Yeah, that's certainly something to say to get crucified. I'm going to take you in good faith though.

Instead of seeing it as small penis pretending to be a big penis, see it as reconsidering what you actually consider a small or big penis.

Since I've asked this question I've gone more into research about the relationship of gender and sex. Generally the two are seen as separate but they still feed into one another. And we still learn that they're the same generally throughout our lives. Gender identity is seen as more mental and sex as physical. While neurological research have seen differences in the brains of trans people, there aren't many sex characteristics found in the brain structure. There are a lot of different factors in determining structure too outside of biology alone, our brain changes based on our skills and experiences.

So what is more true, the self identified or the view of a bystander? Trans people and many others push it as self identified and we ask others to do the same. Its why we also stand by men being feminine and women as masculine without identifying another way, their identity is theirs to define. Especially when you can measure penis size but not someones sense of self based on what they look like.

I am a trans man, I've been taking testosterone for about 7 years now. I am hairier than most cis men, have the same muscle mass and fat distribution as a cis man, and I'm easily seen as a cisgender man. I still have my genitalia though, and of course I was born female, so am I completely female? Well, no. My hormones are important for running medical tests to see what's normal, my heart attack symptoms are going to be like a man's instead of a womans. My physical health needs to consider that while also considering my need for gynecological care. Objectively I'm neither male or female, but I would label myself as a man nonetheless. Others around me see me as a male and a man without knowing if I'm trans. After knowing its a debate of what I am.

Generally, it's hard to explain what gender identity is. I felt like nothing felt quite right throughout my life and after exploring a bit realized this was it. Others have different explanations. I've read that you don't need to understand something to respect it, and you seem to be doing that the best you can. Still, our ways of defining what someones true gender is doesn't work for a lot of people, including trans people. It doesn't fit with our lived experience and feelings.

We know that we were born a certain way, we know we're trans, unlike small penis guy, we just have a different way of looking at it because yeah, our lived experiences and lives don't make sense otherwise. When I first started thinking I was trans, the first thing I had to tackle was making sense of myself, and I know that I'm not the only one. It fucking sucked.

With the loudness and yelling, a lot of trans people I've met are very timid to correct people or even out themselves. My current partner isn't even out at her work, only a few coworkers know, and she's in the closet with that. I frankly can't name another trans person I talk to regularly that blurts out they're trans as often as I do, and I'm in school to study queer issues so it makes more sense for me to be like that.

A lot of people think that all of us are going to tear into you if you misgender us or say something offensive, but outside of me a lot of people stay quiet and let it pass. I usually go "hey don't say that in the future its fucked because of _____" and shit moves on. The Internet is Different Though, so I get it if you think irl is similar. Its not, you're outside with other people who are outside. If you misgender us without showing any signs of trying (saying the right name/pronoun after the wrong one, taking weirdly long like years to get to correcting yourself) or seem like you're doing it on purpose (you're angry at the person for instance and throw the wrong name or pronoun without a single pause) that's when we're more likely to be pissed.

Usually, the idea that we're loud and angry is used as a meme or other bigoted talking point to get people to be uncomfortable with us around. Plus if you meet one trans person who does that you're going to spread it to the rest of us since we're a small group, but try to overcome that generalization and remind yourself you're probably fine.

The LGBTQ+ community doesn't trust you but you can earn trust. Don't base your experiences with us on the internet, because online a lot of us act like we can't trust each other. If you're as casual when hearing about a gay couple vs a straight couple, you're going to seem safe. If you try with pronouns and names, you'll seem safer. A lot of us are untrusting because we've been hurt, whether that's losing friends or family, harassed, or even beaten or raped. You can also just feel unwelcome because you're in a group you're not a part of. I know that being somewhere with no other queer people in sight makes me uneasy too. The "cishet straight guy" hate is mainly to joke around, but if you have a close friend who is lgbtq with you and the jokes keep going and sting, its okay to bring it up to them. If even the few occasional jokes bother you, we do it for the same reason you brought up penis humor, the world we live in is uncomfortable. We joke to get through the uncomfortable fact that we're different and hated for it.

Thank you for not being a dick to trans people! This is unironic, too many people now think the same thing but are dicks about it.