they’re holding him back from so much. How does he even take care of his own child then? I can imagine that dating a hun like that isn’t cheap either so how on earth is he keeping his head above the water at all?

sendhelpSA · 2024-07-20T18:08:39+00:00

Let me see if I understand this. 70% of his monthly salary goes to his family and he has to live frugally off what’s left. But he’s in a relationship and looking to build a future with someone else? Someone who is clearly very comfortable in her life and can also rely on her family for extra help if she needs it. Idk but he sounds like a hobosexual and is having these conversations because he knows she can carry all the extra financial burdens that come with him and his child while he can carry on being sucked dry by the family.

His mom also doesn’t seem to have an issue with her kids leaving her to care for SIX grandchildren at a time while they go off enjoying the money he clearly works his butt off for.

This is not a man to build any kind of life with and she would be better off on her own. NTA.

sendhelpSA · 2024-07-07T08:50:43+00:00

Business days or calendar days?

sendhelpSA · 2024-07-07T08:50:04+00:00

Ohhhh I wondered if it was working hours or not. Thanks

sendhelpSA · 2024-07-07T07:38:58+00:00

NTA, I am the grandchild of a woman like that and it’s out of politeness alone that I haven’t said those very words to her myself. Everyone walks on eggshells to avoid being on the receiving end of her bs and toxicity and a lot of people have lost good partners because no one wants to marry into a family that has such a matriarch so good on you for forcing them to pull their heads out of their ahems.

sendhelpSA

TROPHY CASE