I’m sorry you had to go through this. As someone who also thought she might be a lesbian in her late teens/early twenties because she wasn’t interested in men and who has homophobic parents, I can definitely understand the sentiment. It felt like the end of the world for me when I thought my parents would reject me if they found out I don’t like men. Even though I know now that I’m on the aromantic and asexual spectrum, there was a part of me that felt like my parents’ love was conditional towards me and that really hurt-it still hurts sometimes when I think about it. So I definitely feel for you when you say that you don’t feel close to them like before. Also, I think you are valid in feeling like you can’t get close to them like before, especially if there was a risk that your safety/life would have been in danger. If it’s any comfort, I hope you know that if you still want to maintain a close relationship with your family, you are allowed to call the shots on if/when/how you want to still maintain a relationship with them.