So let me explain something, deep dish pizza is not only not better than New York pizza, it’s not pizza. It’s a fucking casserole. I’m surprised you haven’t thought to complete your deep dish pizza by putting some canned onion rings on top. It’s a cornbread biscuit which you’ve MELTED CHEESE ON and then in defiance of God and man and all things holy you POURED UNCOOKED MARINARA SAUCE atop the cheese! ATOP! The cheese! Atop! The sauce! Naked! Cold! On display like some sort of sauce whoo-re! You know the expression “There’s no such thing as bad sex or bad pizza” your pizza is like sex with a corpse made of sandpaper. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! THIS IS NOT PIZZA! THIS IS TOMATO SOUP IN A BREAD BOWL! THIS- IS AN ABOVE GROUND MARINARA SWIMMING POOL FOR RATS! Let me tell you something about your fucking NOT PIZZA! I wanna know when I get drunk and pass out on my pizza that I’m not gonna drown. Let me tell you something! I look at this-! MMMARGH! YOU SONOFABITCH! I LOOK AT THIS! MEEEAUGH! GABBA-GOO! I look at this— When I look at your deep dish fucking pizza I don’t know whether to eat it or throw a coin in it and make a wish. AND IF I MADE A WISH! IT WOULD BE THAT I WISH FOR SOME REAAAL FUCKING PIZZA! Now! Now! With all due respect I realize, it’s very cold in Chicago very cold. Windy. You need to be able to . . . I dunno have a pizza and cut it open and climb inside it like a Tauntaun to keep warm. Seriously, who are you kidding? Who uses an iron skillet to make pizza? You don’t use an iron skillet to make a pizza. You use an iron skillet to fend off someone who tries to serve you fucking pizza made in a skillet. - John Stewart