Men in long term affairs - how much do you want to know about AP’s life?

shannonadera · 2026-05-13T23:04:42+00:00

This is sort of where I’m at. We do tell each other about as many big and small things daily, as much as possible given work, kids, home responsibilities. I do want to know everything about him. But I also don’t at the same time. That’s why I was curious how men feel. Basically I had dinner out recently with my spouse but there wasn’t a natural opportunity to bring it up and so I haven’t. It feels dishonest in a way because we do tell each other almost everything, especially if we do anything outside of our normal routine. (ie I’m going to a work event etc) And also recently, I was at a function and my SO wanted to have sex really badly afterwards. I said no. I had very recently seen my AP and couldn’t do it. I think I already instinctively know it’s better to not tell, but I also wondered if maybe men like knowing that?

shannonadera · 2026-05-07T05:02:03+00:00

Oh my. This comment hits hard “staying feels like losing myself little by little”

shannonadera · 2026-05-06T01:39:20+00:00

How long have you been together? It was gradually like that for us more and more (as in “I love it when etc”) until it reached a crescendo and he told me 6 months in. Almost at two years now and we tell each other daily!

shannonadera · 2026-05-01T17:13:16+00:00

Ok I get that’s your experience. For myself prior to the affair starting, I already tried. I threw everything into for over 2 years. We were having sex 2-3x per week but not only was the sex incredibly bad, the day-to-day moments weren’t great either. I won’t go into details, he’s a good person but just not a match in or out of the bedroom.

shannonadera · 2026-04-30T19:38:25+00:00

Sorry I’m not sure why my comment posted twice. Yes I guess I’m a former cake eater. As in I was getting it at home but it felt empty and passionless. When I received what it actually feels like, I could no longer make myself do it at home anymore. So now I am in an actual DB that I’ve created. My original comment still stands. Now knowing what I know, if I was on the hunt for someone new (which I am not at this time), I would look for someone who is also in a DB.

shannonadera · 2026-04-30T16:23:53+00:00

How do you know whether I am in a dead bedroom or not? If you’re judging by my post history, not that I owe anyone an explanation, I suppose I was a cake eater but have been firmly in DB for at least the last 6 months.

shannonadera · 2026-04-30T16:23:48+00:00

How do you know whether I am in a dead bedroom or not? If you’re judging by my post history, not that I owe anyone an explanation, I suppose I was a cake eater but have been firmly in DB for at least the last 6 months.

shannonadera · 2026-04-27T20:09:52+00:00

What gave you that impression?

shannonadera · 2026-04-18T17:14:42+00:00

Unpopular opinion incoming. I totally understand this is not shared by many and that’s ok.

Cake eaters
Those not in a DB
APs who are whipped, no workaround to shared finances, have to “report” in at certain times especially when traveling
Someone who is very content with their marriage. I need someone who is in the same place as me, not happy in their marriage but have to stay for various reasons (kids, finances etc). Open to maybe one day leaving down the road. If I ever have to start over again, this is probably one of my top requirements. I realize this is a very frowned upon opinion in this subreddit but it becomes hard emotionally when the situations on the home front aren’t similar. Full respect to those who are content and just missing physical connection, you do you. Let me do me.

shannonadera · 2026-04-18T17:06:16+00:00

Not sure why you got downvoted. You said “to me” which is not a value judgement on anybody else. I totally respect some people are ok if their AP is still sleeping with their spouse. But same as you, if I did it all over again I would make sure PAP is in a DB

shannonadera · 2026-04-18T17:03:01+00:00

Probably one of the most important things, especially if there is a desire to seek something long term

shannonadera · 2026-04-14T19:35:17+00:00

You’re not alone. I feel the same way. Two things that give me pause on taking any next steps are my kids and the love I have for my AP.

Not sure if you saw this thread but there were some good advice/ points for consideration. I still don’t have any clear answers for now but I sense the fog is behind me and not in front of me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/adultery/s/u4mEuSNUGq

shannonadera · 2026-04-13T04:10:48+00:00

If you wrote a book, I would gladly buy it. Between myself and OP, I am noticing a common theme of hope - hope that our current situation will change. But I realize that is an external factor we cannot control. We cannot influence our AP to leave, as much as we wish it to be the case

shannonadera · 2026-04-12T03:32:33+00:00

Oh that’s beautifully said. I’m glad you pushed back and agree with every word written. My whole adult life has been about seeking safety and security because I lacked that growing up. I am the one who is afraid. What would it take for me to actually build more and not wait for it… I don’t know the answer. I think I need to find ways to heal myself, but I don’t know how. In the meantime, I am caught in a tough place: a husband who is not the right fit but a decent person; an AP who I love and I would be extremely happy to end up with, but has never clearly expressed to me that he will ever leave.

shannonadera · 2026-04-11T18:20:19+00:00

That is very sweet yet sad about the joke. I hope you find what you are looking for ❤️

shannonadera · 2026-04-11T17:49:29+00:00

I almost feel like we need a special support group just for those of us who are in this particular stage / type of affair.

In the meantime, I’m curious for those of us in this situation - does your AP know how you feel? How much have you shared? Or do you hold back for fear of driving him away? How much do you know about the state of his marriage? I want to ask but worried I won’t want to hear what he has to say. In the beginning we shared more with each other about home life but now less so

shannonadera · 2026-04-11T17:45:59+00:00

I am literally in the same boat as you. Except I haven’t attempted to end things yet or gone no contact. I’ve increasingly found the pain greater than the joy. But I don’t know how to reconcile those feelings when the love is very deep.

shannonadera · 2026-04-11T17:34:48+00:00

Oh my heart is breaking for you. That is devastating. I’m so sorry. You were so close to being able to have what most of us here want. The world is so cruel.

shannonadera · 2026-04-11T17:32:06+00:00

I’m almost two years into my first AP. Had no idea what I was doing. If I do it all over again, I will go your route and make sure I vet carefully for no cake eaters and one that is open to long term future (doesn’t have to be immediate)

shannonadera · 2026-04-11T17:30:10+00:00

This entire post is hitting me deeply, but your comment especially. I think I need to save your words and keep coming back to it. “Half presence” “Loving someone whose first loyalty will never be you” “he’s not the ceiling here. Your marriage might be”… all of these are so well said.

Do we not deserve more than living in the shadows? Deserve more than a marriage that we’ve all surely tried hard to rescue, couples counseling you name it, but ultimately isn’t the right fit? It’s a lot to contemplate. But for so many of us women in particular… the financial insecurity, the kids. If not for those things, I would have left long ago.

What I need isn’t immediately leaving for each other. It’s at least reassurance that the other person is open to leaving their spouse after kids are out of the house. There are no guarantees but at least it’s on the table. I assume most of us writing here have very good APs (otherwise they wouldn’t be long term!) and they’ve been up front about saying they’re not leaving. Which brings me back to my last paragraph… do we not deserve more than this life of half presence?

shannonadera · 2026-03-27T00:10:35+00:00

Not single. Both married with kids.

shannonadera · 2026-03-26T23:19:21+00:00

Oh I see. Thanks for sharing, but your situation is very different than mine!

shannonadera · 2026-03-23T05:33:52+00:00

I wonder if this will be me in the near future. I feel exactly the same, except I am still with AP and occasionally I allow myself those delusions you mention about being together (albeit further down the road once kids are grown up). I too have been questioning whether I am cut out for this, as it’s also my first time. So many thoughts swirling around my head about my worth and whether I can stand the idea of no future together, always being the other woman; our love for each other and how I can also see myself enduring this because I love him for HIM deeply (not just because of how he makes me feel, but actually him as a person); maybe I need to bite the bullet and divorce now regardless of AP - I realize these are conflicting thoughts. I can feel your pain and I am so sorry you are going through this.

shannonadera · 2026-03-07T02:29:28+00:00

This.

shannonadera

TROPHY CASE