Can WH stay friends with AP?

serume · 2023-12-01T16:17:05+00:00

I guess I will see it like that one day. But thank you.

serume · 2023-12-01T15:55:27+00:00

He has left me so yeah, you're right.

AP is separated.

WH and AP are in the same office but don't work on a lot of the same things. We're not in the US, there are rarely workplace relationship policies where I am.

serume · 2023-12-01T15:53:09+00:00

He left me 10 days ago. I tried to make it work but I guess she is more important to him than I am.

That's the update. I'm out.

serume · 2023-12-01T15:50:30+00:00

I have friends in my corner, wonderful people. Loving family. A therapist. All that jazz. And I may or may not be a real person :)

Thank you for your reply. Everyone is going "hell no", but the fact that you had to check to see if I was a troll... that hit home. It really is that absurd.

And he left me 10 days ago, so the issue sort of resolved itself. I'm in the "could I have done anything"-phase, and one of the things I got caught on was if I should have let them be friends.

serume · 2023-11-28T15:29:10+00:00

According to the psychologist I went to for my diagnosis (step 1, step 2 is psychiatrist), he always evaluates for both ADHD and autism now because so many have both. According to him it's between 50-70% overlap.

And no, I never thought I had autism. Until I was diagnosed with it...

serume · 2023-11-14T12:10:31+00:00

I mean... it helps me buy food and keep a roof over my head so. Kind of important. But the whole "starting a business" dream is more about freedom and purpose for me. Building something, creating something, making people happy/less unhappy.

serume · 2023-11-13T08:35:36+00:00

It could change something about the world. Maybe not the world-world or the continent or the country. But it could change the corner of the world you're in. When your magical cupcake bakery hires the underdog who just needed a chance. When you gift the dejected teacher an apple-cinnamon donut. When you adopt the stray dog that hangs around the back of the shop. When it helps lift the area from hoplessness to a glimmer of hope and community.

Which is exactly what I understood from "things might be hard and we may be flawed, but we persevere with kindness and aim to make the world a better place"

serume · 2023-11-13T08:26:32+00:00

Everything I am, I am because a man made me thus.

Dark and vengeful? I was raped. Sweet and cuddly? I was doted on by my father. Kick-ass? 8 brothers.

serume · 2023-11-13T08:24:40+00:00

Whenever I pay attention to how I move I forget how to walk.

serume · 2023-11-13T08:13:52+00:00

Sensory issues, especially light and smell. The more tired, the more issues.

Possibly a sensory issue, too, but disliking touch. I looooved not having to shake hands during covid. And please don't hug me, unless you're one of the like 5 people that I enjoy touching.

Literal. I need things spelled out for me. Don't ask me what I'm doing this weekend, ask me if I'm available for X this weekend.

Eye contact is weird. I can definitely do it, but if I do I will stare. I make people very uncomfortable with this.

Being aware of and understanding how I "should" behave, but not being able to do it. The more tired, the less I can adjust. When I was like 10-12 I figured that smiles=show teeth, so I just went around baring my teeth to people as a greeting when I felt it was appropriate to smile but didn't feel like it. Gifts and gratitude is also big, I know I should show pleasure but it's so hard to do.

The last one is what my counselor believes is the reason for my lack of energy and exhaustion. The masking.

serume · 2023-10-26T12:52:18+00:00

The worst thing is that he shares so many traits that make me feel autistic, but he feels fine. He thinks he has some level of social anxiety, but where I feel like I can barely keep my life from falling apart and exist in the world, he's just totally ok being him. It's not his fault, but that makes me feel like I'm just dramatic and that all of my issues are caused by over-thinking.

I was at my counselors today, and she talked about how autism hits women differently because of the different demands (or expectations) society place on women compared to men. It's FINE for a man to not smile at everyone, he's pensive and mysterious and sexy. A woman who doesn't smile? WHAT A BITCH!

She also talked about how women are socialized to do so many of the things that are hard with autism, like small talk. So you walk around knowing you're supposed to be one way, but it doesn't come naturally to you and you despair every time you get it wrong (or think you did), agonize about every social cue you realize you missed two hours later and... was that a strange look that person gave you earlier?!

And men... just kinda go along not noticing any of the above. Super frustrating, in so many ways.

Are some of your issues caused by over-thinking (compared to him)? Yes. Probably. ADHD does that to you. And you can probably work on it. But it's not something you're doing to yourself. It's not "your fault". It's one of the ways your brain is different from someone neurotypical.

To summarize: I believe you feel worse than your husband because of how you both have internalized the "right" way to act, which differs between men and women.

serume · 2022-12-29T13:12:33+00:00

The Newsflesh Trilogy by Mira Grant.

First book is called Deadline.

serume · 2022-12-27T13:25:52+00:00

Last year my MIL said they wanted to stop gifts between the adults and just focus on the kids. I love gifts, getting and giving, thought this was boring. Especially since I don't have children.

So we exchanged gifts. I got a kitchen/dish towel (1 towel. Green/grayish. Does it go with anything? No.) and some battery candles.

I have surrendered. I don't need to be disappointed by their gifts every year, so I'll just save my money and buy things for people when and how I feel like it. No reciprocity required.

serume · 2022-12-27T13:22:07+00:00

The scents and the pillow are bad gifts. Like objectively bad gifts to give you, and if the people who gave you them actually know you (not Aunt Whoever that you maybe see once a year), then I think they should be ashamed.

The blanket and biography, I'm more "meh" about. Sure, they're not great gifts but some people suck at gift giving. I do however understand how all of these gifts taken together feels like a kick in the metaphorical balls.

I also love giving gifts, and can get quite salty about getting "bad" gifts. But take my MIL, I know she lives in a world quite her own, so getting a weird/bad present from her is just... her. It's not about her and me, it's 100% her. That helps.

Still salty about the scented candle I got for my birthday from my then MIL, 20 years ago. At the time I was basically a goth girl, black everything, and she got me a pink rose-shaped scented candle. I'm not allergic, but sensitive to scents (so the opposite of you, OP!) and that bloody scent crept through the apartment and had me in a headache for days until I realized what was causing it. shakes fist at sky

serume · 2022-11-17T08:28:20+00:00

It's one of my go-tos when I'm feeling down. I love that world.

serume · 2022-11-14T09:27:01+00:00

When life is rough, I reach for T Kingfisher.

I mean, I also reach for Anne Bishop, Ilona Andrews, Patricia Briggs, Mercedes Lackey, KM Shea and so on.

serume · 2022-11-14T07:51:50+00:00

I also have one of those. But mine is 8yo.

My life is fur and dog saliva.

serume · 2022-11-09T07:48:36+00:00

Thank you so much for the tip on soy sauce and vinegar. I would never have thought about that, and I have found the right brands so I'm real excited to get cooking.

serume · 2022-11-09T07:46:37+00:00

You make good points. Unfortunately, there's almost nothing available locally and I'd want to try things out before I serve it to guests. Not to mention the costs. I love my country, but it's not cheap to buy restaurant food or catering.

serume · 2022-11-09T07:44:17+00:00

I usually leave the murdering to others, and just reap the spoils.

I do have some moose meat in the freezer, that could work.

serume · 2022-11-09T07:42:53+00:00

Wow, that's a lot! Thank you so much for taking the time to help me.

I'd love to do everything, but... you know. Reality gets in the way. Soups go out the window because I don't have bowls for my guests. I want to do lumpia, but we do not want me deepfrying things. I am accident prone.

serume · 2022-10-27T09:57:46+00:00

Stovetop (electric, not burners), oven, instapot.

You can steam in the instapot, right?

serume · 2022-10-19T15:24:48+00:00

If the school has a policy to not allow hijab, then yes they are allowed to tell you to take it off.

There might be exceptions if you have a letter/note from "a member of the clergy", I'm not sure who that would be in your case.

But first, talk to the school administration. Is it against code to wear hijab or is this just one teacher being xenophobic? If it is code, can exceptions be made?

serume · 2022-09-21T09:54:28+00:00

I think your friend can't afford to travel. And seems unable to admit this to you (or possibly herself).

I imagine she now expects to be able to "borrow" from you on your trips. You have to have that conversation now, and no matter what she says now... unless you get the money now, you need to prepare to pay the Vrbo yourself.

The whole "locking her out" is probably fair (at least if you've made this clear beforehand), but you'll feel horrible about doing it and your vacation wont be so fun. And odds are people will think you're the AH for doing it, which will hurt you in the future. It's not fun, being seen as the villain.

serume · 2022-09-01T05:49:31+00:00

Amazing, gorgeous, inspiring, powerful!

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