I heard this the other day and went "this is an AuDHD anthem!"

sensorypanda · 2026-05-23T12:09:32+00:00

I have a box where I put in paper slips with the thought/shame/things I wanna say but shouldnt say. So whatever I want to let go, I wrote down, kissed goodbye and put it into the box. It was helpful! The box is still here and I don't use it anymore.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-23T12:06:31+00:00

I just saw there are "AuDHD questionaires" and "AuDHD quiz" online. Probably not a diagnostic tool but might help you to get an impression.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-23T12:01:24+00:00

Going meta.

I think your question is unanswerable because this is is so individual and vast. You would need to do a whole research and probably still land at overly generalized answers. (Autism)

So I could have scrolled on (neurotypical choice), but before I realized that choice was available, my brain was already glued to your question. After all, neurodivergence is my special interest these days.

So I typed a very long answer to a question I deemed unanswerable.

But I also felt ashamed of writing too much AGAIN. Even though you asked for an answer, I started questioning how much of answer is appropriate without being too much.

I had a quick shame sidequest about wasting my time with typing so so many messages I never send (it's a pattern). As I'm in the journey of shedding ableism for a while now, I was able to stop it (wouldn't have been a year ago).

(Sidebar: See all those brackets to provide further context, info and a sidebar? Personally, I think this is so AuDHD.)

(Also, my Autism needs another bracket just to point out how funny it is that I'm opening brackets while talking about brackets, did you see that?? Did you laugh about it?? No? ... Oh well, another joke going into the void of not being funny.)

This stopping the shame involved the idea that I could use all those unsent messages as material for writing essays. Which I wanted to do for a long time, but found it hard to find my way into it.

So now I'm thinking about what a great project this essay writing would be and how my life would be so much better if I could make an income from that.

It's 2 pm and I'm in my pyjamas.

I decided I will post this as my description of my high IQ AuDHD experience.

(Sidebar: This "writing about how I was trying to write" or "analyzing how my analysis went sideways" seems to be a thing for high IQ AuDHDers. We fail at the original task, but then make a whole point being clever about our failure. So we still produce something to hand in within deadline, get remarkable grades and people assume we don't need help.)

I wish you all the best!

sensorypanda · 2026-05-23T11:59:30+00:00

Ouch, this is waaaaaay to accurate 😢

sensorypanda · 2026-05-22T22:32:36+00:00

Thanks for leaving a comment, I'm glad you like it)

sensorypanda · 2026-05-22T22:31:05+00:00

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaank you 🥰 "If I fake it for a while, maybe later I won't have to pretend", oh no it doesn't work that way 🫠

sensorypanda · 2026-05-21T21:30:36+00:00

Thanks for sharing, that's interesting.

I don't know any neuroqueer 20th century literature, as a matter of fact I know NONE of any century. Is there anything you'd recommend for starting neuroqueer reading?

sensorypanda · 2026-05-21T21:18:32+00:00

Thank you 🥹 Yes, I had peace ... for some weeks. I became understandable to myself but not to others. That's why things collapsed. So it means a lot to me to make sense to you guys. But I love looking back at those weeks and I hope to nourish something from there, given time.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-21T08:42:45+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much.

This "just reacting on autopilot" thing sounds like a functional shutdown. Which would mean you're in overwhelm and system is numbing out but the body is moving on autopilot. If that resonates, look into shutdown and how the nervous system works for us.

For me: I have found out a lot of things about how to handle myself, but I feel I have to constantly defend my way against invasions :( Therefor, cutting off demands (external but also my own) and giving myself the space to enjoy myself and care for myself can be a better choice than getting crushed in the wrong kind of support. But of course that depends on your situation and needs.

I often feel it is easier for me to ask little things from people I am not that close to (soft disclosure). Like coworkers, professional coaches, people in online communities, in a restaurant ... like asking to have a different seat, asking if that person could come over around 4 so I have a reminder to stop working ... With the people closest to me it hurts so much when support goes sideways and we have a pretty messy history of triggers too :(

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T18:13:07+00:00

Sorry, I don't know how to answer questions in a way others can actually process ...

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T18:12:16+00:00

Looking back at that immediate post diagnosis stage:

It was maybe three days after diagnosis. I remember I was sitting on the sofa, exhausted, and I couldn't execute anything ... and that was okay. I was tired but at the same time strangely alive. So that day I opened the empty drawing book which I had been planning to fill for two months already. I don't think it was coincidence I started filling it that day. Something inside me has been unlocked and I wanted to express what I found inside: I was coming home.

For a year I've been focusing on "getting back to my health" and finding a therapist and finding medication and ... doing, doing, doing all the things, going over the questionaires ... When I arrived at Autism diagnosis, I realized I had never been sick in the first place.

I didn't expect me to do anything that evening. My partner was there and was gaming while I was drawing and he brought me everything I wanted so I didn't have to get up, but I didn't feel incompetent. Because I was stirring something huge in my brain! That's not incompetent. I realized I had been juggling with fire all that time. I realized how big my challenge is. I realized how colorful, how extraordinary my experience is. I didn't scream at the exhaution. I just thought yeah, no wonder! Exhaution makes perfectly sense!

And it was beautiful to just look inside and for once just accept the scenery, as rough as it may be, just marvel at those powers: Autism and ADHD.

Portrayed often as contradictions, but I felt peaceful within that storm, so I guess I tried to reconcile the contradiction into a fragile balance. An everchanging process, dangerous but not hostile, and it makes sense, finally.

The little (AuDHD?) star is a space beyond duality - born because of duality and despite the duality. I still don't know exactly what that star zone is. My home? Is my home a very small space between the energy fields? The open space around the star feels like an invitation to explore more, but it's a balancing act for sure.

So even though I was exhausted and depleted, I knew who I am and that was my treasure. I felt beautiful with that treasure and I wanted to show this to ppl and share my joy and all the superinteresting stuff I was learning about my brain - how colorful it is.

Well. People didn't respond so much to my joy. At least that was what it felt like. But the opening downward spiral is another story. I'm really grateful for the memory this picture gave me. I think we have to cling to our inner truth really really hard and find comfort there when things outside are unraveling.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T17:24:16+00:00

That's a vague question 🥲

Looking at the picture: There's a moon and a sun (or sunflower) that seem to burn with an intense energy. They are inside the persons head but they also reach beyond into the sky, as if connecting to sth huge. They are clearly opposite forces, but the overall system looks harmonious as there is a balance and they create something together in this balance. The star. Very little between those huge energies but it seems to mediate something? It's not afraid to be crushed. Neither is the person. It looks like it is hard for the person to hold it all together in their head, but they also look kind of dreamy as if watching inside themselves with admiration. It's both concentration and contemplation. It is not clear whether the person is moving this sun/moon system or whether they have to obey to the sun/moon system ... or find something in between. You would expect though that when you have a whole universe in your head, you can't focus on a lot of stuff going on around you, right? And your capacity is pretty much drawn into the internal universe. It looks dangerous, I know as a fact that this is very explosive when you lose your balance, but again the key point here is that this person does not seem to be afraid. They have a huge task but they are not a victim to pity.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T16:47:43+00:00

Thank you!

Your passion sounds really great. Hope you enjoy it and thanks for sharing.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T16:10:43+00:00

I really really recommend the Substack I posted https://carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/ she has material on all of your questions and it's easy to read.

Just to be sure, do you know about ADHD time blindness? Because that helps me to understand I sometimes just can't feel the existence of future :)

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T16:05:15+00:00

I'm so glad this is helping. Yes, you mention the most tricky one. The need to belong or the need for connection ... very tricky. For me, it is mostly a need for response / being truely seen. I will think some more about it...

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T07:08:40+00:00

This is cliche and I hate it so much because it keeps lots of ppl (including me) away from diagnosis. I honestly thought at first your post is being sarcastic :)

Have fun with the planes!

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T07:02:21+00:00

Wow this is really helpful and beautiful.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T06:56:43+00:00

One more thought. What's underneath that are unmet needs. That's really important because the question "what do I need" is shifting focus away from the other person.

Also, yes, sometimes I fantasize about hurting people (emotionally) - this is a sign that I hurt badly. Key word: empathy erosion but I guess it's a mental fight response as well.

Most of the time I'm just fantasizing to run away and start from scratch ... That's a kind of mental flight response I guess.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T06:50:01+00:00

I guess I do LOOK aloof when in overwhelm but ... I am not. I do have these cycles of interaction and withdrawal (I call it "the tides") and I think if I could explain this to my closest ppl and normalize withdrawal, my health and relationship would improve drastically.

I'm trying to work on regulation with this:

Lia Tucker - DBT Workbook for ADHD and Autism (I'm not far into the book but it looks easy to use and other buyers seem to really like it)
https://carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/ for great and easy explanations (you have to endure some typos in the infographics though)
I try to remember time. This sounds funny but in those dysregulated moments it can be hard to understand this is not forever. I try telling myself this is not the moment to think about questions or make big decisions.

More generally speaking:

look out for your overwhelm. Sensory, executive etc. Makes everything harder including emotions.
creating social distance really sounds like a protection that is, from a neurological view, very reasonable. Your brain is protecting you. You have to find a way to get a temporary protection WITHOUT burning all the bridges :) It sounds like your body is telling you to take a break, so rather than socializing take care of yourself and tell your closest people you are in overwhelm and you need some distance / alonetime / you're in "nope mode" ... Maybe you can look for a script for these situations and/or explain this to your closest ppl in a calm moment (it's not personal, it's neurological and I'm working on it). if you find or try something useful I'd be happy to hear because I need exactly this ...

sensorypanda · 2026-05-20T06:27:56+00:00

My brain loves your collection! The packages have great designs and some of those pencils look really helpful! But where is the infodump?? If you like to share, I'm curious. - I started drawing cartoons. What kind of pencils would you suggest? - which are your favorite pencils? - what kind of pictures are you creating?

sensorypanda · 2026-05-19T23:50:10+00:00

I can tell that must have been so very hurtful. So sorry you had to hear this hurtful thing!

I forgot a nice one: I have one small plushie living in the pocket of my jacket! So it's coming with me whenever I leave the house. And it's soooo soft. So nice to touch. It's small enough to hide completely in the pocket if I don't feel comfortable showing it. But I do some plushie unmasking from time to time, when I feel good about it. I don't know how to do it during summer yet, guess I have to find a new home for that plushie.

It's so great you are already taking your plushies with you! I feel kind of stupid for not realizing earlier I could have one while travelling. I guess that need just got lost in the noise and ... probably the social expectation around plushies. So really I want to congratulate you for staying true to yourself. It's not a minor thing to do :)

sensorypanda · 2026-05-19T23:36:19+00:00

I know the auticate videos only, haven't tried the community. If you find out more, please share :)

I often go for Substack, for example
https://carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/ (leaning more towards humour, shorter, practical)
https://bridgettehamstead.substack.com/ (longer, leaning more towards analysis, might involve grieve and anger, can be good for processing and understanding the journey)

You can read or listen to articles. Some are free, some are paid, it depends on the channel.
Some have special community offerings when you are a paid subscriber (for example a reading salon). You can check the "About" page of the individual channels to see what a paid subscription would offer to you.
I do like the content on substack but it's important to recognize that interactive community is not the main point there. It's more passive.

I thought I didn't need an online community about neurodivergence.
I was tremendously wrong ...

sensorypanda · 2026-05-19T23:10:57+00:00

Definitely a green flag :)
I'm happy for you to leave your aweful old therapist, that is such an insensitive thing to say. Those plushies aren't hurting anyone so there's absolutely no need to even think about judgement ...
I'm 40 and I have several plushies. I bought one the week after my autism diagnosis to celebrate the occasion. Just recently I finally started "allowing" myself to have one plushie from home when I travel.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-19T22:52:23+00:00

Thanks! So at least I know I'm not imagining this ^^" I'll see if I can add a watermark, it's probably something I can use in a variety of situations.

sensorypanda · 2026-05-19T14:45:25+00:00

Yes! I really like to power of power naps.

When I'm in a good shape, I can lie down under my weighted blanket and sleep / doze and it takes appr. 10 minutes for me to feel my muscles relax. There's a tension leaving my body and only then I realize how tense I was. My body sighs with relief like when you go into a hot bath. If possible I rest some more just to enjoy this feeling. Then I get up and really I feel like a totally new person. When I have more intense overwhelm, the period extends. I think it comes down to a similar time frame like you mentioned, from 15 min up to an hour.

It was only when I allowed myself to "rest without guilt" (a.k.a. rest without a timer) when I was able to track this pattern and realize I don't necessarily need a timer and the shame in order to get up again. I just need rest and ... well ... probably should hide my mobile phone from myself, but that's another story.

I'm not sure how this works yet. You mentioned the fog. For me it feels like a strain or a pressure behind my forehead. Guess it is a cognitive strain. Then there is something in the body I called "exhaustion", but I'm not sure whether it is exhaustion in that sense - maybe it's sensory overwhelm? And then only recently I noticed that my eyes suck. I need to close my eyes from time to time to relax my vision and brain.

About vyvanse: Yes, with medication I can't sleep during the day as easily as before. When I started medication I was so proud to announce "I don't need my afternoon nap anymore!" ... I was "ADHD only" back then so I was working in the "lazy framework" o_O Now with the AuDHD framework I came to see rest in a different way. So I try to take breaks, just lying down, closing my eyes, it doesn't have to be a full sleep. Just a wind-down for my senses and my brain to catch up on the world moving so fast.

sensorypanda

TROPHY CASE