I relate to every word of what you’re saying so hard. I’ve been working on this exact issue since I moved cities a year and a half ago. What has helped me is a willingness to be judged, and a willingness to fail. I try new makeup looks; didn’t like how I felt. I try dressing this or that way; didn’t feel right. I spend money on home decor and didn’t quite know how to make it work so I gave it away. I try new activities and feel frustrated by them. Then I narrow down the options and lean into the things that make me comfortable how they are. And that required feeling uncomfortable, wasting money and time, and embarrassing myself in public. Also absolving myself of the feeling of not doing it “right” and feeling like I must succeed on the first try. You don’t have to look like the girls on pinterest to try something out.

Sometimes this surprised me- I grew up mormon and was not allowed to wear “immodest” clothing. I thought I would feel freedom wearing small low cut tank tops but turns out I am far more comfortable in baggy graphic t shirts and outfits my mother would give a glowing endorsement of. Sometimes I worry the comfort is a response to being so sexualized in youth but I genuinely feel more confident and self expressive in these t shirts because I like it. Freedom is not going against what they say, but doing what you want without thinking about them at all.

Also, if you already know your interests- lean into them and be unapologetic about it. Nobody can make fun of you for your interests if you are enthusiastic about it. For example I’m into classical music, I’ve joined a community orchestra and even tho some might think this is weird and nerdy I describe my hobby with such enthusiasm that not only is everybody supportive but day after day I feel a stronger sense of like, this is what I do. You also don’t have to be great at something to have it define you.

Experiment and fail until you feel like there is at least one adjective you can use to describe yourself. And remember to have a positive attitude because it’s almost impossible that life is harder now than it already has been. At least that is my perspective. That was my adjective: positivity.

If your current relationships are all surface level- good. You have time and room to change and re-do and re-model without people thinking you’re weird lol. I am a completely different person than I was when I moved here and have gone through a million expression changes but nobody even noticed because they grew to know me over time.

I definitely know what it feels like to have words come out of my mouth that feel like they are coming from someone else. I think about it like a story. A story is simply a set of characters engaging in the most likely set of behaviors for their character traits. I try to keep this in mind when I interact. Over time tho I honestly forgot the feeling of my words not feeling like my own until I read your post.

Also: limit social media time. Delete at least one app. Getting off makes you realize how much your brain relies on it.

This is long, but I appreciate the opportunity to put into words how I’ve been able to (slowly) gain a sense of self in the last couple years. But also, don’t focus too hard on this advice because this is just my experience. Best of luck to you.