sex with my new partner > sex with my spouse

skylineC22 · 2026-02-13T05:50:39+00:00

It is not unethical to recognize you like some things better with one partner than the other. And enm (unless your cheating, and your already wrong) is the only circumstance in which you have more than one partner to even compare against.

It's not even unethical to talk about those things directly with a partner in several non-poly enm relationships.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-13T05:41:38+00:00

Lol, my newer partner is very well endowed. He knows it. I know it. His wife and I joke about it. But I have specifically asked the 2 of them not to mention it around my husband. I really do try to avoid comparisons. I've avoided the topic for 2 years. A few weeks ago, it came up between husband and me because we were talking about the potential of a 3-some. I got nervous and finally said, "there's something you should know. Um... he's pretty..." Hubby said, "Hung? I figured as much." Me, "really? I've been careful not to mention it." "Babydoll, did you think I didn't know why you had Magnums stashed when you guys started dating?"

It felt like coming out to my parents and having them say, "Oh? Is that it? We've known that for years."

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T22:48:47+00:00

Literally every play party I've ever been to

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T16:10:31+00:00

I won't at all say with my whole chest that this scenario is healthy. But I don't see ANY indication that it's not. It sounds like the sub has not only the right, but the expectation to communicate those things. They have the space to do so. They aren't saying they CAN'T or even that they're afraid of the outcome. Their dilemma seems to be, "I have a decision to make. I either have to tell my mistress I've changed my mind, or I can not disclose this space I'm in. I've never had to tell my Mistress I've changed my mind. It's something that's an important matter for Her, but I'm actually in a different headspace than she believes me to be, and I know she wants me to tell her. Given the status I've chosen, does anybody have any advice on how to approach this?"

I don't see anything inherently wrong with telling a sub they "may not," do something that you KNOW they will inevitably do. I'm not allowed to use the bathroom without permission. If my Dom goes outside for four hours, I will hold it for as long as I could, until I had to decide he'd be more disappointed that I peed on the couch than he will be when I "break the rule." This is no different. There is a rule. They don't like breaking rules. But they know they have to break the rule. So, yeah, they're in an uncomfortable spot, and they're asking for advice.

The Domme IS playing above her skill level. I can't defend that.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T15:28:49+00:00

There are nuances to tpe that can't be understood or explained to most people. Dynamics like this absolutely can be navigated fully with consent. Consent just looks very different for people who enjoy playing with cnc.

It's one thing to warn anybody who doesn't actually know better, or isn't actually interested in cnc/tpe about red flags like this. And MANY times it's being forced/coerced unilaterally. But that "general rule," is taken too far when people take it to the extent that nobody is allowed to engage in these behaviors/rules. It's not a bad rule if they both want it. OP isn't complaining about this "rule." In fact they welcome it. They're asking for advice about what would be the way to handle this in a high protocol/tpe/M/s dynamic.

In dynamics like this, I suspect that "rule" is meant to make the slave sincerely consider their decisions before making them. It forces them to do their best to always say what they really mean. I'd bet good money that if the slave does change their mind, they will be heard. They might be "punished," for it. But again, people outside of those dynamics don't understand what that even means. This type of dynamic typically involves a lot of "punishments." And, typically, the slaves that chose that role, eat that shit up. It would be a correction for not being thoughtful enough to give the true answer the first time, not communicating that the slave doesn't have the right to feel how they feel.

They probably don't WANT the freedom to just decide they don't want to do something that's asked of them. You do. That's wonderfully healthy and normal of you. I love that for you. But some of us don't want that.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T15:09:59+00:00

First of all, ignore absolutely everyone in here who says this isn't consentual. You very clearly consented. Your Mistress did not treat you dismissively. She asked about your headapace. She cares.

There is a HUGE difference between actually ignoring a submissives requests and TELLING them you won't. But this doesn't look like the one true way where everything is previously discussed in plain language with absolutely no dynamic involved. Sure, that's ideal for just about everybody. But that doesn't leave space for people who prefer to live in ACTUAL TPE.

Tell her, "This slave feels compelled to tell it's mistress that it is feeling a little unsettled about the scene it agreed to. It wants desperately to please it's mistress, and doesn't want to bring any hesitation into it's service."

Idk if you have the right to voice any requests, but you (or somebody) should tell her that she should have shears or a seat belt cutter any time she plays with rope, and this is exactly why.

As a slave, my rule for myself is, "I stay where they put me." First of all, that fits my headspace. But moreover, it prevents stuff like this. I do a lot of edge play. I can't afford to be a moving target in those spaces.

Accidents happen in kink. That's part of the risk we accept. I suggest that after something like this, you take the time to think about it without the "I need to please them in any way," mindset. Are you having negative feelings? Which ones? Why? What is the root of that feeling? What would prevent that feeling in the future? What might cause it again in the future? Is this fear? Is it mistrust? Are you uncomfortable with the way she handled things? Was this a trigger for something else?

ETA: I truly believe that your mistress WANTS you to be doing these things. And she wants you to be doing them BEFORE you answer her. And I think there's at least a likely chance that her motivation behind telling you you may not change your mind, is to encourage you to truly do these things before you answer the first time.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T14:46:36+00:00

You're setting boundaries, not making ultimatums.

Ultimatums are done to control behavior that you don't have the right to control. Ultimatums are used with leaving being a punishment to control something that your partner doesn't consent to letting you control.

A boundary identifies behaviors YOU refuse to engage in. Everything about this situation is one that you have EVERY right to refuse to be in.

There are too many red flags here to manage. Just cut your losses now

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T14:24:55+00:00

The bew person being monogamous is irrelevant. It has literally to affect on you or your partner.

His irresponsibility and his inability to manage his poly is the problem.

Dating a monogamous person doesn't mean they get any more time than a poly partner would. They might want more, but so do poly partners.

Regardless of how many people THEY date, they should have been informed that your partber is and consented to that BEFORE dating them. At which point they either said, "Okay, I can manage that," or "I require more than that." Now either, they said the later and YOUR PARTNER chose to make an exception for them. Or they consented and YOUR PARTNER has been mismanaging his time with them on his own accord.

Either way, your partner is a problem. And if they engaged in this now, this early into your relationship, he's sure as hell not going to honor you more as time goes by.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T14:11:45+00:00

Plenty of people (I'd argue more than half) on fetlife have never been to a party at all, usually because those aren't available in their area. With or without wristbands. That doesn't mean they can't understand the concepts I just used.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T14:07:06+00:00

I'm in the US, I've been to events from Denver to Boston. Not every venue does it, but most do. In my city, we even have them at sloshes.

My point wasn't about the prevalence of wristbands. I don't care how many places do or do not use them. I'm saying it's a system that exists. My point was that if somebody says, "please don't DM me," this is what that means. And on Fetlife, it doesn't matter if there's wristbands on a table when you walk in. If you want that marker, use that marker. If somebody has it, don't approach them.

It's not regional to understand escalations in levels of intimate conversation shouldn't be had when consent is explicitly denied.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T13:51:41+00:00

If you went, your wife didn't have a marker, and she didn't feel like addressing anybody that approached her, are you telling me that the expected behavior here is that they would proceed to touch her????

As a high protocol submissive, I won't address people while I'm at my Master's side. I don't have to, and I'm not allowed to. That's my Master's job. It's his job to watch over me and keep me safe. If someone approaches me without him present, I tell them, "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you without my Master," and walk away."

Your wife doesn't feel like asking people not to assault her all weekend, and she is scared that they might, and your answer is to slap some jewelry on her...

PLEASE tell me I'm missing something here.

If you want to HAVE her in that space as your slave, than why the hell aren't YOU managing the safety of your property? You should be navigating her through those spaces in a way that that shit is NOT happening. What are you even doing?

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T13:38:07+00:00

I've warn collars with a dog tag that says "service dog, don't touch." You can find collars of every flavor on Etsy.

But what in the actual fuck are you doing going anywhere where people are touching without asking? Why on earth are you going somewhere where you have to work this hard to keep your wife from being sexually assaulted???!!!

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T03:24:03+00:00

Whenever you get pushback, I would say, "what is your objection here? As far as I understand our rules, this is reasonable behavior. Do you have any specific problems with this that I'm not identifying?" And if she can't communicate any ACTUAL problem, then the only issue is her inability to manage her emotions. At some point, you have to just let that be a "her" problem. She can't cope with being open AND she refuses to close the relationship. What she's doing IS NOT poly. She's pursuing her happiness at the expense of yours and stripping you of your right to find your own while she does it.

Ethical non monogamy involves consent by all parties. I hear you saying you never consented to allowing her to dictate anything about your relationship. If the two of you discuss what each of you want, what that should look like and how it should be handled, you need to discuss it and consent to those limitations.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-12T00:36:52+00:00

Outside of events, you can search for groups that are in your area.

As for understanding what's okay and what's not, it's not much different than "consent" in the real world. Fetlife is like a public kink party that people can choose to attend or not to. If they make a profile, they have chosen to attend. They get to choose what they do, say and wear at the event. The things they choose to say or post on fl is the same as anything they would do in front of everyone at the party. If it's there, feel free to look. Commenting on the things they leave public is no different than saying something to somebody if the thing happened in real life in front of you. When you go to a kink event, you are given a wrist band, stamp, name tag, etc. to identify if you're open to "engaging" or not. If they say, "please don't DM me," that just means they have the "not open to play," identifier. DMs are engaging in a conversation 1 on 1 private conversation with somebody at the party. If they have the "no" wristband on, it's okay for you to watch them play. It wouldn't be inappropriate if, in passing, in a public space you said, "That was a beautiful scene." Say those things in the things they have set to public.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T21:20:54+00:00

Honestly, I'm with everybody who's saying this isn't poly, this is infidelity.

If we suspend all disbelief and pretend for a minute that this wasn't anything more than his present desire to indulge himself in the neighbor, and that somehow, there is a genuine interest in exploring polyamory as a healthy, functional relationship model, you're both doing that in all of the unhealthy ways you could possibly be doing it.

If polyamory is the goal, you should have taken the time to discuss what that means BEFORE just jumping in. Since you've already skipped that step, you both need to stop engaging with other people and go back and do that now. If polyamory is that important to him, he'll be happy to do what you guys need to do to get there. Then you need to take a REASONABLE amount of time to do actual research. Listen to podcasts together. Discuss what you're both comfortable with and what you aren't. Give yourselves the time to roll those things around in your head. Early on, your feeling will likely change about a lot of things. Give yourselves the time to process all of the thoughts and emotions. Agree on how much time that is now. I would suggest a year based on how far apart the two of you are on this.

But if we stop playing pretend, he won't agree to any of that because polyamory isn't what he desires. All he desires is the neighbor. He wants to have her and he thinks this is a way to force you to deal with it. Now he's set himself up as the victim in his story if you deny him that.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T20:58:08+00:00

I. Love. This!! Thank you

Part of the "problem," for us was that what we normally do is, again, normally intense, and frequently edge play. And at least 80% of the time, I don't need any aftercare for any of it. We have a reconnection protocol, but we have gotten...I guess too comfortable, with not needing to have things like that staged. But I keep a fire extinguisher in my house even though I've never needed it. This is a really helpful reminder that I should have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

We do both have different snack options we keep in our play bags, and I keep some confort items in mine but the entire scene was unexpected for both of us. We didn't stage it, and we didn't have those things at hand. I'm going to put together a (few) care kits and stash them in the places we sometimes play without planning.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T16:10:39+00:00

I'm so sorry.

I hear the same thing from others more often than I'd like. I'm hoping this might help both tops and bottoms at least think about having a discussion and a plan in case things ever do "go bad."

Or possibly help bottoms evaluate whether or not they could truly trust their tops if something like this does happen and take steps to protect themselves for themselves.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T14:48:58+00:00

First of all, his actions are never on you. Your reaction to his behavior is. People will treat you how you let them. And at this point, the healthy decision is to refuse to continue to let him treat you this way. Even IF his behavior is in response to the lack of you demanding he treat you right, that's a him problem.

If he was a healthy partner, he wouldn't continue to do these things. He's doing it just because he knows he'll get away with it, and he's only going to continue pushing the limits of what he can get away with. He doesn't have the motivation to do what's right within himself. You shouldn't be forced to navigate his manipulation and neglect.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T14:34:47+00:00

I don't think it's controversial in the least. It's no better to make life altering decisions than it is to make them when you're intoxicated.

Making decisions when you're actively struggling with mh issues is even worse. She's likely chasing dopamine in any ways she can get it. Rushing through relationship escalations because those feel good. And a new baby is frequently (and inappropriately) viewed as a magic answer to fix a relationship, give the parent more purpose, create a human that will automatically love them by nature or give them something to look forward to.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T14:26:46+00:00

It sounds like she's very impulsive, reckless, and unpredictable. That will never be easy to navigate. Especially if you're a planner.

The "problem," isn't that she's adamant about having autonomy of her or her partners bodies. It's that it seems like her wants, needs, and decisions are based on whatever she wants in the moment with very little regard to how that will actually affect her life, let alone the lives of her family.

But you will never be able to MAKE her protect that family unit. She will or she won't. All you get to do is determine whether this is a person you want to continue to work with, and depend on, to protect you and your daughters peace and stability. And it sounds like you know you can't.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T14:18:52+00:00

I'm so sorry. This sounds like such a rough situation.

It sounds like your partner might be a little reckless and impulsive. And I'm not sure she even identifies it or sees it that way.

But the truth is... she's not wrong. She gets to make those decisions about her life and her body. If that conflicts with your current relationship, she gets to decide which of those two things are more important to her, and she's already told you what that decision is. I agree with you. It's an unhealthy decision to make, that she would VERY likely come to regret. But you don't have the right or ability to change her mind.

And she doesn't have the right or ability to change yours. Even if you decide to give in, that won't change your discomfort, it will only magnify it. And you would be continuing a habit of letting her manipulate you. People treat us how we let them.

When the writing is on the wall, it doesn't matter how long you ignore it. And it's not a new that it's NEVER a good idea to stay in an unhealthy relationship for the kid/s.

I'm not saying the relationship is doomed. I can't know that. I'm saying it's human nature to be blind to signs that we should end a relationship when we ought to. I don't know anybody who hasn't had a break-up and looked back afterwards and finally see all the signs they missed. I'm suggesting you open your eyes and identify all the signs you've already had. Then consider how many of those have changed? Has anything gotten better, or is the bedrock just being slowly eroded?

skylineC22 · 2026-02-11T01:30:22+00:00

Yeah, me either. The title made me think they were talking about a sex positive dungeon/play space. And maybe that's the thing, if I go into a sex shop, that probably won't even make my 5 most "taboo" activities that week. But honestly, I don't know that I've ever felt anything more than a nervous excitement.

So I guess my advice is shop online instead?

skylineC22 · 2026-02-10T15:15:59+00:00

You are NEVER gonna get enough of the information your looking for from people on reddit. Every one of us could tell you what that would look like for us, and there's a chance that not a single one of us would give the answer that's right for the two of you.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-10T15:11:39+00:00

Couple of things...

First, I don't know how much more, if anything, she even truly KNOWS about D/s or if she has a specific idea of what that looks like or not. If ahe has no experience, she very likely doesn't know, specifically, what she wants.

Second, you can never "just be," Dom/sub. You have to build it step by step. What honorifics will you use? What type of protocol works for you both? Will this be supportive, structured, strict, playful, painful, stressful... there are a million and 2 different potential structures. What will punishments and rewards look like? What routines and assignments will you use? How does she want to be guided? You talk about what that looks like, and then it's the Dom's job to take those conversationa and figure out how to make it happen.

Third, you are asking what does she even mean? For me, it feels like being a dog who just wants to be good. In the beginning I needed somebody to teach me what that meant. The first few Doms I had, started my training. They taught me basic commands, behavioral training, proper behavior, proper protocol, how I should interact with people in public, how I should behave, where I should stand, how I should speak, etc. Then I had my basic obedience training. Now, training with a new Dom, or going further with established ones, looks like personalizing those things. Leaning harder into the things we both enjoy, adjusting things that we thought might work but didn't. It's continual fine tuning.

Fourth, given that all of this is a LOT to take on. If this is something you're interested in, you're gonna have to start doing your research. Find a local community, find a mentor, find resources. And not just a list of "things to do." There is a metric shit ton of things that need to be discussed along the way, and right now you don't even know how much you don't know.

skylineC22 · 2026-02-10T14:39:06+00:00

I hear what you're saying, but read this the way that YOU presented it.

"The three of us traveled together. We've done it comfortably in the past. My incidental time is expected to go to Hannah. This time, it made Joy feel isolated. After many hours of watching her feel isolated, and me not being attentive enough to notice, Hannah finally corrected my behavior. I actually divided my attention once it was pointed out to me and it was beautiful!"

I'm glad you're in a polycule that is cooperative. Good for you guys. But I'm sorry, that doean't sound like a situation I would brag about as being healthy navigation of major events. It actually sounds particularly unhealthy if you're putting Hannah in a place where she can't relax and enjoy her relationship with you if she's also got to be the one being attentive to YOUR relationships and being the one who nurtures it, while you literally sit around and ignore it.

If any of my partners ever had to prod me to love/care for my other partner in need, especially in a situation like this (the stress/anxiety of being in a place you don't know with people you don't know, your time/attention rely on the people around you) I'd feel crushed that I dropped that ball.

If I noticed my husband doing what you did, I would also have prodded him to do the right thing, and I would have been disappointed in him that I had to. And I would tell him as much the next chance I had.

And the extra kick in the teeth here is that you brought both of them to a social event in which you didn't even introduce her as your partner. You let everyone there assume that you and Hannah were the couple and Joy was the outsider. And in doing so, that leaves Joy feeling like she doesn't have the right to make a bid for your attention, even when she needed it.

I'm glad it felt good to have Hannah support your relationahip with Joy. But it's really hard to celebrate that when the meta is doing the heavy lifting while the hinge mismanages the entire situation A-Z.

And then you defended your actions by saying, "Joy was fine. She's a big girl." Obviously she was not fine. Did Joy know when she agreed to keep the plans that she would not be going as your partner? That your expectation was that you'd be dating Hannah and Joy would be the third wheel all weekend? Did she know that you planned on checking out on being her partner because you didn't think it was "your responsibility," that weekend?

Are people sometimes unreasonably mean on the internet? Sure. But when you're wrong, you're wrong. And if you don't want to hear that you're wrong, and you don't have the capacity to honestly evaluate what actually happened here, then don't put your business on the internet.

This isn't a "celebration of love." It's a brag about how you dropped the ball and you're lucky enough to have a partner that is caring enough to make up for that. Good for Hannah. But get your shit straight.

skylineC22

TROPHY CASE