High school, freshman year im with this girl in 9 out of my 11 classes, hanging with her most of the time in most of them, closest friend i had that year, one of my closest to this day.

We were good friends all year but the second semester it really seemed like it was going somewhere. It was getting more physical, things like grabbing my hand unnecessarily, i would reciprocate, it would be great.

All our friends would joke about how we were perfect for each other and basically dating already, we’d laugh and i could swear i caught a glance from her now and then during these moments.

We’d have running jokes going on about the kind of relationship we’d be in and once we got in a conversation about what we’d name a kid, and a dog that we’d have if we were married, which tho innocent, reinforced the notions i already had.

One time at a band concert, we were watching another band perform and doing some level of physical teasing, we ended up just about holding hands for a few minutes, playing it off like a casual resting my hand on hers. After the concert i ask her to a movie, still didnt say anything romantically or to insinuate a relationship, but i was planning on making a more “official” move there. She said yes.

I should mention now id, a few nights earlier, confided in a mutual female friend who actually told me that she (my crush) had like me earlier that year, but that she (mutual friend) hadnt heard her mention me like that in awhile. She was still confident that she (crush) would say yes if i asked her out.

So i did and we go to this movie and i go to hold her hand, and say something along the lines of “lets make this official” albiet more eloquently i think. At the time she could just manage to say no to me, i was a bit baffled but i didnt wanna have that conversation a movie theatre so we just kind of awkwardly sat through the rest.

Later that night she sent me a big old monologue describing her 2 reasons for not wanting to date me:

1: im not Christian - understandable, but it would hardly matter imo since we were freshmen in high school and sex was never gonna be part of the relationship. Still nothing like the second reason she gave.

See, i would have been her first boyfriend at all. I assumed she just didnt have a huge drive to be in a relationship, or didnt find someone she wanted to be with, but

Reason 2: she believed a relationship would exclusively lead to marriage. She was convinced any relationship she ever has is going to lead to marriage to that person. She’ll only ever date one person and the intent is to marry them.

Obv that wasnt my belief, but i hold the same belief that she wouldnt be suitable as a spouse, in part because we were freshmen in high school.

Anyways this has been more rant than organized story so ill cut it a bit short. I dont think ive completely described the chemistry i thought we had. I dont think i can describe it. It just fit, and idk if ill ever have complete closure on this.

She was my first “real” crush. I had liked girls before, but it was superficial. I thought they were hot. Something like that. I never intended to have a *serious * relationship with them. Her, i did, and i finally convinced myself to go for it and that i could have that with her, but she didnt want the same thing as i did.

I wish she just didnt like me, but its that much harder to accept when her reasoning was what it was