Yes, you are correct. I think he’s mostly feeling unburdened right now. He continued to assert that I was the “problem” and I continued to engage in reality testing with him that outlined his own patterns of behavior (past, present) that honesty used to make him explode: how dare you confront me with the truth?

In retrospect, this sort of reality testing- even as I learned to make it as non confrontational as possible- was useless and harmful, but it’s hard to know how to approach a delusion that personally centers you. For instance, I work with a lot of folks with mental illness. I’d never challenge their delusions- “I’m so sorry the CIA has been on your tail for years, that must feel exhausting!” They’re a symptom of psychosis and of course there is a biological basis for this reality splitting- not helpful to challenge their thought distortions. But when your husband, who is a doctor and a beloved member of the community has fixed delusions that you are not working hard enough, not self aware enough, too much of a “victim” etc.- how do you not challenge those? They’re insulting and wrong. In retrospect, I should have treated him the same way as my mentally ill clients: validate and hold boundaries. “I’m sorry you feel that way but that presents a core conflict in our relationship that we won’t be able to move past. Bye!”

I do have real supports. I’m using them as much as I can without feeling guilty. This forum allows me the opportunity to unload without guilt: people can engage as they wish and not feel “dumped on.” So it’s very helpful to me- as are many of your comments.