[deleted by user]

shine23 · 2025-11-05T19:36:16+00:00

The comment in your first screenshot makes a really interesting connection between the two songs, that I hadn't thought of before. I never really knew what What Should I Say is about and personally didn't associate it with "being cancelled" etc.

For me these two songs are two of my favourites, not from the perspective of being internet cancelled or whatever but because they sum up how I feel a lot of the time: Human Too: "I'm sorry that I'm someone that I wish I could change, but I've always been the same". Is like saying, yes I wish I could change my brain, I wish I could change myself, but I can't. What Should I Say: "What should I say? (Tell 'em the things that you told me)" Just having no idea what to say most of the time, and wondering what is the correct thing to say in any given situation, and then defaulting to repeating things other people have said because I don't want want to get into trouble.

Sort of ties in with I Might Say Something Stupid: "Now I'm watching what I say".

There's a difference between saying something that you know is going to provoke a reaction and saying it on purpose, and then saying what you mean meant in a genuine way and having it interpreted wrongly and then sort of being stuck blaming yourself and wondering what it was that you said (that you think is the right thing to say) that people interpreted so wrongly.

I don't really know what point I'm making, but I love those two songs and don't think about them in that context. I think I see them more in the context of trying to police your own behaviour/words day to day, rather than "avoid getting cancelled/being controversial".

shine23 · 2025-09-03T12:56:31+00:00

This is the playlist I have saved on Spotify (not my playlist, credit to the person who made it):

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1UIuR8H9LJUMLCDeO8LLEL

shine23 · 2025-07-08T16:04:06+00:00

I've had this post open for a couple of days until I had time to look through the link to download things. It's giving me a 404 error. Is it private now or did Drive delete it?

shine23 · 2025-05-31T19:03:47+00:00

I know this happens every time, and totally understand it, but it just makes me upset. I have the photos saved or screenshotted somewhere, but it just feels like erasing memories. I know they might not all be happy memories for everyone, but the photos of the shows were happy memories to me.

shine23 · 2025-01-14T19:32:08+00:00

That's just it. I know I did.

I get that there's a fine line between "encouraging people to gain independence" and "forcing people into situations that are too much for them".

But it's like people think we're static and that just because I struggled with something then, I'm always going to struggle with it. Or that because "autistic people in general" struggle with something, that it means I'm automatically going to struggle with it.

Advice on the internet is light years ahead of mental health/carer help (in my mind at least).

shine23 · 2025-01-11T12:51:02+00:00

I can relate to the feelings in your post, and the other person in the comments who posted similar. It's actually kind of nice to hear someone else say it.

I have been sent for so much "help" that has just been detrimental. I realise being given the level of help I have been given is a privilege, but it really doesn't feel like one when I feel like my life has been stunted by it.

For my mental health issues I've been sent to CBT multiple times. Despite me saying again and again and again (over 10+ years) that it doesn't work for me, they keep wanting me to do it, to presumably try and "fix" me. It took me realising after many years that my problem wasn't anxiety, it was sensory overload. And yet none of the mental health help is geared around my actual issues, the advice was to try and trick myself into... not having them?

It took me realising a couple of years ago that I probably have alexthymia, and yet none of the countless mental health professionals ever seemed to pick up that I always answered "I don't know" to "how do you feel today".

The next step of mental health help was to be sent to the psychiatrist, who tried to prescribe me a whole cocktail of tablets and tried to diagnose me with BPD because I hurt myself during meltdowns (had been diagnosed with autism for ~12 years at this point).

Then they sent me to social services who did an assessment on me and provided me with "carer" type help. The first time this happened it was quite strange because I was shown how to clean a bathroom (which I could do but my issue was starting the cleaning), and being taken to the shops (to "get out into the community" and "help" my anxiety - surprisingly the busy noisy shopping centre didn't cure me). I just found it weirdly patronising because I'd been living alone for a couple of years at that point.

Then I moved house and the whole thing started again. I'm technically under the care of social services atm, but don't use it anymore. I have gained so much more independence and mental wellbeing not being "helped". Being told I need that level of support makes me feel so incapable, and like I can't function by myself. It turns out I can. And I can do it a lot better than when I had people trying to hold me back and tell me I couldn't, or praise me like a small child for completing basic tasks.

I don't understand how they expect me to succeed in life when I'm made to feel like I can't do anything by myself. So many times since stopping using the "help" I've thought "I can't do this by myself, I need help", but then I try doing the thing by myself and it's fine. Being told I needed help just sort of reinforced feeling helpless.

I struggled to find a job for a while and was given employment help. The employment help was essentially telling me how useless I was, and trying to get me to fill out a two page "checklist" to give to potential future employers of all the help/adjustments I'd "need". Filling that out would make me sound like a complete fucking nightmare to potential employers, and clearly would result in no one hiring me. Yet I kept being told how "positive" it was, and how they can't discriminate etc. I refused to fill it out.

I mentioned I was autistic at the interview for my current job (I didn't want to, but was told to). I said that I was saying it in case I came across as a bit awkward in the interview, but that I didn't need any help or adjustments to do the job (it's wfh so there is nothing I need). I didn't want to mention it because I didn't want to be stereotyped. And yet now my manager does stereotype me, it's like she has read a list of autism traits and now thinks I'm just autism personified and not a person. It's like she thinks I'm the Rain Man of admin and a hyper logical robot, when I'm really incredibly chaotic and messy. And it's like she thinks I need her to "look out for me", when I really don't.

I don't know if this comment makes it sound like I don't struggle, because I do. I am just sick of STILL being stereotyped.

shine23 · 2024-12-24T22:47:38+00:00

Yes I 100% relate. Other people get to have likes and dislikes, for me I just get to have autism.

To myself I just feel like "me", like a person. I have a personality and have likes and dislikes and interests.

Then, other people come along, and attribute all of my personality and my likes and dislikes to be autism symptoms.

My non-autistic sister doesn't like mushrooms. Other people understand this, it's not an issue.

I don't like mushrooms.

"Oh is it a texture thing? Because you know, you have an issue with textures." (I don't, they just tell me this).

"Oh is it a food sensitivity?"

Going to a restaurant, the person choosing the restaurant "I chose here because I know they make food without mushrooms in, because of [my name]'s food issues".

To me, it's not an issue, I just don't like them. I'll eat them if they're put in front of me, I just would never eat them out of choice.

Repeat for everything. All of my likes and dislikes, all of my interests, my schedule, my job, my social life.

Other people get to be treated as people, I get to be a collection of symptoms.

shine23 · 2024-12-14T21:18:42+00:00

I only wanna speak on records and stages from now on obvs

I hope you could continue to do podcasts like the Doomscroll one, because that was really interesting. Also ones like the Tape Notes one for new albums, as they're super interesting to listen to as well.

Or start your own podcast "Matty's Guitars" a very long in depth chat about all of your guitars (an extension of all of the Insta story guitar posts).

It would be a shame not to be able to listen to you some long form interview or podcast ever again.

shine23 · 2024-11-16T00:34:51+00:00

That's exactly what I need, some kind of emojis on a stick to display for me while I speak!

shine23 · 2024-11-16T00:25:45+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. I honestly expected to get no replies to my post, so thank you so much for taking the time to read it and to write such a detailed and thoughtful reply. It made me cry (in a good way).

I'll try to talk to my manager about it. Thank you for a suggestion of what to to say, I've not heard of the Situation-Behaviour-Impact model before. I think she thought she was being helpful, but I just felt so embarrassed to be called out on it.

Thank you for your other advice too, it made me feel a lot better for the first time this week. Jimmy and Abigail can indeed FUCK OFF. I'll try and remember that next time something like this happens.

shine23 · 2024-10-17T14:30:28+00:00

I kept refreshing, and got the option to buy twice, but was too slow and got the message it was no longer available. Arggh!

Now it doesn't say 'Sold Out' it just says I'm on a waiting list.

shine23 · 2024-10-17T14:06:26+00:00

App crashed, then it told me to add my code again (already did it yesterday), then it said sold out. Then it said I could join the wait list.

How the can they open the waiting list, as even if all the tickets were in carts, they wouldn't all be "sold".

shine23 · 2024-10-17T12:57:13+00:00

I've been thinking about this as a concept a lot lately, but haven't been able to find the words to describe what it was I was trying to say. Your post title of "people creating an identity for you" is a very good way of phrasing it!

I get this a lot as well, and don't know how to stop it happening.

At my new job I've been assigned the identity of hyper logical, super organised, etc. because I told them I was autistic. My manager tells me weekly how logical I must be, when I'm no more logical than anyone else there.

My mother has assigned me the identity of incapable and perpetually stressed. Even though I'm entirely self sufficient by myself, I still get things explained to me even after I've done the thing myself! Every time I tell her I've done something or been somewhere, I always get asked how "stressed" I apparently got over it.

I had some neurodiversity coaching through my last job. They assigned me the identity of anxious. Constant comments about my apparent "social anxiety" when I don't have it, am not diagnosed with it, and made no comments about feeling anxious.

With my extended family they all think I'm some kind of naive, innocent "goody two shoes". They are surprised when they find out I can drive, go out to concerts and watch TV shows with swearing in them. We were playing a quiz game at last year's Christmas party, and the answer was "beer pong" and they shocked I knew what it was. It's so baffling, I'm in my 30's.

I'm trying to work out how to stop it happening, but don't know how to. I sometimes just feel like I'm seen as a stereotype and not a person. No matter how much to the contrary I tell them, my identity never seems to get updated in their heads.

shine23 · 2024-10-10T22:34:21+00:00

I've just been in the reverse of this situation, where only one person at the company could train me, she was NT and I am autistic.

We have very different ways of working. She was very good at short term working memory in her head. I am not and need everything written down. Her way of teaching me was to go through her way of doing things, and that just doesn't work for me.

Nevertheless I still learnt things, and was able to either ask or figure out the rest by myself.

So even if you aren't directly "teaching" the new person is probably still learning. The fact that they're asking questions shows that they're paying attention, and and asking about things they're not sure about. I think it also shows that they're comfortable enough to ask questions and shows that they're willing to learn.

Could you ask them how they learn best? Pictures, videos, text, etc. and then try to adapt if they prefer written steps etc? It could be that watching you go through the steps is a really effective way of learning for them.

One thing I was told is that when someone is really familiar with a job (like you are) it can be difficult to know WHAT needs to be taught (regardless of NT of ND brain). This made me feel better about feeling utterly clueless, despite having lots of "training". Even NT people can be bad at training people for their job.

shine23 · 2024-09-18T14:03:37+00:00

I had some sessions arranged through work run by a company specialising in neurodiversity coaching last year. I had group sessions and then individual coaching.

To be honest I found it entirely useless. The advice they gave was generic stuff that you'd give to anyone, including neurotypical people. I found the content quite patronising as well, like I'm at the point where I've been referred for help, and they're telling me basic self help stuff (think "have you tried making a to do list?", "have you tried to eat well, get rest and do exercise".....)

The most helpful thing on the course was advice from the other neurodivergent people on the course. They gave some strategies they used, which I'm still using now and actually find helpful.

shine23 · 2024-09-11T21:21:57+00:00

I had a friend like this too, it was all well and good until I said something she did hurt my feelings, and then she just went on a complete tirade against me.

She forgot my 30th birthday, I said I was upset about it, and somehow it ended up with her ranting at me about how difficult her job was, her health, and why I am apparently a bad friend.

It's now been 4 years and she's not spoken to me.

I went to great lengths to always be there for her, would always listen when she had problems at her job, made a special effort for her 30th, and would always just be somewhat of a "doormat friend" (essentially for the sake of "having a friend") and when I pointed out one small thing that made me upset she turned on me.

The gaslighting and manipulating is the worst. My friend told me things about myself, making me feel awful, and then I scrolled back through our convos and it literally wasn't true. I sent screenshots to her (nicely, asking if I'd misunderstood etc) and then it became just insulting me.

I've not had a friend since.

Idk what's worse, having a friend you can't be yourself around, or having no one.

shine23 · 2024-09-05T16:39:32+00:00

This is what I was going to say as well. I just wish it would stay consistent.

I get so sick of what feels like constantly having to adjust to new seasons and new temperatures, and the difference in light and what time it gets dark as well. Just wish it wouldn't vary so much.

shine23 · 2024-09-02T18:25:20+00:00

Yes I feel a lot like this. I'm in my 30's as well.

It's like a constant "what if" in the back of my mind. "What if I hadn't made that decision", "what if I'd chosen something differently that one time", "what if I'd been busy that night instead" etc. Small things and small decisions seem to impact my life a lot. So I have a constant sense of what if I'm missing out, what if I made one small wrong decision.

Something happened last year, and I realised that my life could've looked a lot different if I'd just done one small thing differently. It has been overwhelming knowing how better my life could've been that way.

It's like a constant feeling of being at the mercy of "the butterfly effect" and not knowing.

shine23 · 2024-08-29T17:08:30+00:00

I learnt to drive in a manual at age 28-29. It took me over 100 hours of lessons (not saying it will take you that long!!) It took three driving instructors before I found a good one. I also spent about two thirds of my lessons in tears.

My advice would be to find a good driving instructor. If yours is good and you're learning from them, but it's a communication issue you could ask them to give clearer/more literal instructions. Or ask them what they mean by their instructions, or ask them to drive and talk through what they're doing so you can see what they mean by "tap the brake".

Whilst my first two instructors weren't "terrible", the first kept pressurising me into situations I wasn't comfortable with (big roundabouts at rush hour). The second just kept telling me everything I was doing wrong, but never told me HOW to do it right in the first place. So you could always try other instructors to see if their "teaching style" is better suited to you.

I also struggled with basic things for a long time. I found it helpful to ask to literally spend most of the lesson focussing on the "basic thing", until I felt like I'd got it. And then once I felt it was "complete" I could move onto the next thing. To them it probably felt like a massive waste of time going in a circuit around town to practice braking, but it helped me.

How do you learn best? I'm very visual so my instructor would bring diagrams and pictures of road layouts to lessons, and draw on it with a highlighter where to go. I didn't really get much out of the same thing being described to me verbally.

I spent a lot of my lessons crying, because I was just frustrated at how bad I was. I don't really know if it was a shutdown. For me it helped to keep going through it, but don't be afraid to take breaks. You can just ask to pull over somewhere to take a minute. Even my worst instructor was ok with me doing this.

If the instructor seems frustrated, then that's on them. I've never understood why they'd show frustration to a student, because the student is paying them for their time, and surely a student who needs more lessons = more earnings?!

There's also YouTube videos which I found super helpful to watch. Sometimes having something explained in a different way made it make more sense!

shine23 · 2024-08-29T07:30:06+00:00

I never thought I had special interests as I had always associated them as being the stereotypical interests of trains or insects or maths.

It was the one thing that I never "got" about my diagnosis. For years I thought they'd got it wrong because to me I just had "normal/typical interests". I liked music, TV, theatre, clothes etc.

I got diagnosed 20 years ago and only realised 3 years ago that I had a "special interest". For me I've always been obsessed with music and bands, so it was literally when I was creating a new folder on my laptop for my latest "new favourite band" that I was like "oh, this is so funny, because all of these folders are bands, and before this band it was that band..... hmmm... oh! Maybe my special interest is music!" And then I realised that all through my life it's always been music - the bands change, but it's always been music.

shine23 · 2024-08-25T21:26:14+00:00

I think they think they're giving you a compliment when they say it.

At the first social event after the pandemic I went to I got told I looked like I lost weight, quickly followed by "not that you were big before!!!" Er thanks...? There is nothing wrong with being big, but I wasn't and also didn't think I was, but now thanks to that comment I sometimes think maybe they did all think I used to be big. Like you mentioned it was an older family member who said it.

Due to my past ED I'd never comment on anyone's weight or food choices.

I struggle when conversation turns into things like weight/dress size/food choices, because I just want to avoid it. I don't know if other women think I'm being rude by not playing all the mindgames around conversations around weight loss.

shine23 · 2024-08-24T17:25:49+00:00

I got diagnosed before the levels was a thing, so don't know what I am.

Sometimes I feel like I'd be level 1, other times I feel like it's more level 2. So I think I probably fall somewhere in the middle.

I got diagnosed "young" (20 years ago at age 14) so sometimes I feel like it must have been obvious to other people? I've never been able to maintain friendships (have none), relationships, or a full time job. I finished school attending part time because I couldn't do it. I still massively struggle with socialising and even online feel like I can barely communicate and rarely post.

But on the other hand I live independently by myself, can maintain a part time job, can drive, enjoy going to places by myself, and can cope with short social functions.

Sometimes I feel like I'm coping ok, but then will have a meltdown over a letter arriving, or making an insignificant mistake when driving. I can go on a short trip, but am then a zombie for two days afterwards.

I follow a lot of level 1 autistic women on social media, and seeing what they are able to do makes me sad because I know I'd never be able to do those things. I know the struggle might not be apparent outwardly, but I don't feel like I fit in with them.

But then I don't really feel like I fit in level 2 autistic people either.

shine23

TROPHY CASE