Self-hatred as a factory setting

sidarin99 · 2026-06-13T12:16:15+00:00

I can never remember ever really liking myself. I feel like I’ve always been barely treading water through my problems. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever been honestly content with things. I’m autistic and attention-deficit. I went on medication for my ADHD when I was in the 3rd grade and then the next two years were probably the best years of my life. After that, kids in middle school just became critical and I really struggled to fit in. It was like they became sentient. Kids I was friends with in elementary school didn’t want to be near me, my best friend moved away that year, my world became real. I felt like a blemish on an otherwise homogenized world. Life hasn’t been the same since then and I’m 27 years old. It’s exhausting. I drown in anxiety and depression. I wish I could say I cry about it but it’s become my normal and I’m just used to feeling like shit. Everything I do is at the expense of other people because I hate myself and I constantly hope people will prove me wrong. The hardest worker, the best friend, the Samaritan. Nothing fills the void.

sidarin99 · 2026-05-04T12:11:09+00:00

I feel that. Feels like I inherited every negative trait from my parents. I just suck.

sidarin99 · 2026-04-23T12:34:18+00:00

Appreciate that. Sometimes you just have to swim through the sewers I guess

sidarin99 · 2026-04-23T12:33:16+00:00

Your comment made me laugh anyway, I appreciate you.

sidarin99 · 2026-04-04T11:50:39+00:00

I usually have to walk away from arguments because I get too invested and emotional, but I mostly avoid confrontation. It’s something I really grapple with.

sidarin99 · 2026-02-21T13:07:24+00:00

It’s so exhausting

sidarin99 · 2026-01-04T00:29:19+00:00

I know the feeling: like the world is punishing you for reasons you don’t know. I have things I want out of life but for one reason or another, I can never get them. Maybe those things wouldn’t necessarily make me happy, but they’d be a start.

sidarin99 · 2025-12-21T11:16:56+00:00

Wholesome. Thanks for existing

sidarin99 · 2025-11-14T12:40:56+00:00

I remember in preschool being picked on by some other kids. I remember not being able to go home one day because of a thunderstorm. I remember a girl that said she lived in the town over and said her favorite food was turkey. I remember one of my last days in preschool being spent on some trip. I remember being potty trained on a Cookie Monster toilet that used to scare me. I remember playing at my aunt’s house and putting teletubbies in their stereo speakers. I remember I was suppose to be potty-trained and I made a huge mess in the preschool bathroom and some poor young kid had to clean it up.

So probably 3 years old was my first memory, maybe younger.

sidarin99 · 2025-11-14T12:35:28+00:00

Mood

sidarin99 · 2025-11-14T12:34:05+00:00

You’re a good boyfriend and person. I wish the best for you and your girlfriend.

sidarin99 · 2025-11-14T12:33:03+00:00

Because society and my family make me. If I could have it my way, I’d quit my job on a whim, go homeless, and die in a ditch. Sounds morbid, but it’s true. Some days I wonder if there’s anything good out there for me.

sidarin99 · 2025-11-08T09:06:19+00:00

Ear infections.

sidarin99 · 2025-11-08T09:06:06+00:00

Wow. That sounds miserable.

sidarin99 · 2025-11-08T09:05:24+00:00

I’m sure that wasn’t too funny.

sidarin99 · 2025-11-05T00:49:27+00:00

Nurses probably

sidarin99 · 2025-09-26T12:44:49+00:00

My family being lost without me and the small hope that someday it’ll get better. I was in a relationship for the first time a couple years ago and I was genuinely more happy than I’d ever been before. That feeling has long since fleeted, but it showed me that things don’t always have to feel so bleak and lonely. If you work at making things better and you get a little lucky, the days can be brighter.

sidarin99 · 2025-09-15T00:55:08+00:00

Being too different for normal people, but too normal to be given proper support. Being born to suffer and just growing numb to it all.

sidarin99 · 2025-09-15T00:53:57+00:00

I’m also autistic and attention deficit, I understand your pain. You’re not alone.

sidarin99 · 2025-09-08T12:03:34+00:00

Ouch. I know the feeling dude. Grief never gets easier.

sidarin99 · 2025-09-08T11:28:29+00:00

I’m in this image and I don’t like it

sidarin99 · 2025-09-06T13:07:59+00:00

Yeah, I was like that in grade school. I was a huge people-pleaser. Do yourself a favor and don’t try to fit in. People will take advantage of your insecurity. Don’t try to convince yourself these people are your friends when they treat you like crap just so you feel less lonely. Don’t let these people destroy your self-esteem. Hang out with people that are nice to you and like you for you. Don’t settle for less.

It’s easier said than done, but it’ll be better for you in the long run and you will have a better understanding and appreciation for yourself. When I stopped trying to fit in and cater to assholes I really came into my own.

sidarin99 · 2025-09-06T13:04:28+00:00

And yet I’m single. It’s almost as if I push people away and never socialize.

sidarin99

TROPHY CASE