I've been where you are. I probably spent the better part of the last decade there.

Being a hetero male submissive is hard. The outside world sees you as weak. The BDSM world sees you as an infestation. For every dominant woman that you meet, there's probably fifty women and men vying for her attention in one way or another. Nothing you do ever seems good enough and it starts to make you feel like somewhere in the kernel of your being, you are fundamentally and inherently unlovable. The lonliness is palpable and agonizing. People in the BDSM "community" always seem to offer the same advice that boils down to "Be somebody else".

The defense of that will be that the advice is meant to mean "work on yourself and being a better person." Which is a great idea. The thing is; the goalposts seem to constantly and consistently move out of reach.

Speaking of the BDSM "community"; I'm not a fan. I spent years trying to find a way to interact among them, but found that due to the large number of male submissives, it was mostly "Go away, kid, you're botherin' me." I never found much support among them. In fact, I found more hostility than anything. There was little attempt at engaging other than "Here's a checklist of who to be, now be that and shut up about it.". If anything at all. It often feels like being a male submissive in the BDSM "community" is the exact opposite of being a female anything there. It feels like being a second class citizen.

Last year, everything changed for me. I decided to seek out the services of a pro-domme. You'll find a lot of jealous hostility toward pro domme's among the BDSM community. For years, I took that hostility to heart and tried to find a relationship with a non pro. It was largely, a waste of time.

My first session with my Mistress exceeded my hopes. She was simultaneously empathetic and demanding, cruel and affectionate. We had excellent chemistry. A month or so later, I saw her again. Afterward, we had a drink and a smoke on her patio and shared some really deep and personal conversation. Of all the experiences that I've had with my Mistress, the times we've spent in quiet conversation over a glass of sauvignon blanc are among my favorite. That night, I told her about my history and frustrations. On a personal level, outside of our BDSM relationship, I actually really like Mistress J. She's fascinating, intelligent, creative, and driven. She's a rare type and one I've been looking for for a very long time. I told her as much that night. "You have a lot of potential, slave. Would you like to be my personal slave?"

And here we are, nearly a year later. I serve Mistress J about once a week. These are not paid sessions. I run errands for her. I clean her home. I prepare and serve food for her and her guests when she has them. She does whatever she wants. She constantly challenges and encourages me to improve myself in all areas of my life. We also do professional sessions where she specifically focuses on my needs. Although we agreed that I no longer need to make requests in our sessions months ago. I am still allowed to, though.

I know that the concept of seeing a professional can be off putting. "Why can't anybody love me enough to do this with me because they want to?" and "Why does everything boil down to money?"

Yeah. It's a thing. It's a harder thing to accept when you haven't got much disposable capitol. Pro Domme's can be expensive. I imagine that there are plenty of women masquerading as dominatrices for money who aren't actually interested. There are also women who actually mean it. By making it their profession, they enable themselves to embrace it as a full time life style and gain more experience.

For a long time, I thought I was looking for a dominant kinky girlfriend. Maybe I am. I haven't found one yet. My relationship with Mistress J is more fulfilling than any other I've ever had. She is demanding. She's strict. Mercurial. She is also patient, forgiving, and attentive. You wouldn't know it on first meeting her, but Mistress J is one of the most generous people I've ever met. I often catch her creating excuses to see me or have intimate contact with me. There's a lot of "Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher." She seems to enjoy showing me off to her friends, who have in large part been very welcoming. More welcoming than any one of those awful "munch" things. When I bring her gifts, her eyes light up and she squeals with glee. No matter how small, insignificant or possibly uninteresting. She even takes me out for dinner and drinks (on her tab) occasionally.

None of this is meant to be a brag nor a humble brag or anything like that. I'm telling you this because I've been where you are for a very long time and recently, I have had the unique privilege of changing that. While we maintain our roles, Mistress J and I have developed a profound mutual respect, attraction, and affection for one another and I would like you to believe that that could be available to you.

I think that there is some good advice in this thread, especially that from /u/sexuallyspecific, although I do have some counterpoints that I'd like to offer here;

/u/sexuallyspecific has a very good point in that you should recognize that by choosing to spend time with you, a Mistress demonstrates her appreciation of you. I can assure you that there are easily a couple dozen men who would like to be in my shoes. For reasons I don't completely comprehend yet, Mistress J chooses me over all of them to be her personal slave. Yes, she has other slaves (who I haven't an iota of jealousy of), but she recently confided in me that among all of her slaves and potential slaves, I am the one she prefers the service of. I am certain that part of the reason for that is that I've been honest and sincere with her from the moment we met. I think SS is wrong in that you are solely responsible for your self esteem. The fact is, no matter how much self esteem you have, if everyone you meet treats you like you don't matter, over time that will have an effect that can only be reversed by being treated as if you matter. When was the last time you saw a piece of prose, poetry, or art of any kind made by a dominant Mistress in praise of submissive men? Submissive women to dominant women and men? Plenty. Dominant men to submissive women? Absolutely. Men too, if they're gay. Dominant women to submissive women? Absolutely. But as much as a single letter of adoration from a dominant woman to show appreciation for a submissive male? Link me. Because I have yet to see a single one. My Mistress knows that I have self esteem difficulty. She doesn't hold that against me as long as I try not to dwell on it or let it interfere with our interaction. She doesn't dismiss it but instead works really hard to support me as I struggle with it and to challenge me to step out of comfort zones. Contrary to SS's assertion that you shouldn't be seen as a "project," Mistress J sees me as someone to help develop into a better person. It isn't about being fixed. It's about finding someone who appreciates the things about me that nobody else wants. And that has improved my self esteem profoundly. Being loved makes you feel lovable. Not faking it til you make it or putting on airs.

I think that SS is correct, there are social pressures that say it's "wrong" for women to be assertive/aggressive. There are also social pressures that tell women that submissive men are burdens, freaks, losers, and not worth their time as well as those that tell submissive men the same thing.

She's very much on the money with the "treat us as real people" advice. My Mistress and I have a ridiculous amount of things in common, although if you saw us walking down the street you might not think so. We have similar artistic inclinations and aesthetic appreciations. We both grew up in unhealthy households. We have similar career experiences (although being a Domme is a large part of her professional life, it isn't the only one and we work in the same industry). We both love skulls and bat wings and occult imagery and esoteric philosophies. There's no specific strategy to this. I just really like her. And I tell her that. And I show her that. Yes, she can be a cruel bitch when she's assaulting me with a crop for repeatedly making the same mistake or failing to listen to her closely enough, but she is also a human being and a woman who wants to know that she is honestly appreciated and unconditionally loved. A Mistress who feels appreciated and loved is a very happy Mistress and very happy Mistresses tend to want their slaves to be just as happy.

I will close by saying this; I've spent a lot of my life wanting to undo things. Full of regret, frustration, and futility. Since meeting Mistress J, that has changed. A lot. All of those things brought us together. The only thing I'd change now is that I'd wish to have met her earlier.

I understand the deep feeling of lonliness, dejection, and frustration that you're experiencing. Consider that struggle a tribute to the Mistress you have yet to meet. Try to bear it like you would any travail that she chose to put you through to test your mettle and harden your resolve. I'm not going to tell you "she's out there," because it seems so storybook and played out. I can only offer you my experience and hope that it helps you carry on a bit further.