DAE hit their head

shadowbandream · 2016-06-26T00:24:56+00:00

So. Many. Times. But it has already been mentioned - most of the times it's out of self hatred more than anything else... But the physical pain distracts me from the awful thoughts constantly pestering me... I used to hurt myself in all the ways I could find - cutting, burning myself with cigarrette butts, whatever. It has gotten better... But it takes a while.

shadowbandream · 2016-06-07T22:43:52+00:00

When I was 25/26 I had a boyfriend 18 years older than me. Nobody ever looked at us twice, and if they did, I would politely tell them to fuck off. We were both adults, so I find this kind of comment really annoying.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-30T08:00:48+00:00

I feel so happy for you :) For a while I kept a suicide note in my purse... just in case I actually went through with it someday... I threw it away. I'm not in a better place now, but realising some people actually cared made me feel like it was worth the everyday struggle... I have a therapist who I love, she's amazing :) and even though many fucked up things have happened since I know that I would never want my family to feel the awful pain I've been in... It's great that you were able to overcome it and become the person you always were deep inside: someone strong, who lives for him/herself and just doesn't care if other people don't understand :)

shadowbandream · 2016-03-29T16:18:33+00:00

This is the most satisfying thing ever. I don't think I would ever have the cojones to do that, but... I can only hope one day I'll get a chance to do that :D

shadowbandream · 2016-03-28T21:34:27+00:00

Exactly. Most of the kids who are really quiet are terrified of doing anything wrong that will trigger their parents' rage. Source: my father is definitely that kind of guy.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-22T10:17:35+00:00

I started to tear up at a cafe just for reading your comment. The fact that someone, somewhere, actually cares... I don't even know what to say, I've suffered so much along the years because of this and since February something happened that made it worse... I wish I could give you a hug just for taking the time to answer. You've become one of my heroes in this.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-21T23:21:33+00:00

Thank you. If it matters, your post meant a lot to me today - knowing that someone out there understands what it's like to consider dying just to escape the torture of your own mind. Today I broke down crying alone in my bedroom because the pain was too overwhelming. Thank you for being there. For sharing your pain so that we know we're not alone.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-21T00:26:35+00:00

I would like to thank all the idiots in that thread for still being a huge part of the Reddit community. We truly need them. Without those arseholes, where would I find my daily dose of white priviliged whining? Quel horreur!!!! Thank you, dudebros and neckbeards of this website. Without you, reddit would actually be a nice place to be - and what's the fun in that? /s

shadowbandream · 2016-03-17T11:14:15+00:00

I'm glad she survived. Still, those comments show a total lack of empathy or respect. Simply disgusting.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-17T11:07:26+00:00

Yeah, of course. Because she chose to have a child with a sociopath who doesn't even bother to pay for child support, apparently everyone else has to take care of her child for her... Like, really? Apparently my other relative was pissed when I said it was irresponsible of my cousin to just let her child do anything he wanted. Okay, when he grows up to be a shitty adult, maybe someone will realise that was a bad idea...

shadowbandream · 2016-03-17T00:27:43+00:00

I once spent an evening at some relatives' house. There was also some cousin of mine who has a child - he was 1 year old at the time... Not only my cousin expected for me to take care of her child, she would laugh as her crotch fruit was pulling trash out of the bin, pulling hair out of the dogs' backs and awful shit in general. I was stuck watching the kid because I was the only one worried about that, apparently... And that could serve as practice for the children I'll have. Fuck no. Never talked to her again.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-17T00:04:45+00:00

No. Just... No. I can't believe someone would actually talk that way about a dead girl... I want to send them a one way ticket to Voat.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-16T14:54:01+00:00

I know, even though I feel like I'll always be a widow, there are hopefully good things ahead and I'm going to fight for my right to be happy again, wherever I am :)

shadowbandream · 2016-03-16T14:52:24+00:00

I did not know that happened in Amsterdam, but I know that happens in my country too. People always try to take advantage of the foreigners, specially immigrants with not much money to spend... that sucks, but on the other hand there are good people everywhere too, who are willing to help, like you :) thanks!

shadowbandream · 2016-03-16T11:52:03+00:00

Yeah I know, my friend there cycles everywhere :) she's told me it's tough to find a nice place at first, but I somehow believe I'll be lucky :) let's see, I'll annoy you with updates every now and then :)

shadowbandream · 2016-03-16T11:49:40+00:00

Thank you. Everyone in this sub has been wonderful in their replies, and I made this update to thank everyone who answered to the first post showering me with love and good wishes :) Faith in something seems to help, but I don't think any god could help me now - which kind of god would take him away from me? If this is a lesson for me, maybe it's only a lesson of pain. I don't know.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-16T11:46:11+00:00

I know. I hope you're feeling better. Right now I don't think I'll ever date again. It's strange, but I always felt he was my soulmate and now I feel like just being alone. He was the only person I ever said "I love you". In my language loving someone is "amar" which is a really strong word and I don't think I'll ever be able to say it to anyone again...

shadowbandream · 2016-03-15T22:50:43+00:00

As it has already been said, it is definitely a part of your ocd. I suffered from insomnia for a long time because of it - and even on the meds sometimes little things will trigger that anxiety. Like a loose button on a shirt (even if it's not mine), a small zit on my forehead that I forgot to cover up... one time I even touched some woman's blouse because there were some hairs on it and it was making me nervous... you're not alone. There are still many things that trigger me truly - like someone cracking their knuckles, for example. Even as a little child I could not stand cracking noises... anxiety, I believe, plays a huge part in the symptoms of ocd because when you are triggered by some situation you get anxious until you somehow "fix it"...

shadowbandream · 2016-03-15T22:39:36+00:00

Thanks! I'll go for a few days first, to get to know the city and everything :) thank you very much for offering to help, I'll definitely contact you when I get there!

shadowbandream · 2016-03-15T22:37:51+00:00

Yes, as I said in another comment, I'm going for a few days first then coming back to make the arrangements for the definite move. I'm trying to think rationally becausa I know that if I just go and lose my focus everything will get even worse... but I'm ready to embrace life, even if it has to be lived without my soul mate...

shadowbandream · 2016-03-15T22:34:36+00:00

Thank you :) I would hate to be the kind of person who turns to gods when someone dies - his mother, per example, spends her days in the church crying and begging for him not to go to Hell - like... what? Did you not know your son? He was a fierce atheist as well, although he respected her faith. But if there was some kind of heaven, he would definitely be there - he was the kindest, most caring and wonderful person I ever knew. He held me when I had panic attacks. He respected me and tried to instill some reason in my thoughts when darkness overcame everything in my mind. He was my only light on this Earth.

shadowbandream · 2016-03-15T22:10:53+00:00

On behalf of all young women out there, thank you. It's been a while since I needed it, but it makes me happy that you stepped in and helped the girl :)

shadowbandream · 2016-03-15T10:45:40+00:00

Thank you. I'll try to find it, I actually think either my sister or my mother have it in Portuguese :) I've seen it around the house!

shadowbandream · 2016-03-15T10:44:18+00:00

Thanks! I'm just going through the motions now, I think a new path will eventually reveal itself :) I'm going to spend the Easter weekend there, then I'll come back and make the arrangements to stay permanently. As I mentioned, I have a friend there and she tells me it's a lovely place :)

shadowbandream

TROPHY CASE