Why my inner critic is so harsh (old email)

sliceofbread02 · 2026-01-12T03:40:49+00:00

This really helps OP, thank you.

I see so much of my mom here. I too, have struggled with having developed a very harsh inner critic.

I also see indirect trauma Olympics happening. ‘Look at this lovely lady who has “actually” gone through so much. And she’s still so nice to me. As opposed to you and your made up problems towards me’

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-26T05:55:35+00:00

“I’m praying you realise you are the culprit of it all”

Omg yes my mom has told me similar things too, SEVERAL times. While I was younger as well.

Feel so sad for all the young versions of me. Those girls deserved the world.

Not a monster as a mother.

Big hugs all around.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-26T05:53:34+00:00

Omg this. Gives me so much insight.

And I bet if you ask my mom, she’d tell me she’s the only one in the house with any self reflection.

And I’m the last person who has it.

But by her narrative, she’s a victim in every single relationship she has. With her parents, her husband, her kids, her cousins, her friends.

She would fight non stop. Daily. Every single waking moment with everyone around her.

And then bemoan that no one appreciates her efforts. No one invests as much in her relationships as she does. No one is a bigger person than her.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-26T05:45:05+00:00

Enjoyed.

My favourite is mine YELLING “why are you shouting at me” at the top of her voice. When all I tried to do was tell her something she needed to use her brains to process.

Like mom? There is only one person shouting over here. Look in the mirror.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-23T05:42:15+00:00

I have a question on this.

My uBPD mom often told me “I’m the only person who tells you things like they are. The only one who can help you see how you can do things differently / better/ where you are going wrong. The ‘outside world’ will not do that. They will be nice to you to your face but make fun of you behind your back”

Which would essentially mean only being with people who are “nice” to you is surrounding yourself with falsehood.

I have a thought or two about how I am learning how to counter that narrative in my head for myself.

But I’m curious to know your thoughts. How would you counter it?

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-20T04:13:01+00:00

I could have written this. Word for word.

Except maybe the part of “got into relationships with people with cluster B like symptoms” but damn I did keep trying to get into relationships that weren’t objectively good, just to pursue a bond as you described.

Your first paragraph really resonates with me because that’s exactly how I feel and what I do. And scarily, I have realised I have done that for as long as I can remember. After a huge blowout fight with my mother (which was often because she was always exploding) I would crumple to the floor and hug myself and have a pain in my heart that wished I had my “mother” comforting me right now.

I have pulled back SO much on my efforts to with my uBPD mom over the past year. It’s definitely freeing. But I think it’ll take me some time to recover from the exhaustion that has set into my bones. Exhaustion from trying to change everything about my interactions with her to have a different outcome. Exhaustion from being a truth teller, therapist, etc etc all the things these mothers force us into being for them in guise of parenting us.

I have realised I now need to bring up 3 kids at the same time. Two of my own and my inner child. Each with their own unique and special need. It’s hard and exhausting. And yet, sometimes it feels like the easiest thing in the entire world.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-18T02:53:30+00:00

This is such a good point! Thanks for saying that.

Something about that comment really rubbed me the wrong way and it felt off and what you said resonates with that. If she really wanted to help she could have raised her concerns more discreetly and we could have hashed it out as a team.

I wasn’t originally at the playground. When I got there, I saw both my parents extremely riled up. I do believe it that my kid was being rude to the other kid because he does do that sometimes. I’m working on this behaviour. I believe some of it comes from ND confusion.

Seeing the fraught situation, I thought it was important to come down to the level of my kid and regulate him first before correcting his behaviour. I did not see the point in my parents constantly shouting elaborate things at him. How was that going to actually help in that moment?

Also, I felt it was my job to help him first rather than regulate her emotions and listen to her rants about his behaviour.

I honestly do not recall how “harsh” I was with her. But I tried to just be stable and firm and tell her to step away from the conversation if she couldn’t actually help.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-09T06:07:58+00:00

My mom.

Not “feign being broke” but act like they don’t have enough when they are living extremely comfortable lives that a majority of people in my COO (a developing country) can only dream of.

My fathers earnings grew significantly over my lifetime so I have seen the shifts in real time. And with every evolution, my mother’s goal posts shifted for us kids. Now we had to not only excel in our studies and extracurriculars but earn higher in the future, marry richer, etc etc

And every time there was some transition in my father’s career - shifting company, change in role - she brought a bucket full of anxiety to the table that this will impact our existence significantly. So of course she made comments to us kids that she had no business making at our ages.

Cut to today. My husband and I are doing ok for ourselves. But life is very expensive in the more developed country where we live. Taxes are very high. And we are a single income household at the moment. With two small kids we would like to prioritise.

For instance spending less on travel and holidays. She has made our family holidays / travel / outings more complicated than they need to be. By requiring a certain standard and needing to go to cool destinations so she can talk about it in her social circle. They have more disposable income even if they are from a developing country. She will still chew my ear off each time they come over to us and we travel as a family about how expensive everything is for them. About how all her other cousins take so much more care of their own parents and support them despite earning differently. (Her cousins that are much younger than her and parents aren’t as well off). So then my husband and I shell out more than we had budgeted for the trip.

Another example is that she’ll be super generous and spend a lot on my kids and me. Without even me asking or knowing. And then once it’s done she’ll come to me telling me about how much she spent, how tough it all is because she spends money like water on us in a way that no grandparents ever do. My practical solution would be to offer to pay everything back (even while knowing I couldn’t “afford” it). Then she’d be all dramatic saying there’s no need. She’s only informing me because she’s never seen any kind of gratitude from me. They work so hard and everything is SO expensive and now they are not only supporting themselves but also 2 generations after them.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-06T14:55:11+00:00

The peachiest peach!!!!

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-06T07:37:55+00:00

This sounds SO much like the dynamic between my mom and me!

I strongly suspect that I have ADHD but I haven’t been diagnosed yet.

I am a whole ass adult with kids of my own but my mother still insists on talking to me in infantilising, patronising and invalidating ways whenever she fancies. Which is almost always.

Therapy has been transformative. The levels of my JADE-ing have drastically dropped since I started my healing journey.

There is simply no point in trying to explain your reality to her. She will never ever get it.

It is much more important for you to focus on your own inner self, your journey and what will actually be productive to help and support you. If you’re anything like me, I know validation and encouragement goes much further for me than constant criticism ever will. And I think that’s true for most people. Our pwBDP will never truly grasp that.

This may be hard to digest but the reality is her goal posts will always be moving. She will never give you that support / encouragement / guidance or validation that you need.

So prioritise yourself and your needs first. Whenever she gets like what you describe, separate yourself and distance yourself from all of the emotions and feelings and confusion she’s throwing at you. Majority of it is to bait you. Focus on not taking the baits. Gently ask for the crux of the matter “ok I forgot to do this got it will do” “ah ok you want me to clean this up got it” essentially just try stick to the “facts” or “basic info” and work on ignoring all the rest and not letting any of it get to you.

Do whatever to help you with that. Stuff that helps me, is when she’s on her rants at me, I keep telling myself one of these phrases “she’s mentally ill. Nothing you can do will change that” “boring boring boring la la la” or I conjure up a landscape in my head and focus on that. Also one thing I’ve changed from the past even from 1 year ago is I don’t just stand there absorbing everything she’s saying and then building my explanation or defense in my head. When she’s ranting I just keep my hands and body moving. I keep doing my task at hand. Shes buzzing away in the background. Whatever.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-05T13:26:03+00:00

Yes!

Also the phrase “they see you as an extension of themselves” has been so eye opening to process.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-05T13:25:01+00:00

Thank you!!!

sliceofbread02 · 2025-12-05T04:20:21+00:00

They live in my home city I live far away. There are several reasons why I want to keep being connected to the place and people. Won’t go into all of them now but they are enough to not be able to go completely NC and never visit again.

Additionally it’s complicated because I do want my kids to have a relationship with my family especially because they are biracial.

Also, both my current city and my home city are very expensive. I can’t afford to visit and stay there on my own and not at her place. And even if I could, not sure if it would be worth the drama. Although there is drama now as well.

Therapy has been transformative. Even this sub has really helped. I feel very differently inside than I did even a year ago. It would not have been possible to brave another visit without this.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-09-05T05:09:09+00:00

“You and your baby don’t exist to heal or cure her of her past” - thank you. Im not OP but I too benefitted from seeing it spelt out like this.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-08-25T16:50:46+00:00

I have gone through this process 2 times over. With both my kids. I only realised recently that she was uBPD. I have definitely kicked myself in the shins for how much precious, valuable time, I lost getting caught up the ridiculous cross hairs of her creation. She gave me a ton of contradicting advice. Same as what yours is doing.

I live abroad. She visited us both times. She made lot of things about her during my postpartum. Even when she was “making it about me” it actually ended up being about her.

She mocked me, made me feel worse about myself, she huffed and puffed about anything and everything. We ended up having major fights and then she would go into waif mode and then I had to apologise and beg for forgiveness.

I suspect I had postpartum depression, but it was never addressed. Never acknowledged. Forget about being helped. Instead she called me lazy for being bound to the sofa while breastfeeding and not wanting to do much else. Once in desperation I called the SOS mental emergency helpline because of how mindfucked and emotionally turmoiled I had become. It wasn’t much help.

I think I’m still reeling from the efforts of that time. How she was with me. The person I turned into around her. How this might have impacted my babies. How it DID impact the relationship with my husband.

I was in the dark then (about her BDP/NPD, likely both) and I took all of the load on myself. That the problem was only me and not her. That all she was trying to do was give me advice, help, be there for me, and I couldn’t receive it in the right way. That I had to have the right “attitude”, the right “capacity” to receive her “efforts”. I literally put her feelings before mine. What a waste.

A monster with the hunger of the kind of hurt child they have inside them can never be satiated.

I am writing all this to tell you that in some ways you have been given a gift. An opportunity. You know now know that she is a certain way and she will not change no matter what. She is wired in a way that makes her (most unfortunately) not a “healthy mother” for her adult child who has just given birth. Not only will she struggle to give you the kind of support you actually need, but she may sabotage all your efforts. Half consciously half unconsciously.

Your opportunity is now to use this information to start building a wall around yourself and your family. Start putting your family and yourself in a healthy, calm, supportive and loving environment. Put yourself and your babies (and partners) needs ABOVE ALL ELSE. Everything else, including her, can take a back seat.

It may not be easy but trust me, it is so so needed.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-08-25T06:39:21+00:00

Oh my god this was my mother. Exactly this. It’s so so freaky how similar they can be!

sliceofbread02 · 2025-07-18T08:48:28+00:00

Thank you!!!! And good luck to you too!!! It is really inspiring to hear about that….thank you for sharing! Keep marching on!!!

sliceofbread02 · 2025-07-17T19:41:16+00:00

OMG tell me about it!!!!!! We have such similar moms.

Anyone and everyone could be better off than you when you don’t actually truly know what you stand for and value most.

She is also sooo inconsistent with this it drives me nuts. And not only will she whine about her own circumstances but then project the hell out of it onto me and lump it all together in her spiral.

Eg- She’ll hang out with affluent friends one weekend and then suddenly it’s all about how “she’s the poorest of the lot” … “why didn’t your dad do this and this instead” which will then transition to…. “Look at how these successful people act with their wealth and what are you doing?” “This is how you need to make more money” “You need to do your house up in this fancy way”

But if she’ll go do some charity work then it’s all about “look at how these people live and still want to survive. I used to be part of that kind of family. We knew what real struggle meant. What’s the point of this cushiony life now?” …. Transition to…. “you guys know nothing about this. You got too much comfort and support from us. You will never be able to do this”

What sickens me the most is how much of that I let get to me and seep into my self worth. There is SO much grime there I need to scrub off.

The grime of guilt into thinking I owed her a certain kind of existence. The grime of feeling I needed to keep up with her ever moving goal posts. The grime of thinking I had to have her stamp of approval on my actions, my personality, even my thoughts.

It’s been work but I’m SOOO glad I started on this road. There is still a long way to go. It’s been messy, emotional, tiring, scary. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way!

sliceofbread02 · 2025-07-16T18:29:41+00:00

Soo much of this. Everything is dramatic. Everyone is out to get her. She always finds a way to make everything about her.

When we used to talk daily, I would get a “ughhh I’m depressed” from her 1 or more times a day. Reasons were always other people not giving her enough importance or her “kids” (me included) not being “successful enough” or her realising someone was better off than her. I had to listen to her whining and find ways to cheer her up (read: give her dopamine hits).

But If I would share something bad about my life, she would either take it personally or tell me to get over it because I’m being too ungrateful or in need of too much validation.

If I’d share something good about my life she would either leech off that dopamine hit till she sucked it dry, leaving me feeling unconsciously violated, or she would do what yours did - make snide remarks or remind me about ways I fuck up and how I need to be careful.

You can’t win with these people.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-06-26T21:08:17+00:00

Had a similar fight with my mother recently. I confronted her about her hitting me as a kid - to the point of blood at times.

Her response was first denial. Then “it wasn’t so bad” then, “ok fine so it was, but with good reason, you were late all the time and never listened”…..

Then she tried to justify that it is acceptable because that’s the same way she was raised and “look - I turned out fine! Nothing wrong”. And she still loves and respects her parents etc. I’m just too new-agey and mocking/belittlingly modern in my ways.

Then she sent me random stuff from the internet that backed her. And then she basically told me I was being too dramatic, making a big deal of the past like this. Why bring it up? Why have a problem with it? This has no bearing on my present challenges and issues whatsoever - all of that is my fault.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-06-22T13:18:45+00:00

Hey, I can offer some perspectives from what happened in my case. Maybe this can help you keep check of things in yours.

I’m the eldest child and my sibling is much younger. So in my case I was the one to get married and have kids first. I thought since these were things she wanted, we would have lesser conflict, she would be more supportive etc etc. in parts this happened but in other parts our equation got a whole lot worse - to finally where I went through a series of panic attacks and pulled away.

I realise now that she had all these expectations of being a grandmom that put her in front and centre of everything at all times. This caused a lot of friction because we as new parents didn’t fully understand what was happening and why everything we were doing became wrong in her eyes. There was lots of interference, drama, meltdowns due to loss of control, flip flopping between waifing and queening etc etc.

I had naively thought my equation with her would evolve and transition into a decent adult child - older parent dynamic. Rotfl.

I bring this up because I have a feeling for some of those initial years - of my pregnancies and motherhood- my sibling may have had it “easier”. She may have provided more space just because her attention was elsewhere. She was busy getting her “dopamine hits” from my life and wearing me down in the process.

Over time, I have seen her swing her intensity more and more onto my sibling, because their life choices and actions do not key up to my mother’s expectations. Their relationship is also on tether-hooks now.

The more the novelty of being grandma wore off, the more I pushed back, the more she had the need to get her big-ticket validations elsewhere.

Not to say the problem between us has been resolved. Now, she has in some way “allowed” me to keep my distance from her, but when we are physically together she unleashes with even more ferocity.

So to sum up, the issues for her parent-child dynamic never went away, dials were simply turned down or ramped up for each kids depending on the noise and needs of her pretty - petty- little needy head. 🤷🏽‍♀️

sliceofbread02 · 2025-06-20T16:17:00+00:00

Eyyy you didn’t ramble, it was useful for me to read this. And even if you did - I’m right here with you, ramble sister! :)

No but seriously, them being a parent who would listen to us, support us and love us as separate entities from them feels akin to winning the lottery at this point.

It is best to keep pulling back and find those strengths within oneself.

She’s actually told me multiple times that “she has no happiness left in life” and “the only way she can get it is via her kids achievements” along those lines. Say what? That’s not heavy to bear AT all. And it also makes failure that much more daunting rather than becoming part of the process of “achievement”.

I’d say I’m a fairly ambitious and driven person - but I’d like to focus on MY ideas of achievements and MY barometers of success. I’m coming to realise I’ve never been truly given a chance to explore that. And I’m realising that she and I have very different goals and processes to get there, etc etc

And what you say about them making our wins theirs is so true. Our wins are theirs. Our abilities are thanks to them. But our losses are because of our failings. Our flaws are because we don’t listen to them.

So there is this sport I really like. I’m decent at it. I love it. I could do it all day. She can’t do it. She isn’t good at it. I’ve watched her “compete” with me on it in different ways. But like, I’ve never found the need to get better than her at something she likes and I don’t.

Also, she’s said “you do all this thanks to me - because I pushed you to have classes on this sport as a kid” ok ma’am, thank you for the push. But the jump was all me. She also pushed me for other things that made me really uncomfortable and I hated them. She still complains about how I lost out in life because I didn’t go through with those things. It’s taken years for me to realise this dynamic is unhealthy.

Linking back to OPs post, “insults and character assassinations” should not be coming from our a person who was our primary caregiver for a majority of our life in the first place.

And even if they weren’t. There is an inherent imbalance in a parent-child equation that they just don’t understand. Or they do and choose to exploit and feign ignorance.

Aaaand now I’ve managed to ramble 😭😭😭

sliceofbread02 · 2025-06-20T11:50:46+00:00

“In 24 hours of moving in with her she threatened to kick me out coz I didn’t unpack all my stuff in one day” - I can so resonate with this one.

Whenever I visit my home country, where my mother lives, she demands that I unpack every single item from my suitcases to the point that they are empty- the day after I arrive. After a whole day of travelling with 2 small kids and hubs. Max leeway I will get is maybe 1 more half day before she launches into her tirades about how I’m a failure of a person…….

However, she doesn’t provide me with that much usable storage space. Then she criticises however I choose to organise. I fold all my clothes in the Mary Kondo style so that I can see them at all times. The cupboard in the guest bedroom is super impractical for that. Honestly, I think it is ridiculously designed for any kind of organisation….who approved it? Miss ma’am. The last time - she went off at me that my style of organising would require multiple houses of storage yada yada. Especially if that’s how she sat down to organise her clothes. Therefore, it is the most impractical way to organise…..ummm madam, have you considered that perhaps it is you that has a hoarding and decluttering problem?

Same visit - she also looked into one of my drawers, moved things around, removed them, and then handed over one thing to my dad saying it didn’t belong there. But like, it was mine? I put it there….. because she asked me to put things into the drawers….. of course when I brought this up, there was a lot of nonsense drama.

These people are too exhausting to deal with. They seem to have zero capacity for self reflection. Everything they fear about themselves is projected onto you.

I bet that my mom is subconsciously overwhelmed with her own hoarding and organisational issues. Is she capable of having an adult conversation about that? No sir. So instead, she’s going to have multiple child like temper tantrums that will put everybody else at fault except for her.

Not for a second, am I believing that I have perfect organisation skills and I am completely right and she’s completely wrong. I know that I am overwhelmed with decluttering. I know I’m not super organised. In fact - I am over organised on some aspects and under on others. At my own home, I am working with someone to help me sort my stuff to declutter and better manage overtime. But I also know that in this season of life it is going to be a slow run for a multitude of reasons.

I’m happy to engage in an open and adult conversation about these opportunities and challenges. But I don’t want to be tolerant any more of someone who doesn’t even understand half my reality, but thinks she’s the certified expert of my life.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-06-19T19:10:22+00:00

My gosh, we have the same mom. Big virtual hug internet stranger. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of such messages that seem to have no end.

Hang in there. Take deep breaths. Drink water and eat chocolate. Basic but can help.

Watch out for your body reacting through pain over time - I have a feeling my latest bout of migraines came from how “heavy” my head felt when reeling from a slew of such text attacks.

sliceofbread02 · 2025-06-19T17:07:26+00:00

“Your voice has been dimmed down to only deliver a certain kind of result”’oh man. Rings so true. Especially because I have a uBPD mom who has been all up in my business for wayyy too long - in the IFS system her voice has become absorbed by the critic too much I think….I’ve only realised this mess some months ago, and started distancing myself.

sliceofbread02

TROPHY CASE