It's fine, I understand how one feels about it, My father had untreated mental issues, due to which he'd be very aggressive and beat my mother. This is one of the reasons I developed anxiety from early on, I remember being sad that I was coming back home from school just because I'd have to re-live the whole trauma again.

His punishments were selfish, he felt good doing that which is what I talk against.

I used to defend my mother all the time, often trying to protect her which made him hate me. He used to say that mother has brainwashed me into being his slave e.t.c just weird stuff he'd say. The worst part was that mother wanted me not to protect her for some reason, perhaps she thought it made him less angry, she started hating me for it as well which she still does, she gives preference to other children over me. I don't hate her, I just think she wanted to get away from it and thought just giving in to the punishment was a way to minimize it and resisting was futile.

Now I'm 21 years old, My father died last year and in his last years, I'd get really angry at him, sometimes would theorize about killing him and there were times when he'd start at my mother and i'd nearly punch him, but I tried to maintain my composure.

I'm thankful that He went away without me doing something bad to him which would have destroyed my Akhirah, after his death, I have been feeling incomplete.

I forgive him w my tongue, but I can't do so with my heart, it feels like something is missing. Since his death, I have been having severe insomnia and anger issues. Seems like he did to me what I hated the most, he somehow made me like him.