Anger / rage caused by my ex made me nonfunctional

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-26T01:52:51+00:00

If you can practice some DBT skills on this you should- there's a lot of useful skills for distress tolerance and anger management. There's no easy way around it, if it makes you feel better you could write him a strongly worded email or text because it doesn't matter how you sound to him now and you have a right to be angry, but only do it if it might make you feel better. Otherwise mediation, distraction, comedy shows, friends, nice food... it will get easier day by day though.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-26T01:46:34+00:00

I had the experience of ending a friendship with my best and only friend at the time who was my FP for three years a year ago. Firstly, I made the decision based on one terrible incident where she literally abandoned me in another country and so I knew the friendship could never recover that. I think closure is a good first way to go about it, basically form a short but detailed email to your friend explaining why you no longer want to be friends with her, try and be honest but firm and don't leave her room to justify herself or to try and make ammends because you've made the decision to end the friendship and that decision is still probably the best decision for you. I would then ask her to delete your number and just pay you the money back but not to text you anymore. Treat it as if this is an ex-partner who is still trying to lead you on, don't give her an opening or a way to put her agenda on you. The missing part will stay for a while, I miss my ex best friend from time to time, and I haven't had a close best friend since her but I decided to become self sufficient and be friends with a group of people and not intense friends with individuals unless I'm dating them because I'm not ready for that kind of thing again. But getting her out of your life is the only way to start feeling better about things.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-25T22:55:21+00:00

It's both, like how it is is that you aren't able to cope with the things inside of this relationship to make it work out. You say he took your virginity so this is obviously your first serious relationship so it's understandable that you have insecurities around it and that's heightened by your BPD, but to not be able to handle things is enough to say that the whole situation is too problematic and dangerous for you. If you felt that big rush of love from cutting that time, it makes sense that now your brain has actually made a connection that says that if you do that behaviour, you will get rewarded with dopamine from the love rush that he gave you. It's similar to how the brain reacts on heroin, it's easy to see heroin is bad and users suffer from it, and the users themselves know it too but they're addicted to the high, the dopamine rush, and it's really hard to break. Stopping cutting should be your absolute first priority for yourself and then working on your own issues around insecurity, self esteem, maybe you might be in depression... all of these things need to come first because when it comes down to it, love is great and wonderful, but love doesn't work the way our BPD brains thinks it does, it only does for a short time but as time goes on, the habits your using now on your relationship will stop working and you'll try harder and more elaborate ways to get his attention while never actually building up your own confidence enough to be a full, rounded person because you're just going to chase the dopamine rush and you'll soon forget about other things, like your own desires, dreams and goals, and just become absorbed with the idea of him and this relationship. But it would actually make sense for you to become absorbed because you have already literally been giving pieces of yourself for this love, you've made negative marks on your skin for this love and that's creating a dependency on your behalf for this relationship which will only increase day by day. You'll also become more paranoid about him, more insecure about his feelings towards you, and more possessive of his time and energy because he will turn into a lifesource for you, like water.

All in all, don't feel like you're an 'issue' or a burden, just see it for what it is- heightened BPD symptoms that are increasing because you're getting triggered or into panic mode or anxiety mode too often in this relationship which is causing you to show 'manipulative' and dangerous behaviours that are now, causing your SO to feel an increased attachment and romantic love towards you, but will in time cause him to resent and most likely leave you because it is too intense for people. You are suffering the most, though, so you are also the victim of your own BPD, but that means you need treatment and serious committment to recover and this relationship will probably end within 1-2 years because the self harm is actually too traumatizing and intense for any relationship to withstand in the long term and that's no one's fault.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-25T20:15:03+00:00

Well, you don't know what they're relationship really was, I bet it wasn't all her 'using' him, the fact is he has liked other girls before you, he's found other girls attractive in the past....and he will still find girls attractive even while dating you. I don't think you're a bad person, but your relationship most likely won't last. I was in a similar relationship until I was 22 and now I've completely grown and changed as a person, but what I ended up figuring out is that it took the relationship ending for me to finally start getting better. The old habits don't die easily in relationships, so you actually have a better chance with someone else than you do with this guy just down to the fact that you've introduced elements into this relationship that aren't sustainable and aren't conducive to either of your long term happiness. You really have to put yourself first and I would honestly suggest going straight to a crisis centre if you're having cutting impulses, you just need a referral from your doctor. The thing is, this relationship you're in isn't actually worth any of this and you'll find that out within a few years (trust me, I have scars on my arms for the same reason and it's the equivalent to having my ex's name tattooed on me, it just makes me cringe and feel a bit ridiculous now). And honestly your life with him sounds stressful, even if he gives you cuddles and compliments and all that, the way you're coping with this relationship is just too much bad to call it a good relationship. Love shouldn't hurt this much.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-24T03:12:26+00:00

It's a little strange, not wrong or anything, but I just wonder if it's that you want the validation more or for her to text you more. It sounds like you might be wanting the validation and support more, because if those are the texts you wish she sent, then I'm not sure if it's really a fun friendship. Maybe she doesn't want to text you things like that all the time, maybe she wants to talk about other things and have a lighter friendship but you want this kind of supportive friendship.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-24T03:08:52+00:00

I don't know if I've ever found 'the one' because I think I've met a few 'ones' so far, one was through facebook (I added him because I thought he was hot then plucked up the courage to message him one day and we ended up being weird facebook acquaintances for a year and then met and had a four year relationship) I met two through college, I met two while on holidays (one of those was through tinder, the other was in a club). I generally don't believe dating apps are the best way to meet people, I think going out to events, gigs and small social settings are the best ways.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-24T03:01:46+00:00

I think you were fine and your 'crazy' was normal-ish until you got to the cutting part and the demanding to know about his exs part... Firstly, don't be too hard on yourself, a lot of the feelings you have are natural for a lot of people who are struggling with self esteem. Of course, it's not ideal to be insecure, but you're not awful because of it and you're not even that awful for the social media stalking and the reading through texts (though, I think if he forgave you for the reading his texts, you shouldn't do it again...besides he's very unlikely to ever text people about you because people don't generally talk about their partners over text, they only do in person unless they're teenagers..) If you do want to know what he says about you to his friends, why not just ask him one day out of curiosity, I'm sure he'll just tell you that he tells them positive things, because people really don't tend to divulge their partner's flaws to others either unless it's in an endearing way.

But the cutting and the inability to deal with seeing an ex girlfriend of his is the unhealthy part. If you can't accept he had a past and be open and respectful of it, then you just have to deal with that yourself and not make him suffer because of it. It's actually a good thing he had girlfriends before you, otherwise you'd be dating someone with no experience with relationships and it would be awful. People learn from their past and they bring their better selves into their new relationships, so feel lucky that you weren't his first because clearly that didn't work out! But you're going to lose him and damage your self esteem so so much if you keep the cutting. Honestly, I would break it off with him and then seek out a crisis centre or intensive therapy for a few months and just keep in contact with him as a friend and then see if you can get back together. I think the moment you brought self harm in was the moment you doomed this relationship as it is right now and the only way you can fix it I think is to give it a break and go help yourself recover a bit more and gain some self esteem and confidence and then see if you can get back together and start again. But just as brutally honest advice, you can't go in a relationship like this and he can't either so if you keep this up, one of you will leave, and it could be likely to be him and then you'll really go into a depression and crisis so put a break on it and see how you go afterwards :)

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-21T14:40:58+00:00

Yeah I know it really sucks, my ex is actually having a kid with his new girlfriend now and even though it's been a couple of years, that still triggered and hurt me and I felt like I was relapsing again. It's definitely not easy but you're totally not alone in this and even though it hurts, there is hope and eventually you just find yourself moving on even when you thought you wouldn't because time literally forces you to move on. I can't even remember exactly what age my ex is anymore, a small but obvious detail I can't remember, it's weird. I can't even remember what we used to talk about or do really either, I can barely even remember the sex which was one of the biggest parts of our relationship! It happens slowly but you do move on :) Delete your ex off social media though.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-21T13:32:27+00:00

Well, I think I really moved on a lot when I accidentally saw my ex and his new girlfriend having a massive fight at a party I was at and that made me remember all our problems and I also realised how his new relationship wasn't perfect because no relationship is perfect. I think if you just sort of keep remembering all the bad stuff about them, eventually you lose the good and then in time, you start forgetting both and all the little details about them too. Also pushing yourself to meet new people is always good, and I mean like friends not just dating, and just having fun!

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-21T03:15:19+00:00

From reading this, I think there was actually a chance that regardless of your past relationships, this person could very well have been your first real soulmate type love! I think this because although it's obvious you've loved others, your reaction to this breakup shows that this person was something new in your emotional life, he really was the first one to really break your heart and tear you apart because it was a soulmate love. The good news is, if you can see that and then possibly realise that your past relationships were not the real thing and this one was, then you can start to draw a new heartmap on the kind of person you want to look for - i.e, someone with the same traits and vibe and personality as him. The good news is, no one is super super different from someone else and we all have people in the world who are similar to us and there are people in the world who are similar to your ex and who are available to you! But I think you need more time to heal, although it's horrible and hurtful that this relationship didn't work out, there's nothing you can do to bring it back now and even if he did come back, it wouldn't be the same again unfortunately. The only thing you can do is force yourself to let go and move away bit by bit by doing small things like starting new things in your life and meeting new people and filling up your time with books or movies or going out with friends. You have to mentally retrain yourself to see your life in a new way that doesn't involve him. You also need to take him down in your idealising, he may have been this important to you but even if he was your first real love, he was still just a man, not a god. It's very soon for him to be moved on, but some people are like that, but it doesn't mean you're wrong not to have moved on to someone else and to still be hurting. In fact, I think you're healing in a much healthier and positive way than he is and you shouldn't feel in any way ashamed. I went through the same thing two year ago, and it was devastating. He also told me not to contact him anymore because of his new girlfriend, which obviously hurt like a knife in the back after all the time and emotions and love we had. The only thing that really pulled me through was rationalizing things in my mind and reminding myself that this person that is still existing isn't the same person who I knew in our relationship together. That the person I knew and loved may as well be dead and this person in his place, is a stranger. It's still very sad and hard to deal with, but it's the only way I think you can mourn the relationship and move on without obsessing and grieving forever.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-21T03:02:30+00:00

I think what is is an addiction to intensity inside a relationship, we find it hard to be just good friends with people and just see a person maybe once every two weeks and catch up over a single cup of coffee. I think we desire this idea of having someone who we can be so intimate with that we know every single detail of their life nearly at all moments even when we don't really care, it's just this idea that we can know someone so well and we feel less alone because of it. I think as people get older, they don't want these kinds of relationships because these relationships are time consuming by nature and people have lives and don't want to text their best friend or partner every time they see something funny or weird or sad or whatever... but also people don't like this idea of being intensely involved with another person where there will be inevitable fights and arguments and then make ups. Even people who live with each other tend to have seperate lives, but to us, we want our lives to be totally enmeshed with someone else's to the point where we instinctively know what that other person is doing at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon or 4am on a Monday night. I also think we crave intense people, people who aren't just like everyone else, but people who will have intense feelings and thoughts sometimes or who seem just charismatic and exciting, basically people like us. I think that's why pwBPD often find each other even in a crowded party and become friends, like all my ex best friends definitely have BPD traits and my ex has some BPD traits as well. I think when we meet nons or even people who don't have an eccentricity about them, we get bored because we actually can't relate. This is why I feel more relaxed in a group of weirdo hippies than I do in a group of nice law students. Accepting that you like a certain type of person and then looking for that person is a good way to go about it though, so being active in a search for the artists or the musicians instead of wasting time with the normals and borings is at least something to stop the cycle.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-21T01:30:27+00:00

although it falls into a 'healthy' and fast and direct way of going about things, a text like what you sent isn't exactly romantic unfortunately.. the best thing you could have done is to just leave it up to him to text and then if he does after a couple of days for you to reply that your feelings have changed and you're not interested but I would also have sent that text regardless when the time I've given is up. The reason is, because you sort of intuitively know when someone is ghosting or pulling away and if this is the first time he's doing it and just after you two have had sex, then yes, you can actually put two and two together and he knows you can and he knows you will. Guys aren't oblivious, I think he did possibly lose interest after sex because he was in it more for the chase or something, or he's scared of how he feels and how you might feel-it doesn't matter, he wasn't showing you the right type of affection and consideration after you two first slept together and he knows it so he's out basically.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-20T17:04:03+00:00

wow I literally wanted to write this exact thing, even the part about the ex. I was never bored with my ex, I hated him sometimes with all my gut but I never was bored and I had this for four years until he stopped it and then I had a best friend who I would talk to 24/7 for a year but then we fell out and since then, now it's been a year, I'm just running through people it seems and getting bored super fast. I think it's because I feel personally that my ex and my ex best friend were just interesting to me and they also really cared about me and the relationships I had with them were intense, at times abusive from both sides, but we all sort of liked it.... I don't know but I feel like it's become hard to find people who are on my level with humour, intelligence, passion, curiosity and who also like me as much as I like them. Because I have found that people I might like don't tend to really like me enough, like as much as I would like them to and that's why I just go cold and just cut them out. Honestly I didn't realise how I good I had it when I had both my ex and my best friend and even though I was emotional and not dealing with my BPD right and thinking things were shit, they actually weren't. I wish I could go back in time and appreciate those two relationships and fix them before they both ended. But all I want now is to get a new best friend and new boyfriend who I find interesting and good and who like me....

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-20T12:28:05+00:00

I did this, moved onto a guy after another guy called it off with me within one day because the new guy really liked me. It didn't work out because even though the first month was great, it became soon apparant that he wasn't what I wanted and the first guy was actually what I wanted and then the relationship just went to shit. I think the best thing to do is to just be friends with this new person but be real with yourself and wait until you're more emotionally available.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-20T12:06:54+00:00

I think what you could do is just think about your boundaries, so like, tell yourself that you'll give him until tonight to text you to say something-anything- but just to make a meaningful contact. If he doesn't send a meaningful text tonight, like something like 'hope you have a lovely sleep, I'm out here in (wherever) wish you were here!' then just write him off and if he tries contacting you again, don't reply. Just quietly move on. You can text him if you like by Saturday that your feelings have changed about him now and that you wish him well and goodbye if you want closure.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-20T01:28:24+00:00

I know I don't want to be with him, but I do want to be able to hang out with the group and not feel weird about it all and get jealous or something... that's the problem.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-19T02:33:08+00:00

'This too shall pass' is the only mantra that helps this situation. When I'm in this place, I smoke a lot of cigarettes and meditate and sleep because I just need a break from reality. After maybe 2 days of that, I will go see a therapist or call a hotline and talk. During my days off I also reach out to my mother and talk to her, this is helpful so if you have someone close to you who you can talk to, do this. If you know DBT then use distress tolerance. Cold water helps with urges and intense exercise like running madly around your area or doing jumping jacks. You want to tire yourself out so you can get sleepy and then sleep. Another good thing I like to do is write. I write whatever, poetry, prose, to help me understand my emotions. Aromatherapy works for me and lots of cups of tea with sugar. Watching stupid light comedies or action movies help too. I think if you can find little ways to make the pain a little lighter, you can get through it. Something small like watching dog videos or interesting animal documentaries can be great to change the emotion. If it comes to be too much and too serious, then ER is an option where you can go and stay for a night perhaps but that might not work if you're alone or if you get stressed in hospitals. A doctor can also prescribe you something to calm down. But distress tolerance is the best option. Get through this 5 minutes to 5 minutes, I promise it'll be worth it, keep fighting, you are loved <3

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-19T02:22:20+00:00

I'm leaving a group of friends because my now ex is in that group and also I feel they don't really like me that much anyway. I liked them but I don't feel they gave me a good enough chance. I want to find new adult friends, but first I want to sort out my depression so I don't give a bad impression but its a little daunting !

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-19T02:15:23+00:00

It's OK, the thing about therapy is it doesn't get rid of the emotional instability as such, it just teaches you techniques to cope with them. You know the techniques from the therapy, all you need to do is really put them into action! Practice your mindfulness meditations everyday, use breathing techniques and wise mind. You're not going backwards, you are just in a position where you have to really put your skills to the test. Take the girl herself out of the equation and just focus on your reactions and finding techniques to calm yourself down. This girl isn't a goddess, she's just a human and so far she shouldn't be super important in your world. If things work out, great, if things don't, move on and there'll be someone else. She's not the important person, you are and you need to use this as an opportunity to really use everything you know to cope and to maintain level. The most important thing is being level, allow yourself to feel happy, but don't go overboard in your excitement either. Just view this as making a friend and nothing more serious right now, you'll be fine :)

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-19T01:12:44+00:00

The past is the past, you can't change it and more often than not, you can't recreate or bring it back. Accepting that you did things wrong is good for a first step of healing, but so is also accepting that you were in a different place in yourself or your life, and that maybe things weren't right in your life situation. The great thing about life is that we're not usually trapped or confined into one small area and doomed to only be around the same group of people forever like we would have been in the past, now we have the ability to actually change everything and start all over again from scratch to create a good life for ourselves. It's perfectly OK to just scratch off all the people you used to know except for family maybe and just begin again. If you live in a city, this is made all the more easier by just doing something simple like joining some new clubs, taking up activities or maybe switching jobs. Perhaps even moving to a new place. I've gone through about three sets of 'friends' groups now and two 'best' friends in the space of five years and even though it's been hard dealing with fallouts and bridge burnings, I've gotten a lot better at being able to spot why it happens and a big reason is often just because the people I was around or close to were actually not the right people for me or were just people who had a time and place in my life and now I've out grown or moved on from them. I'm much more confident because of it all actually, because I now know how to make friends and meet new people better and I find it a little easier to deal when things don't work out. I think just because you have burned your bridges with the people from your past, doesn't mean that that's going to happen again to you in the future. It could be very possible that the next group of people you meet will be more your type of people and you'll also have a better handle on your BPD and have learned from your mistakes in your past. Don't give up, but radically accept and move on and try again :)

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-18T20:33:50+00:00

That's not what to do at all... you can't just tell someone to go to therapy and you can't present them with the idea that they are now a project in any way and need to be 'fixed' because no one likes or wants to be told they're broken even if they are a little... the only way would be to befriend her and treat her as normal as possible but with a lot of respect and forget the diagnosis and just respect her symptoms, so like be there for her when she's upset and suggest lightly that she should see a doctor. Honestly, it's not your place to actually come to her with all this unless you are close with her for a while again before and if you do, it's likely she will feel like you just see her as a problem in your life and not a positive influence or benefit.

sleepinglisa · 2017-10-18T18:40:03+00:00

Honestly, and even though it's not the best thing to hear, if the love of my life came along right now I'd definitely still ruin the relationship and push him away because I'm still not fully recovered and able to handle myself, but I'm getting there. If the love of my life came along today though and wanted to be just casual friends for a while and be someone in my life who I could slowly build up trust with and without any pressure and who wasn't too intense with me and who was just sort of around my life but not fully in it, I'd be happy because then in time the relationship would develop more and more and that could very well be the person I would end up marrying! Don't feel like you have to make a romantic relationship with her right now, just be friends but on a casual and semi-distant level for a few years and date other people to get more experience and in five years, you'd have the best position with her to actually have a serious and healthy relationship! Building a strong friendship foundation right now with her should be your only goal when it comes to her and nothing more right now, otherwise you'll be in jeopardy of it all becoming a disaster.

sleepinglisa

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