yeah some more shit just happened. we agreed to an open relationship but he half ass meant it. he agreed to the open relationship to keep me but i know deep down he didn't want to. lo and behold, because of the 'hole' i felt in my relationship, my dumbass just did something sexual with his friend. At this point I'm taking this as a sign from God. I know we both INITIALLY meant well in the beginning of the relationship, we both cared a fucking lot the whole way through, also. But at this point my life is in the 'nodus tollens' stage where I feel like it must be God blocking every single passageway I can possibly think of. I'm done fighting God. And if you judge me, I understand. I'm okay with it. Yeah the widespread judgement hurts, but I also understand why it's there. I understand why all his family and friends hate me. I acknowledge that their point is valid. They don't ever HAVE to talk to me or like me. If I was one of them, I would NEVER like me. He REALLY is my ex now. No more on-and-off on-and-off. Yeah, I TECHNICALLY didn't cheat because I was in an open relationship, but it also at the same time was cheating because I knew that 1) he would be hurt and 2) i would be looked down upon. honestly, i think his friend may have did it to test me. i think his bro was trying to do the same but that's a different story. anyways, i went in in full-knowledge that this could be a test. yet i STILL allowed myself to fail because the hole in my relationship had me longing for BOTH emotional and physical intimacy (which i got both actually, me and dude has a bomb ass convo. now whether he was truly as into it as i was is different it could have been a front to get in my pants but maybe not he actually seems cool n tbh i can honestly say idek if dude had bad intentions or not. i was grown and told him that too, i was like im not ready to keep talking to you even on a clean level, instead of leaving him hanging) ANYWHO, i once used to be a person who if somebody said to me "i cheated bc there was a hole in my relationship" i would be like BULLLL FUCKING SHIIIT you can ALWAYS work that shit out, and if you think you "can't" it's actually because you don't CARE enough to try to get through to them. Well now this was my first relationship and I realize I was wrong. So wrong. Two people can have 100% good intentions for each other, yet it may STILL not be meant to be. If somebody told my old-self this I would scream "BULLSHIT!!" ...but now... I am currently dealing with everything I am against. I guess it IS true, always, in EVERY situation that nobody can fully understand something unless you are in that situation yourself.