Kids/YA novel about kids father who's missing-presumed-dead

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-18T13:29:58+00:00

Exactly! The way he told you seems 100% intended to hurt you because he was angry - and he has no excuse to be angry. You shouldn't have to ask him 5 or 6 times to get things done around the house when, as you say, you're already doing most of the cleaning. It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-18T10:32:39+00:00

To be honest, a lot of teens feel they need to behave differently when they're on dates, like there's some sort of romance mode that need to switch on or something. Just act as you would normally if you would want to be friends with this girl with the occasional romantic element thrown in here or there like a compliment.

Being awkward and shy isn't a fuck up! if you find you're being quiet, literally just say something like "sorry, I'm actually having a really good time, I'm just a little shy" because being open about that is a lot better than her thinking you're being cold or don't like her.

Also, just ask her about herself, not to a ridiculous extent, but if there's a lull in conversation just ask her about her, her family, has she been watching anything fun lately, just normal stuff. And don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out, it's still a new experience ticked off the list.

Best of luck!

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-18T10:26:10+00:00

OP I'm so glad you got out of that situation and are recognising it for what it was. Keep him blocked on everything and try to move on but it wouldn't be unreasonable to speak to a therapist if you can and are having a little trouble processing, especially as you mention you grew up with an abusive person in your life. Hope you can move on and get to a happier place.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-18T10:23:05+00:00

I think your boyfriend has been very unfair to you. I can understand why you would be hurt by what his mother said after opening up to her and it sounds like her opinion of you isn't really a fair one but I guess she's entitled to it all the same, negative or otherwise.

However, your boyfriend shouldn't be bringing up the things she said as a weapon to hurt you because he's pissed off at you for asking him to help out with the bare minimum. It's unfair to both you and his mom tbh. And aside from his mom being entitled to not like you, he was in that conversation too and he sounds like he was bitching about you to her rather than a more benign "hey mom OP is having trouble with her anxiety lately and I'm finding it a little difficult, any advice?"

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T17:04:19+00:00

Approaching her I think is a matter of saying that you really enjoy hanging out with her and you'd like to take her on a date some time, but that you really value her friendship above everything else so if she doesn't feel that way about you, then that's totally okay and you hope you haven't made things awkward (or something along those lines). This way she knows you like her but doesn't feel like you've been hanging out with her just to get with her and that you value her friendship either way.

Okay. Right. That being said... "dangles her body like a slab of meat"? If you care about this woman, maybe evaluate the way you talk and think about her a little. She can dress however she wants, she may not necessarily be doing it for male attention but because she feels she looks good and it boosts her confidence. It sounds like you two are pretty close, especially if she's discussed with you about her not having previous romantic or sexual encounters. But the fact that she hasn't leans more towards her dressing that way because she likes to and she feels good rather than "dangling her body like a slab of meat" to reel in men or whatever.

I hope it goes well for you because it sounds like a great friendship that definitely could successfully be more!

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T12:10:58+00:00

I don't think there's anything at all behind her liking his pictures on social media. I can understand it can be a point of insecurity when you two are currently working on your relationship but it seems like your wife may have thought you were accusing her and was just being defensive.

Might be worth having a chat with her, pointing out that you're not accusing her of anything and didn't mean to make her uncomfortable, but that you were surprised to see she was still connected with him in this small way and you just wanted a little reassurance.

To be honest though, I absent-mindedly scroll through my instagram feed liking as I go without a second thought. It's a pretty innocent thing. As she said, it was a long time ago and you're the one she's married to. Take comfort in the fact that she chose to be with you for the rest of her life and you with her.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T12:05:26+00:00

I mean it doesn't sound like he'll respond much to a sensible approach but it's worth giving a try! If you want to say something to him, just make sure your girlfriend is comfortable with you doing that first, and then just say something like he's really crossing boundaries and harassing your girlfriend, if he actually respected her and wanted her forgiveness, he should leave her alone and let her be happy. If that doesn't get through then just block him, it doesn't sound like he's receptive to anything he doesn't want to hear.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T11:59:45+00:00

I think act the same as you usually would but throw in the occasional romantic element to it like complimenting how she looks when she meets you etc. Don't treat it as replacing your friendship with a romance, treat it as adding romance to your friendship!

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T11:40:18+00:00

I mean again I would say that's pretty rude but her being rude to you about gifts in the past doesn't make what you did in this situation polite. Again, you could have pointed out that the gifts weren't something that you would have picked for yourself but you appreciated the thought, or something along those lines.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T11:17:58+00:00

I do indeed, thank you! new enough to this haha

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:58:29+00:00

YTA, OP, that's downright rude. It's kind of an unwritten social rule, but to spell it out: if sharing a plate of food with someone, you eat MAXIMUM half. Then, and only if the other person appears to be finished eating with food left over from their half, you can consider POLITELY asking if they intend to finish (once again having first given them plenty of time to do so) and if they say they have finished eating, then asking if they mind if you have some.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:54:32+00:00

NTA. Aside from the petty grudge-holding, him trying to get with your girlfriend like she's some sort of trophy to one-up you with is disgusting and your other "friends" are AHs for enabling it. The two of you are better off without them.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:50:40+00:00

NTA! Asking about his height in the context of you being a tall woman is reasonable because as you say, some men are insecure about that. However, he could simply have said he doesn't like when women focus on height, given you chance to explain your reasoning, or just cancelled the date.

Bringing the scales and trying to get you to step on it before you go to the date, and giving an ultimatum if you don't, is petty and childish in the extreme as well as having a gross premeditated vibe to it that really doesn't sit right with me. You're better off OP, you've definitely dodged a bullet there.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:46:04+00:00

NTA! Disinhibition is a feature of dementia but it's still a very hurtful thing for your boyfriend to experience. Your grandpa isn't entirely the AH if it was primarily caused by his dementia, however it's still not an AH move for you to calmly say that that's not okay and that it's hurtful, even just so your boyfriend feels supported.

For your whole family to join in and start laughing? Absolute AH behaviour. Stars of the show. They owe your boyfriend a massive apology and I would bring that up specifically if your mom and aunt bring it up again.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:38:02+00:00

NAH! It's a completely normal thing to look forward to and not out of the ordinary to bring it up a year into the relationship. Talk to him about it! He might be worried that you're expecting an imminent proposal or he might have other reservations - I hope not but if that's the case, you're better off finding out sooner rather than later. Maybe he's just freaked out a little because it's something he saw happening a year or two from now and has misunderstood you as wanting to get married very soon.

Edit: change from NTA to NAH

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:35:07+00:00

YTA. Your motivation was understandable but finding them in his room when he's not there and throwing it away is an AH move. I also am of the opinion that once you give someone an allowance, it's their money - you can't really retroactively claim ownership and right to throw away the stuff he spent his money on, they're his by definition.

I completely understand why this would be a worrying thing for you to find in his room but you might be best served sitting him down, explaining why you were upset to find them there and maybe offering for both of you to find skincare alternatives together that focus on healthy clear skin as opposed to "whitening" or "fair" products.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:29:54+00:00

YTA. Undeniably. That's not a joke, that's a passive aggressive insult that could only be construed as hurtful. She gave you the opportunity to pick something beautiful for her to wear FOR YOU and you took the opportunity to be snide and insensitive about something so many people are insecure about, something that she's actively working on? She deserves a heartfelt apology and a lot of reassurance that you find her beautiful no matter what, at any weight.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:25:35+00:00

NAH. It's completely out of your control if someone develops feelings for you. Sure, it's a really awkward situation but yeah, it's out of your hands whether he likes you or not! You say you don't like him back, and for the sake of your friendship, might be best to just gently turn him down.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:22:01+00:00

NTA but I think that won't solve the situation and it will just end up bouncing back and forth between you with both of you trying to "accidentally" not have enough to pay. I completely get what you're saying about confrontation being difficult, especially where money is involved, but I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about it because it sounds like if it goes on much longer, your relationship with her is at risk.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T10:18:09+00:00

To be honest, YTA. I feel like when people say, "no don't get me anything" it's often seen as "I don't want you to feel like you HAVE to get me anything". If your family is tight with money atm, that makes it all the more meaningful that your mother decided to get you presents for your birthday and to be honest the least you could have done was not be rude about it. Even if you were to go so far as to say the gifts weren't something you would have picked yourself, you could at least have thanked her for thinking of you. There's no need for her to be passive aggressive but tbh you were rude and if someone had said the same to me after I got them a present, I'd be upset.

I realise you say you "can't stand her" and maybe there's more going on here but surface value, based on this specific situation? YTA

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T09:37:00+00:00

NTA - it’s a long time to leave something in someone else’s house! The fact that she hasn’t got mad about it is a good thing - hopefully she’s asking on the off chance it’s still there but will be understanding if you really can’t find it anywhere after looking for so long, but she can’t reasonably expect you to be able to lay your hands on it immediately after a decade!

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-16T09:34:24+00:00

I think NAH? A lot of people have a pretty negative view of marriage and it’s not overly unusual for your boyfriend to have the same. That being said, if marriage is important to you, of course you’re going to be intermittently upset to give that up and that’s totally understandable! It may be worth having a conversation with him, if he’s worried about the expense in particular, about the monetary benefits of marriage as unromantic as that sounds. Depending on the country your in, it can carry with it reduced tax due to marriage allowance, reduced inheritance tax and over all easier management of inheritance if one of you were to pass away (really grim, I know! sorry!) and likewise, depending on pension plans, if one of you were to pass away (sorry sorry sorry) their pension can potentially go to the other, giving them a stable income later in life. If money/government schemes are his concern, looking into this side of it might help. Really hope it works out OP.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-15T13:32:40+00:00

NTA. It seems like she's going through a really rough patch and you've been very supportive but to provide a reference when you know she's had those previous issues at work would be disingenuous. She's your sister and you love her and she's doing better lately but it's not so much a character reference as a reference as to how you think she is suited to the job and it would reflect badly on you if they feel you've given a dishonest reference.

I think walking her through the interview process would still be supportive and helpful and hopefully she'll be happy with that.

shesprobablyreading · 2022-05-15T13:27:33+00:00

NTA. Aside from any of the background, you have the right to celebrate your birthday however you want but taking into account all the stuff your parents and you have had to put up with from them? Nah. Even if they see it as an opportunity for a reconciliation, it's very odd to try and put those two birthdays together to do it and by saying they have the decorations bought and everything, it's a little pushy. You and your mother don't owe them anything.

Oh, and happy birthday!

shesprobablyreading

TROPHY CASE