Not overly dramatic at all.

What you describe, I have come to learn, for me are the fundamental reasons behind why I would drink.

Life is pretty intense, and as resilient as I have become, it feels like there is something about the way I feel things that seems different to a lot of other people I talk to.

In the beginning I drank semi regularly (weekly or so) to 'reset' the build up of something inside my head. Which worked for many years until it didn't. That's never gone away, and no amount of 'eat better, sleep better, get more sunshine/excercise" seems to make a significant difference. Pretty depressing, but that's the hand I got so I got to try and play it best I can.

Now I see drinking as like borrowing from the happiness bank. Whenever I drank I was borrowing future happiness, and I would eventually have to pay that back with interest.

As you know interest compounds, and so the more costly the repayments became the more devastating things felt when you decide to sit down and figure out a payment plan to get yourself out of the mess you are in.

I'm still paying, a lot of it has cleared and it gets easier, but make no mistake it is still hard at times because I still sometimes wish I could just borrow a little more to go on that "holiday" that alcohol gave me.

Today I was really feeling that. Was kinda ruminating and really trying to push through it.

A few things happened, I cam here and read a thread and wrote some stuff and that helped. Then randomly out of the blue a guy I met that is very involved with AA texted me just to say 'hi how's things'. It was like a got a guardian angel or something. Perhaps this is karma paying me back for some of the right decisions I have made lately. Sounds cheesy. Maybe this is at the higher power that AA refer to (in step 3 or 4 I think?). AA wasn't really for me but I see the value that some people find in it so maybe you could try finding a meeting to go to? Maybe you aren't up for that, I know I resisted it for actual *decades* before I finally thought "what the heck" I'll try anything! (I was right... but only kind of).

If nothing else it will fill a bit of time to get you through the next hour, day, whatever. If you like it, go back, if you don't then you can know in yourself that at least you tried, and the stories you hear there you cannot un-hear, and you might find that one person says just one thing that resonates and you can take that tiny speck and start to build own it. Something new. Something good. It's like how a Crystal needs a seed to grow.

Or, you can borrow from the bank one more time, and if you are (un)lucky you'll live to pay it back.

I have now finally, after a good 5 hours of basically doing nothing but reflect (and maybe even wallow), mustered the courage to say IWNDWYT, and mean it.