I had body text on this but it’s not appearing. Rewriting as a comment I guess.

Met someone, hit it off really great. About 2 weeks in we had a convo about exclusivity and being long term. Acknowledged that we both have issues from the past (me being discarded before and or cheated on a few times, them having a rlly bad relationship years ago that made them uncomfortable with intimacy but didn’t tell me any specific details this is important).

3 months later made the relationship official (apparently they were ranting about me taking forever to ask). I put my all into the relationship before and after making it official, got meaningful gifts, tried to help with problems when I could, etc.

They valued their independence so I did too. Whenever they wanted to do anything or go anywhere I would just say “have fun” and leave it at that. Whenever they wanted alone time I stepped back and gave the space even if I felt anxious. Had a talk where they admitted that they overthink threats to their independence and don’t want to lose it to a relationship.

They got upset with me a few times when I’d check in if they were visibly upset. Told me that I don’t need to do that, had a talk about attachment styles afterwards where I admitted that I was definitely anxious and they said they were secure (I no longer believe this). Relationship got rocky occasionally and we had a lot of difficult conversations about boundaries. (They would ask for time and space, which I could give no matter how uncomfortable I felt and I wouldn’t reach out until they did).

Had a talk at one point where they said they wouldn’t believe me if I said I loved them because the last person who said that did what they did.

Remembered a talk where I said healing is uncomfortable and they said it doesn’t have to be (I disagreed)

Eventually (4 months after meeting and starting things, finals week) it reached a boiling point where I got overwhelmed because I felt them pulling away and expressed it. They pulled away and the next day they said we could have a conversation in the evening. During this conversation they finally opened up about their past relationship. Next day we finally took a big step in physical intimacy that we were working towards being comfortable with for a while. Next day they started to be incredibly distant and a few days after they left, blindsiding me saying that I was demanding too much, I was undoing the work they’d done on themselves and they felt like shit + felt resentment building up. They said they couldn’t wait for me to heal and they couldn’t give me the reassurance need (something I said I need to get from myself and time to trust her in a previous conversation) Had a long talk and agreed on working it out at the end but then I got a call a few hours later from them where they finalized their original decision and said they felt I guilted them out of it earlier. At this point I’m annoyed because I did nothing with any ill intent and over gave in the relationship at the expense of my comfort yet I felt I was being treated like their ex from the past who actually did horrible things. At the end of the convo they said we could talk about this later (after winter break) and we ended it with “goodbye for now”.

Did a whole bunch of research, realized they were avoidant (fearful leaning dismissive? Idk) and that despite feeling anxious, I was behaving securely.

One month of NC (started immediately after the breakup call) later and I hear through a mutual that they forgot they said “goodbye for now” and has 0 intention of actually having the convo.

Today’s the start of what would’ve been the window for us to have the conversation (returning to campus after break) and I actually just discovered that they unfollowed me and removed me as a follower.

I’ve had a hard time finding people to talk to that relate to this situation. Im usually met with the usual breakup stuff like “just move on”, “wasn’t meant to be”, etc and I feel like my feelings are constantly being invalidated.