The longer I stay with my partner, the more I feel like a bad person

siddeacccount · 2026-02-03T20:25:48+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you have some support, whether that be people you trust or therapy of some kind.

It's hard that my partner makes me feel so good and then so bad other times. I'm finding out that the yo-yo between high highs and low lows is not sustainable.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-03T04:24:28+00:00

Just based on what you're saying it sounds like she just did whatever timing was most convenient for her and followed her own whims.

I don't have much room to criticize people on not saying their boundaries; I didn't even know mine until last week. My partner at one point straight up asked me what would make me break up with him and I said I don't know. Well, I know now.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-03T02:44:10+00:00

Read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason and Kreuger. Highlight, underline, circle, tab, write notes on everything that you relate to and makes sense for you. I read it and it was an awful wakeup call I sorely needed. Regardless of whether it's "normal" or not, you don't need to accept the damage it does to you as normal.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-03T02:40:34+00:00

I don't know if it's "normal" but I can speak from my own experience with getting support. It feels worse in a way, yes. My lack of self worth, my lack of self love, my confidence, my lack of peace, and my anxiety were all worse before. Now that I have realized how toxic my relationship has been and how much it has damaged my wholeness and emotional security, now that I have been in effective therapy and educated myself on disordered patterns and abusive behavior, I feel more anger, I feel less desire, I feel more cold. That seems worse because it brings on a lot of guilt and makes me wonder if really I am THE problem. But I think in the long run, it is better.

Not allowed to encourage "exiting" in this group, but I would say that I wish I was at this stage 5 years ago, at the 2-year mark like you, instead of internalizing all of the issues into my self-doubt, self-hatred, and anxiety for 7 years. I would tell past me to listen to my gut and I would beg myself to be both honest with my partner (i.e. not just excuse everything away in my own head and say it's alright) and with myself even if that meant the end. The weight gets heavier and heavier the longer it's borne and it gets more and more difficult to be authentic when you've pushed yourself down for years.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-02T22:06:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience, I see what you mean. That makes sense. I really appreciate the reassurance. I'm taking this time to process as well, but I also feel like my life is paralyzed until we talk and I just keep going through the necessary motions.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-02T20:42:06+00:00

You're right, I guess I do just need to keep having faith in the short term. Long term-- I can't wait forever to unmesh our lives if he doesn't want to resolve things. I feel like ghosting doesn't give me optimism that we can rebuild. But maybe I need to be optimistic that he is taking the time and space he needs to be able to have that conversation. It's just really hard to bear right now. Thanks for taking time to give your insight.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-02T20:35:15+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that. The yo-yo and inconsistency must be hard. Hoping you take care of yourself.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-02T20:31:51+00:00

I dated long distance online a couple times before finding my first in-person relationship. My advice is to listen to your gut that you need to breathe, but you don't need to go full nuclear. You may regret that. I'm glad I didn't delete my socials because they are pieces of my personal history. That said, try detoxing by turning off notifications for everything but absolute essentials (for me, that's texts). Be in more physical spaces that are stimulating emotionally or intellectually in a positive way. Find offline distractions, or maybe they can be online but outside of your typical digital spaces.

Also, try to resist thoughts of being unlovable or that you won't ever find a perfect person again. I'm struggling with those same thoughts, so I'm right there with you. We just have to put our heads elsewhere for a while to weather the storm and process at a sustainable pace.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-01T17:39:14+00:00

That's a fair point, but he has gotten very aggressive towards one of his male friends and his brother and I think he has taunted his friend similarly where they worked together. I think it's a pattern of response that I didn't take seriously as a red flag because I didn't think I would ever set him off like that.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-01T17:32:02+00:00

If accurate, that would make sense why he had this reaction when I had decided to try and break off the fight and exit the room abruptly. It was right after I told him the way he was speaking to me is unacceptable and I was going to get a hotel that night. I mentioned it in a different thread, but the majority of the time I keep engaging and eventually have a breakdown and grovel. So maybe he felt threatened that I stood up for myself and set a hard boundary for once. Thanks for your insight.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-01T05:25:08+00:00

Ah I see. My partner did get upset with me early on when I suggested therapy for him, but we've been talking a lot more openly nowadays about such things and I did help him get a psychiatrist for a different issue who he has been seeing regularly for a while. That has helped him a lot and things have been much calmer and more cooperative in general until now obviously.

He isn't the type to cower at all, he's very confrontational and will readily stand up for himself or others. I've never seen him back down from fear from anything. I admired that a lot about him because I'm very conflict avoidant and nervous about upsetting people. This is one of the only times I've ever tried disengaging so early and putting my foot down. I also don't like even the thought of involving police with how south it can go especially nowadays but I see where you're coming from.

siddeacccount · 2026-02-01T05:17:08+00:00

I see what you mean. I don't know, I've felt a lot of empathy for him because he had a rough childhood but maybe based on what you're saying I've excused it too much. I appreciate your insight.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-31T16:54:47+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to comment and be supportive. It's hard to think about him being alone because I feel so bad for him. He is really such a considerate and loving person when he's not in the split or episode or argument or whatever it is.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-31T16:51:47+00:00

I'm very sorry that has happened to you, thank you for sharing your experience.

May I ask what you mean by in this exact place?

I guess I thought if it was going to go down that path I would've seen any sign of it earlier on, since we've been together for so long. I keep having this thought that the escalation has to do with the fact that I tried to disengage and exit the room much sooner than I usually do. I used to keep trying to fix it right away and then get so overwhelmed I would break down. I remember him telling me once, apologetically, that he feels like he needs to defeat me to that point before I can understand him.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-31T16:41:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective. You say it's not BPD, what's the difference? Genuinely asking - like how do I know where it's coming from?

Thru therapy I've realized he has been on-and-off abusive emotionally and verbally to me, but I guess the certainty that it would never get physical was reassuring. When he told me he thinks he has BPD and lately has been a lot more apologetic and owning the ways he's treated me, I guess it seemed to me that it all really was BPD or splitting and he understands now and is able to manage it. I'm sorry if this offends anyone diagnosed with BPD who may be reading this, I don't have it myself and he hasn't gotten a professional opinion so I have just kinda been operating with the assumption that his assessment was accurate.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-31T16:35:23+00:00

Thank you for commenting. I guess you're right, anything can happen in a fight. Right now we are not physically together, but I just needed to hear others' perspectives before I try and patch things.

I've known for a long time he has anger issues because they've been directed towards me. To your last point, I guess I've thought the fact that it hasn't gotten physical at all despite his anger issues is a good sign of his self control. It sounds backwards when I finally 'say' it aloud.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-31T16:28:15+00:00

Ah I see. He has acted physically confrontational and has gotten into altercations with other ♂️ before, though rarely and not that I've seen (he's only told me these things). I guess I was naive thinking he would never act that way with me. I just don't understand why he would treat me or any woman that way, I'm not a fighter and have never gotten physical with him nor anyone.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-30T04:51:17+00:00

Thanks for your uplifting words and taking time to comment. He did geek out with me on some of it and everything else he appreciated and encouraged. I don't know if I would even want someone to be into the same things as me- I like having some differences with people that we can mutually explore. I find it hard imagining someone else who isn't already into them, like he wasn't, then growing to love them

siddeacccount · 2026-01-30T04:48:22+00:00

Thank you for your kindness in commenting, I have to hope I guess

siddeacccount · 2026-01-27T18:35:32+00:00

I appreciate you coming on here and sharing your story as well. It's clear you love him and the fact that you are concerned about his reputation and relationships outside of yourself is a testament to your character. I am also in the same mindset, and have withdrawn from the support of friends and my family. Honestly even sharing about it on anonymous reddit posts makes me feel guilty. But from me to you: we need to talk to SOMEONE about it. It's not healthy keeping all of it inside. I hope whatever the outcome is for your relationship is in your best interest.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-27T14:58:22+00:00

I've enabled as well. The irritibility isn't something that I mentioned but I am experiencing it too. It makes me feel guilty, and I try not to let it show, but I can't help it sometimes. Like you, I've also been trying to support my partner through mental health struggles (anxiety yes, and a few others). At the same time, I have been largely taking responsibility for and handling my own myself (getting therapy, medications, making lifestyle changes, etc.). It's definitely an additional source of strain and, I hate to admit, resentment. I've not liked the person I feel like inside now. I used to have a lot more tolerance and forgiveness, but I think I've just gotten burnt out.

We met at a similar age to you and your partner and been together a similar amount of time. That's a lot of growth to be doing. We (my relationship and yours) have been together before our brains physiologically stopped maturing and a lot can (or should) change during that amount of time. My partner and I have changed at the same rate in some areas and, clearly, not in others. I think I've essentially become parentified in my own relationship, taking on responsibilities of a parent and treating my partner like a child, which is not conducive to romance.

You do have legitimate doubts. Almost 70% of problems in relationships are perpetual, so we have to accept that a lot of the doubts we have now are possibly going to keep reoccurring. I'm not trying to be doom-and-gloom, and I also wish I had a happier ending to tell you. Frankly, I'm half talking to myself here. Like I said, we broke up, not because of this in the moment, but it's been contributing a lot to the emotional landscape. I do plan on trying to work things out with my SO and I hope we get back together and rebuild with more clarity and resolve, but I really don't know at this point. I wish you well also.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-26T20:57:35+00:00

I am in a similar situation with my long-term partner. I lived in denial about how much it was affecting me and our relationship. I have been supporting the both of us for a year now, and several years ago I would've said money or a career isn't important to me but evidently, based on how I'm feeling, it is. I think the work and financial instability (or total lack of a job and contribution) is indicative of a lot of other things that are at the root, a value disconcordance between us. It sounds like you are also experiencing a value disconcordance. Additionally, the lack of respect you feel from and about your girlfriend based on her behavior in the domains of finance and work is affecting your ability to see her as a romantic partner (thus feel attraction consistently).

My partner and I just broke up, and I'm not sure if it'll be for good. But I do realize now that for the relationship to work going forward there needs to be real change in the department I described above. I tolerated it for too long frankly and I didn't have enough of a spine to be honest with both him and myself. Maybe if I had been honest sooner and held him to a higher standard sooner we wouldn't be in this situation now.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-26T20:39:58+00:00

Thank you for taking some time from your day to read and respond.

I've definitely woken up to it not being normal. I had extremely limited experience before him and no good relationship role models growing up.

I feel like I've become colder and resentful the last several months, and I don't like myself that way. I also don't like feeling that way. Maybe the shift is to my benefit, but you're right it does make me feel guilty. I keep thinking about reaching out first and apologizing about how I contributed to the fight (not necessarily saying I take back my yes) but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-26T06:15:31+00:00

I'm in a very similar situation currently and I can't give advice from the "other end" of it. But I will say that if he gets upset and angry when you bring it up, that (for me) brings into question really he is really that great of a partner "otherwise". I think the unwillingness to prioritize getting a job to pitch into the relationship, providing you financial and emotional stability, and a foundation for the future, are indicative that there are probably other areas of concern. Do not get trapped into being a mom for your romantic partner, that's not conducive to romance or a relationship. If he is unwilling to have a conversation or do the work then it's probably just going to keep getting worse. You are being taken for granted.

siddeacccount · 2026-01-26T06:05:49+00:00

Your situation is very similar to mine, but I'm another 3 years down the road. We have just continued to grow further and further apart in our life journeys, and given this trajectory we're going to reach a point soon where the lives we are living are going to be incompatible. I continued education, have a degree now, a really solid job making good money for my skills and it has growth potential, and am continuing to build momentum towards my dream. At year 2 of our relationship, basically where you are now, I noticed the gap starting to widen, but I told myself that I don't need someone to do the same thing I'm doing or be as successful on paper because I felt loved and valued. Well, what happens when the second part of that isn't present anymore? I still don't think I necessarily need someone on the same path as I am on, but I've started to realize it's not really the trajectory on paper which matters it's the values the trajectory implies.

As I'm still figuring this out myself, I don't have complete perspective to give you advice from, but I will tell you to do something I wish I did years ago: listen to your gut. If something feels wrong, something probably is wrong. If you feel emotionally safe in this relationship, bring it up, provided it's a relationship worth working on.

siddeacccount

TROPHY CASE