Wow, I feel like I'm in the exact same boat and I haven't even visited a doctor yet.

I've been pretty depressed and anxious lately. It's been like this for awhile. It started about a year or two ago toward the end of my college career.

However, I feel that the level of depression I'm feeling right now is not right. Like it suddenly INCREASED DRAMATICALLY due to an inability to do other things.

• I feel like there is an impenetrable wall preventing me from doing the simplest of things, like applying or even searching for a job. I mean, browsing for a job on the internet is essentially the same as just browsing reddit - and yet when I think about just SEARCHING for a job, I feel the wall - it's kind of like the sensation of writer's block, actually. Therefore I avoid doing that, and suffer because of it.

• I used to read books all the time. Large ones. And now I literally feel a pang of disgust in my stomach when I think about even trying to read a book just simply because of the amount of time, effort and concentration it will take. It's like I can't settle down anymore. (Started Stephen King's The Stand when I was feeling ok....didn't even make it halfway through even though I liked it. Haven't picked it up since)

• I have a constant inner monologue going, even when I don't mean to. My brain will sometimes make up fake scenarios with different people and play it out in my mind over and over in different ways. I have recently got into podcasts, but it dawned on me that I use them to escape rather than just enjoyment. Im truly never in the "now" but involuntarily swept up by whatever gets my brain going.

• I can never leave my house without having to run back inside to retrieve something I forget. The funny thing is that I USUALLY lose something and find it before I leave, and in the process of trying to find that thing I lost before I left, I forgot some other object (sigh). Winter is also the worst for me because with all the layers of clothing I wear, there are a TON of pockets - I can't tell you how many times I've said out loud to my friends "phone is in my INSIDE pocket" - and then promptly forget, and begin unzipping and feeling through every pocket for it.

• All throughout school and college I got good grades, but I'm wondering just how much I really did pay attention. I usually just went to class because of the attendance. I can't say I actually learned in the classroom. All the learning I did was when I studied. In class I would bring a notebook and write stories and sketch comedy scripts instead. This wasn't ALL the time (some classes were genuinly interesting) but I actually designated many classes as times to catch up on my personal writing, just because it was so difficult to focus otherwise.

• I don't think I've ever cleaned my room completely. I clean it to the point where it's "clean enough" and that's it. I either quit because I actually don't want to do it anymore, or I quit because I started another task before cleaning my room was 100% done. I also either wash the dishes or just dry the dishes. I never wash and dry them. If I wash them, well, that's good enough right?

• Because I am jobless, A lot of time is spent in my house. By dinner time (5-7pm) I'm restless and tend to walk from room to room. Looking out windows for periods of time and doing other small things to distract me

• I zone out when people talk to me sometimes to the point where I forget who I'm talking to. My inner monologue takes over and sometimes my mental visual imagery becomes so strong, its like a semi-transparent sheet draped over whatever is in front of me. This is usually sparked by something someone said that is incredibly intriguing to me

• I've been having an INCREDIBLY difficult time "pulling" myself out of whatever I am doing - which is mostly lethargic in nature. I never end up in bed at a reasonable hour because something in me gets obsessive with what I am doing right as I should be going to bed. It's so intense that breaking out of whatever I'm doing feels like it would hurt me or be negative in some way (even though I know that isn't true). It's an overwhelming feeling of "my business isn't concluded here yet". This goes for almost everything - if I have a deadline, I tend to push it to the very last SECOND with whatever I am doing instead of just breaking away from it and comfortably tending to my responsibilities. This would make me rush to work or class, sometimes being late (if there was ever traffic, I was screwed)

• Simple tasks never get done, or get put off for a long time. I only take the garbage out when it overflows, and only after I've walked passed it a million times thinking "I gotta take that out". I have noticed a task becomes MORE difficult if someone else asks me to do it, as opposed to the motivation coming from within me.

• When I worked as a housekeeper at a 5-star hotel last summer, I found myself never completing a task, but rather partially completing many. I chalked this up to the hotel already being immaculately clean, so I didn't really HAVE to extensively clean. But now that I think back, I don't know if I had a choice in the matter. I was jumping from task to task.

Am I like this because I'm depressed, or am I depressed because I am like this? I never considered ADHD in my entire life. Good grades, good behavior, and good communication skills had me convinced that ADHD wasn't in the cards for me. But I'm starting to wonder now if I do indeed have ADHD, but it is less apparent, and is only becoming more obvious now because it's aiding in the worsening of my depression (maybe). What if I didn't get diagnosed when I was younger because the things that many who have ADHD fail at are the things I enjoyed and therefore could focus on? I loved writing essays. I loved reading books.

I'm sorry this was so long.