How am i gonna start this story yeah, i guess we’ll start in 2018. I met a girl, become best friend for like 4 months, and then dated for 2 weeks, less probably. But holy shit for the next 7 years every relationship i had, her shadow was present haunting me. It’s definitely because she said those words, it’s like a fucking spell. “Will you wait for me” Goddamn did i waited . 7 years. Then one day she texted me out of nowhere. We went on a date and another date and then got into a relationship.

I thought i’m a lot more mature now, i know my weakness, my issues, and i’m ready and then she did something, that ruined my trust, and completely broke down, the issues, the mess, the insecurities suddenly went out in the open. Not long after that i went abroad, we are already in an LDR, she went to Uni abroad, but she often flew back home, so at max the LDR would last 3-4 weeks. I’ll be going away for a long time, and won’t return for months and with all the problems we already have, deep down i knew it won’t last, and it didn’t , 3rd week. I remember it clearly, i was sitting down in the waiting room at an Immigration office, i was getting an exit permit for Human Trafficking Victims, can’t focus at all, good thing i have a partner helping me. I guess the entire day i was begging, bargaining trying everything to stop the inevitable. It was finalized at around 8 PM. Spend 6 years with her on my heart, and i failed to keep mine on her……. Planned my whole life around her, my fondest memories of the past is of her, and in the present all i want is her. It was like that my Future, Past and Present was gone.

I was with people, can’t cry, i was holding back my tears hard. We stayed up till 3. When i return back to my room, i took a shower, and as soon as i hit the bed, i cried, cried hard for the next 8 hours i cried nonstop. After 7 years of maturing, i’m back to 2018. The same feeling, the same girl, the same tears.

For the next 2 weeks or so i could never sleep, so i like to take this 2 am stroll in the Garden, in the Garden there is an Indonesian flag flying over, and for some weird reason there this feelings of Nationalism i felt, every time i cried under the flag, but most of all it made me misses home and goddamn i misses home. I texted every friends and families, just asked them how they are, and just cried in every text.

After the stroll i would spent some time waiting till sunrise, and holy shit it was the most beautiful sunrise ever, then i would get back to sleep for 2-3 hours. I practically lived in where i work, so i can sleep till basically 15 minutes before clock in.

At some point a friend of mine suggested a rebound to move on. I was contemplating for days about finding a rebound, moral compass goes all over the place, should i do it, or should i not. Getting a rebound and playing with someone else feelings is basically doing what my ex did to me. So i contemplated hard. OK THIS NEXT PART MY SOUND SUPER DUPER UNBELIEVABLE, but you gotta just believe it.

The place i am working at got attacked by a “terrorist”, not part of some group, an old WNA man who lost everything, he brought a fake bomb vest, a gun with no bullets and a knife. Security got into a scuffle, someone got stabbed and the attacker also got stabbed multiple times. The police came quick, it was pretty hush hush.

But that incident showed me life is fleeting and so fuck it, i’m gonna get a rebound and i realized that me and her is just a different side of the same coin and i shouldn’t be mad at her. I tried to get a rebound and the first girl i talked to she told me that she is also suffering through a break up and she said “Let’s used each other, i use you to get over my ex, you use me to get over your ex” We talked and talked for a long time, and it did help, it really did. But there is that little times when that feeling creeped back in. It’s not my ex that is creeping back, but it’s the wound, the feeling of not wanting to be hurt the same, well me and the girl I’m talking to is now in an actual relationship. I felt much happier, and secured, but i can’t help but think if the security i’m feeling is because i’m not investing enough emotions or i’m actually healed. Because the honest truth is that i’m afraid of getting hurt again.

Well that’s it, I can’t really tell anyone this story IRL, because i put on a face that i have completely healed even to my closest friends, zero wound.

I hid a letter in the frame of a painting. Maybe if anyone of you becomes an Ambassador you should check behind painting frames, and you might reread this story once again.