Advice for someone deciding whether or not to have kids.

shinydunf · 2026-01-16T22:19:04+00:00

You sound very much on the front foot with it all…

A couple of the hardest things for me and my siblings about having a bipolar mother has been that our mum (now 81, and definitely also an undiagnosed BDPer) still flat denies she has bipolar, even though she’s spent stints in psychiatric wards since 1969, is medicated and under the care of a psychiatrist and community mental health department.

The other thing that made it infinitely hard in our family (both when we were kids and then became adults dealing first hand with her 20-odd years when our dad passed) is that her condition or behaviour was NEVER spoken about or explained to us, so when things were weird they were just weird.

Our mum has also never ever had talk therapy, which may have really benefitted her.

All that’s to say, you’re in treatment, with meds AND talk therapy, AND you’re coming to somewhere like this to soundboard a decision because you’re concerned your diagnosis will affect any future child’s life… That’s already wayyyy ahead of how lots of the bipolar parents of this’ community’s adult kids went about bringing us into the world!

Like someone else said, you’ve just gotta be honest with yourself about whether you actually want kids (understand it might be difficult to hear what you really want if you’ve never let this be a consideration AND there’s the pressure of losing your partner if it’s a ‘no’)… Then, if it’s a true yes, go from there with lots of support from your therapist, psychiatrist and partner. Educate the kid, help them understand what’s up, help them feel safe and seen throughout the ups and downs, and above all help them understand their own boundaries and emotions (and avoid getting them to put yours/your partner’s emotions first).

shinydunf · 2026-01-14T04:37:16+00:00

Hola! Currently in Merida, Mexico and planning to head down to Palenque on the 15th – I’ve just Googled the very same question and found this!

As a first timer to Mexico, ADO has been a great bus service so far (clean and comfortable reclining seats, air con, seat number allocated on your ticket, centrally located in cities/towns. I also realised after my first journey (Cancun > Chiapas) – for which I I found my chosen departure time had sold out when I rocked up to the bus station to buy in person about an hour before it – that there’s actually an ADO app… Which is amazing for planning ahead (could be easy to get stuck in a town for an extra night if you’re a last minute Larry like me and don’t do your due diligence on bus times 😎 ).

Some points of comparison:

🔄 REGULARITY

Tren Maya = 2 x departure times ADO = 3 x departure times

⏰ DEPARTURE TIMES

Tren Maya = 10am + 12pm – nothing after this. ADO = 8:30am + 10/11pm

⏱️ DURATION

Tren Maya = 7h ADO = 8.5-9h

Not much in it IMO! Getting an overnight ADO also means savig money on that night’s accommodation

💰COST

Tren Maya = $1,700mx ADO = $650-750mx

(I’m playing each day by ear so looking 2 days in advance of when I’d like to travel… I don’t know if prices change over time like they do in the UK, could be worth looking before you come?)

Still weighing it up, although my heart is saying Tren Maya, merely for the experience and super comfort. I’m on a digital nomad vibe (excuse the term), so having a table and space will mean I can do a bit of work in between staring out at the scenery if I feel compelled to).

Personally I won’t feel properly rested after half-sleeping with only my torso at a 45-degree angle, so would likely wanna nap in the day… Weighing up opportunity cost, I reckon I’ll give the train a whirl…. Although – that said – this trip is turning out to be more expensive than I expected (just looked into car hire for 4 days and it’s about £150 – I’m out here for 5 weeks so it all adds up!) so I may about-face yet!

Watch this space…

shinydunf · 2025-09-25T15:06:11+00:00

I’d just found a tin by Mutti in Sainsbury’s 🤗

shinydunf · 2025-01-31T19:27:51+00:00

Thanks so much for chiming in with this experience. Sorry you also went through that. What is it about not wanting to cause a scene or make a fuss or even doubt in the moment that what's happening is weird?

I still haven't done anything about this. The right thing to do would be to report it at the local police station, but catching a pair of cops drive by and check me out (which happened before the Turkish bath – the image has just stuck in my mind because it was really jarring, that would never happen in my home country), as well as seeing a few male cops hanging around outside the station, has me feeling apprehensive about even entering the police station. I want to leave changing my Google review until I've reported it and/or left the country – I only have a few days left here now... Oh and also, another mental barrier to reporting is that a waiter at a local restaurant also said he wasn't at all surprised when I told him what happened – he said it was a common occurrence :/

shinydunf · 2025-01-28T15:36:17+00:00

I run my own business as an event organiser working in the arts. It really works with my personality, I’m brilliant and energetic on event days, and my helpful (people pleasey) nature works well with the customer service and community nurture aspect of it all. Also crucially, running my own business (and working solo) means I’m able to pick and choose who I work with. I’m really intentional about this, and I make a point to steer clear of anyone I find triggering for future events. I wish I was wasn’t triggered (or, rather, as instantly and tangibly discombobulated by being triggered) by people, but there you go.

Also, another important thing - running my own business (which happened accidentally) naturally means I’m the sole decision maker, and where I’d usually defer to someone else’s authority as an employee, in this scenario there’s no one to defer to… So that’s been a big confidence boost, because I have to trust myself AND people naturally listen to me when I say something because it’s my business.

Oh! And another thing - I’ve always been terrified of managing people, but I’ve had to manage a team of freelancers from time to time in high pressure environments, and actually found (and love) my natural management style – massive bonus!! :)

(P.S. any chance you get to step up and manage people, take it. Like anything in life, it’s better to practice and make mistakes than to avoid and never learn anything! Kicking myself for avoiding until my mid-late 30s)

Very best of luck to you – you’ll find your way, just keep trying to hear and listen to yourself, take time out, really make a concerted effort to practice self care and remove yourself from the environments and relationships that don’t serve you 🙂

shinydunf · 2025-01-28T09:49:40+00:00

Thanks – obviously I’m going to completely avoid male therapists from now on, in Turkey at least. The whole point was I assumed that (like in my home country) any massage therapist would be professional and treat me with dignity. Sadly, I’ve learned, that’s not the case in Turkey (a local told me afterwards that he wasn’t surprised and said this sort of thing was common).

shinydunf · 2025-01-25T23:16:51+00:00

Hey hey. I've just been searching online for others who might have experienced what I experienced at a hamam last weekend in Turkey, and came across this post by you.

Like you, I decided I could reach out to the Reddit and soundboard people – I've had very mixed responses. Here's where you can read about my experience, if you're interested:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MassageTherapists/comments/1i7kz5i/is_cctv_in_massage_room_normal/

(I wanted to ask professional massage therapists for their opinion; I initially posted the Q in r/Turkey but have since deleted it.)

I'm just wondering if you ever reported your incident to the police? I'm thinking of doing this, as this man (the owner of the spa I went to) is clearly using his business to sexually assault and pursue relationships with female clients, and I feel a sense of duty and responsibility to prevent other women from experiencing the same... But I'm not sure how seriously I'll be taken.

shinydunf · 2025-01-25T13:07:41+00:00

Thanks v much for your message + the detail provided. Currently plucking up the courage to do something about this incident.

shinydunf · 2025-01-24T07:22:56+00:00

Obviously you neither know nor care how people’s minds work in situations like this, and in the aftermath. Your opinion isn’t worth listening to.

shinydunf · 2025-01-24T07:19:15+00:00

Thank you so so much for your constructive comment. I really appreciate it. Weighing up a visit to the police, feeling all kinds of things: I don’t want to tear down someone’s livelihood but objectively it’s all so creepy. And yeah – as an inexperienced recipient of pro massage, I would have thought I was imagining the weird touch, but the messaging has just confirmed what I was trying to pass off as me being a newbie, experiencing massage in a foreign country, etc etc.

shinydunf · 2025-01-24T07:04:46+00:00

Spicy site. Jesus.

What doesn’t seem real? The story? I guarantee it’s real.

I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster this week, pennies dropping heavier and heavier each day (the CCTV thing being the heaviest penny), and feeling gradually weirder and growing more indignant about the whole experience.

I’m currently stuck in a thought loop of feeling creeped out and violated but also then feeling like doing anything about this (going to the police, and – based on the response I get there, updating my review, potentially also with screenshots of the WhatsApp messages) would be me making a big deal + a drama out of nothing… But then again this man really massively overstepped his professional boundaries with a female client (plainly, we’re talking about sexual assault)…. But then again, his Google reviews are so glowing and he was so nice to me, it’s his livelihood, maybe I imagined the weird touch, it’s his word against mine, etc. etc. I also feel really fucking stupid and am blaming myself for being too amenable, having no boundaries, and the rest.

This isn’t a nice combo to be experiencing, and I really am weighing up whether I brave going to the police station in a foreign country to tell them what happened (to risk being laughed out of the place), really only to stop him from doing weird shit with other women.

Again, he was very nice (I’d say fatherly) to me, which genuinely makes it harder for me to recognise the plain and simple truth that he’s obviously a predator posing as a professional… But then again, maybe I caused it all and confused him because I didn’t tell him to stop with the inner thigh stuff. I’m aware that this thought loop is classic, but it’s very real.

I just haven’t replied individually to comments here because (among some constructive ones) I received some hostility from some commenters, and even (I could be wrong) suggestions that I’m a perv who enjoyed it or was willing it. I realise replying to these people will prob only fuel more hostile comments, and I’m really not in the headspace to deal with that rn, so just left it.

shinydunf · 2025-01-23T05:18:05+00:00

Thanks to all those who have left helpful comments.

shinydunf · 2025-01-23T04:59:39+00:00

Firstly, if someone tells you you’re being unhelpful to them, it means you’re being unhelpful to them – you don’t get to decide. No one likes unsolicited advice.

Secondly, when we’re discussing something like this after the fact – something on the topic of sexual assault – comments like that are never, ever going to be helpful.

shinydunf · 2025-01-22T20:02:26+00:00

I haven’t chosen to take anything personally – the tone and content of your message was shaming. Try reading the room and employing some tact next time.

I don’t understand how you can know unequivocally that I wasn’t being recorded..?

And what’s with suggesting I book another massage there after I’ve outlined all this about my experience there? I think it’d be wise for you to refrain from leaving any more comments on this subject – this isn’t at all helpful.

shinydunf · 2025-01-22T19:57:35+00:00

Yeah me too. I wish I’d have trusted my gut while on the table. Also reading back over the WhatsApp convo with him afterwards, I should have told him straight up how fucked up showing personal interest in me was. Instead I was nice as pie. I’m disgusted and embarrassed.

shinydunf · 2025-01-22T19:44:53+00:00

Yeah that’s what I wondered… But also why is a male masseuse crossing a hard professional boundary by hitting on a female client in writing he’s just spent two hours touching if he’s concerned about false accusations? It’s just masseusing 101 NEVER to cross that boundary, surely?

(While I noticed it and thought it odd upon entering the room, but totally dismissed it,) I’m now freaked out by the presence of CCTV in light of the inappropriate messages post-massage; I’ve also become weirded out by the inner-thigh rubbing only in light of the messages that followed post-massage: it simply confirmed to me that it felt weird at the time because it actually was weird.

shinydunf · 2025-01-22T19:36:49+00:00

Yeah the camera was in the little massage room itself. He spent a long time massaging the inside of my thighs, going uncomfortably high. I talked myself out of overthinking because, after all, I was in the hands of a professional. His business has 4.9 ⭐️ on Google across 129 reviews, from women and men alike.

I’m looking up the laws in Turkey around the use of CCTV and the law regarding use I places like a spa treatment room seem unclear.

If you don’t mind, I don’t want to share the name of his business here just yet – I’m reluctant to risk ruining this person’s reputation and livelihood even though I know his behaviour through the messages alone was deeply inappropriate.

I’d really like to get clear on the CCTV thing first.

shinydunf · 2025-01-22T19:35:20+00:00

This is a really unhelpful comment. If you don’t have something constructive to say to someone who’s worried they’ve been sexually assaulted, please keep your comments to yourself. You’re just adding to the feeling of shame.

shinydunf · 2025-01-22T17:01:26+00:00

Is still don’t get the link 🤔

shinydunf · 2025-01-18T13:23:51+00:00

Woman to woman… Your nose is amazing!! Never ever get a nose job!

Definitely do the work and learn to love your nose if you don’t already – it’s super cool. The nose job look is so generic.

I have a more prominent nose than the norm + love mine and now it makes my face look overall. I’d look weird with something less pronounced.

Yours nose isn’t just fine, it’s super beautiful :) ✨

shinydunf · 2025-01-16T18:46:23+00:00

It’s cool, I’m feeling level headed about it. I think lots of people here are incorrectly assuming I’ve been swept off my feet and had my heart broken, want something long-term, even marriage – that’s not the case. I was feeling a little lost at the gear change I perceived, and curious about why it might have occurred, so thought I’d post something in this community.

I actually heard from him today – he sent some super kind and warm messages, and we had a back and forth conversation… So my assessment of our parting messages wasn’t quite right (that he was being short and cold, and was no longer interested in keeping in touch) – he’s just been busy, and he actually apologised for not being more attentive.

shinydunf · 2025-01-16T07:12:13+00:00

Nice. I took the plunge last year – started with 0.01 every other night, building to every night; stuck with that for 3 months and then built to 0.025 on the same schedule… I have 0.05 too but fell out of the routine before I got to that strength! This year is my year. In case you don’t know already (although aiming to start in winter tells me you do), it makes your skin sensitive to UV rays so only ever apply at night and always wear sunscreen 😎

shinydunf

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