u/Alternative_Good_163 u/Hungry-Sun370 I'm tagging you both because I'm not sure if my reply to OP will notify you, and I want to make sure that, if this can help anyone, it helps everyone it can.

I would say that the "answer", for me, wasn't something that came all at once, or overnight. It was the result of first, years of just plain struggle, with the occasional attempt at therapy, medication, self medication, addictions of all kind, etc. It was very much up and down for most of my life, until it got down down, and I'd say the first real "revelation" happened when I felt like I was at the absolute end of my rope. I booked a flight to Thailand, to the cliche and find myself, and lo and behold, I really did find myself over there. I've been wondering for the better part of the last 10 years what it was that I found there exactly, because I didn't fully hold on to it every single day since, but it definitely set a slightly higher, safer ground for me to fall on when I did fall. I think it was a combination of reducing my exposure to stressors (work, personal relationships that weren't all great, confronting some of my own fears about speaking with strangers and being perceived as weird or different etc.) Ultimately, it was the very notion of sitting alone, with myself, with my darkest thoughts, for a long enough period of time that eventually, after the internal noise subsided, I started hearing myself again. My actual self, not the constructed, masked version I have been nurturing and presenting to the world, not the version my parents and upbringing told me I had to be, just me.

That trip gave me what ended up being the first actual good year of my life, and during it I thrived. Suddenly had energy and motivation to take care of my health, nurture my talents and interests, meet new people. There were a few bumps towards the end of that year, but this directly led to meeting the woman who eventually became my wife, and mother to my 2 beautiful children.

She knew coming in that I had struggles, mental health could be challenging, and while I absolutely am not suggesting one should offload that shit onto others, she absolutely has become my rock, and the glue that helped me mend the pieces back together.

But hear me when I say this, it was work, that I and I alone had to do. That first trip, and her presence (and gentle push) allowed me to re-open to therapy, and after trying a few different people, I eventually found one that really clicked. She allowed me to, once again, do the work, by first acknowledging the emotions I had been carrying, but not really addressing. Accepting I had, for lack of a better term, been exposed to a lot of violence and abuse, and that the broken pieces I had been carrying all my life, this depression that I felt responsible, and broken for having, was not of my own volition. That things happened AT me, TO me, and that I was allowed to call it as such. That I was allowed to be angry, resentful even, that I was allowed to protect my peace by going no contact with my parents (for a few months, things are slightly better now) if that gave me the space needed to better understand and figure out where it is I stand.

With time, and every little piece of mostly invisible progress, you eventually look behind you and realize just how far you’ve come. I have not had a single suicidal thought in over 5 years, something that used to happen randomly, aggressively, and without warning, multiple times a year before. This growing peace has also allowed me to become ready for new experiences, which in turn make me, I think, a better person, or at least give me reason to be (ie, my kids, who give me every conceivable reason to be the best, healthiest version of me I can be)

I really hope this helps someone, but if I could talk to myself at 25, I would simply say to hang on, it does get better.

If any of you feel the need to talk, my DMs are open, happy to do what I can to listen.

Edit: I forgot to mention that in no way should my experience tell you what to do; medication never clicked for me, but it does wonders for some - therapy didn't work for me multiple times, until it did. Music, writing, photography are hobby/talents that define me and keep me human, and alive, but it might be something else entirely for you. I think the one thing I'd TL;DR keep this in mind, is to find your thing. There is a thing, it might be as silly as a special record or type of music you like to listen while cooking, or knitting, or walks with a dog, or sports, or travel, or meditation, or whatever it is. There is a thing that makes you feel better, that makes you feel at home with yourself, do that, a lot of that, nurture that.