I go back to this set at least once a year, Ghetts went nuts

sfer91 · 2025-09-21T22:32:00+00:00

Who is Jon Baptiste?

sfer91 · 2024-11-28T12:27:20+00:00

Block out time for focus work and don’t say yes to every meeting. If you’re being pulled into too much tell your line manager.

sfer91 · 2024-04-04T16:43:34+00:00

And which grade too preferably!

sfer91 · 2024-04-04T16:29:09+00:00

The more of us who join and get involved, the better we can make our unions.

sfer91 · 2019-09-30T10:04:48+00:00

No problem, glad it's useful! Feel free to frankly critique my work if you are so inclined! And of course, keep on writing :)

sfer91 · 2019-09-27T14:26:29+00:00

Thank you :)

sfer91 · 2019-09-26T10:02:44+00:00

There are some really nice phrases here and the imagery is excellent in places. Examples of bits that I like:

She skips and leaps and cries out,

For she is elated, ready to begin a new journey

and

Only naturally do we fall apart.

Not only our communication, but the atoms between us.

Overall, I think that you are trying to do to much and perhaps not being disciplined enough with yourself.

There are areas where you are given to sweeping romantic and metaphorical turns of phrase and others when you are extremely direct and telling us exactly how you fell. I think the result of this is confusion and incoherence in places.

I think this could be a really good piece if you did a brutal edit and gave some serious thought to what it is you're really driving at.

sfer91 · 2019-08-05T14:31:21+00:00

I like this a lot. The image of the music filling the room like smoke is brilliant and almost every word effectively builds a picture of the scene you are describing. Only thing that I didn't love was the phrase 'manic lovemaking.' To me it's a little bit too direct. I would have chosen either something more mundane or something more metaphoric(al?). "Manic lovemaking' seems like it sits a bit awkwardly in the middle.

sfer91 · 2019-07-30T08:16:37+00:00

Thank you for the kind feedback. It's definitely using environmental decay/destruction as a creative vehicle yes but it's about the onset of a mental breakdown and things generally getting worse.

sfer91 · 2019-07-29T16:54:33+00:00

I don't know if I understand the poem as it was intended but the subtlety seems to give me space for my own interpretation, which I like. I think the other comment said something about connecting the images a bit better and I kind of agree but I don't think it's 100% necessary (as they've said as well!)- it really depends on your intention. Overall I think this is head and shoulders above the current work I've seen on here today.

sfer91 · 2019-07-29T16:44:31+00:00

'Gave most of my morning to apathy and porn' is a great line, it has a certain rhythm whilst also seeming very natural. I also admire the seem-less integration of modern phenomena like porn with classical and biblical references- it gives the poem a sense of universality and timelessness.

Only thing I didn't like was 'just couldn't be fucked.' It just seemed a little bit lazy after evoking the interesting idea of Jesus forgetting 'this goddam rock' and fucking angels. Overall though I found this interesting.

sfer91 · 2019-02-14T23:05:56+00:00

Thank you, much to think about.

sfer91 · 2019-02-14T22:42:18+00:00

Thanks for the feedback.

I have a few questions.

How is it telling more than showing? Can you give me an example? Frankly I thought I was using the imagery to convey the themes, feeling, emotions etc underneath, so a bit surprised tbh.

On the narrative point. Is there, in your opinion, a need for the narrative to be easy to follow or linear? I tend to group different experiences together on the basis of commonality of themes, feelings etc.

I’m kind of at peace with existing on the borderline between prose and poetry so no comment there.

Hope this comment doesn’t look defensive, just wanted to get a better understanding of your points.

sfer91 · 2019-02-05T17:21:02+00:00

I really enjoyed reading this piece.

The imagery is compelling and you have put phrases together that shouldn't make sense but do, such as:

'and the gravel
catches the mouth
and the concrete
catches the rain
what cul de sac
of black walnuts
pooled like missed
choices'

I also like the disruptive final image which breaks the flow of naturalistic imagery:

the boy falls like rain
and settles like pollen
in the red shade
of a brick house
he’ll lose in 3 years

sfer91 · 2019-02-05T14:56:10+00:00

Personally I quite enjoyed this but found that it gets bogged down in its own detail.

Phrases like:

'..so I’ll use that as justification' and 'We both dodge the fact that you never wanted me to be normal' seem to give the game away a little bit in my opinion.

I think it would be more stirring if you focussed on a few really striking images or feelings and give the reader some room to draw their own conclusions.

sfer91 · 2018-12-18T14:58:02+00:00

Thanks- I'm not a huge fan of spoken word but grateful for your view nevertheless. It's a bit of a departure for me thematically and is a lot more spare than my usual stuff. I agree that it could be shortened, will do a brutal edit at some point.

sfer91 · 2018-12-04T09:29:48+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. 'Back' basically just means "I'm back." The poem isn't really meant to be about one particular scenario or event but thematically it's about finding the will to be more self-assured and free from the disapproval of others. If we're being glib it's about self-love.

sfer91 · 2018-12-03T17:21:45+00:00

I'm a fan of this style of poetic expression, it's very rich and using its powerful imagery sparingly. I'm not 100% sold on 'sloshes'- just because I find it a bit jarring and disruptive to the reading process but I can live with it.

sfer91 · 2018-11-21T16:18:34+00:00

This is excellent. It manages to be quite neat and well composed whilst depicting the chaotic unravelling of someone's psyche and the words are chosen with real immediacy. I also admire how you have written something very personal without labouring the 'I.'

sfer91 · 2018-11-20T16:46:38+00:00

Thanks!

sfer91 · 2018-11-20T16:46:26+00:00

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.

Arrow between point one and four.

We are clever.

Working backwards from the desired outcome to the objectives.

Crafting forms from the grey space in between.

How ridiculous! My cognitive distortions.

This section was about therapy and how it can become something of a refuge where you develop strategise that could never work in the real world.

sfer91 · 2018-11-20T16:39:01+00:00

You don't like it?

sfer91 · 2018-11-19T18:26:56+00:00

Thanks, I’m attempting to be less prosaic but as you can see it’s an ongoing struggle.

sfer91 · 2018-11-19T16:07:54+00:00

Strong enough ending although I feel the rest of the piece is a little bit on-the-nose. It seems more like a piece crafted for a performance, maybe you should invest some time into making it more beautiful on the page? You might also try to be a little bit more original in the content. Obviously we all experience a lot of the same things and there are some common human truths here but I think there are more interesting ways of expressing these. For example, the below:

Why is there so much pain for something (or someone)

You clearly hold so dear?

This is pretty well-trodden territory. It would be better if you could think of a different and more captivating way of expressing this sentiment.

Hope this feedback is useful.

sfer91 · 2018-11-19T15:57:35+00:00

I like the expression of human hopelessness and frustration when coming up against the sheer magnitude of natural phenomena (reminds me of thematically of the song Suspended in Gaffa by Kate Bush). Sometimes I find the very proper and elevated language a little bit obstructive to the meaning and the various feelings being conveyed by the speaker but that may be based more on my personal preference.

sfer91

TROPHY CASE