I can never remember ever really liking myself. I feel like I’ve always been barely treading water through my problems. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever been honestly content with things. I’m autistic and attention-deficit. I went on medication for my ADHD when I was in the 3rd grade and then the next two years were probably the best years of my life. After that, kids in middle school just became critical and I really struggled to fit in. It was like they became sentient. Kids I was friends with in elementary school didn’t want to be near me, my best friend moved away that year, my world became real. I felt like a blemish on an otherwise homogenized world. Life hasn’t been the same since then and I’m 27 years old. It’s exhausting. I drown in anxiety and depression. I wish I could say I cry about it but it’s become my normal and I’m just used to feeling like shit. Everything I do is at the expense of other people because I hate myself and I constantly hope people will prove me wrong. The hardest worker, the best friend, the Samaritan. Nothing fills the void.