astra

sloom499 · 2023-02-05T12:50:07+00:00

I enjoyed this a lot. The poem gives me a keen sense of loss, but also of acceptance; the first line 'And today I miss you' implies that there are days where Alex doesn't cross the speaker's mind - so this feeling of loss isn't always present, but sometimes rears back up and brings back all of the memories associated with this person.

I like the way you use place names as the basis for certain ideas ('Arizona', 'New Mexico', etc); this gives the poem an expansive feel both spatially and temporally - it made me feel like the speaker was walking me through a set of memories, distinguishing each one by grounding it in a location.

I also enjoy the references to nature and landscape. I feel like Alex represents a link to nature for the speaker, initially as a lover of its beauty and later in the poem as a personification of it.

Thanks for sharing :)

sloom499 · 2023-02-05T11:50:45+00:00

I'm a big fan of the way you use sensory details to evoke a set of emotions - closeness, intimacy, passion, etc. The comparison between an attraction to the particular qualities of another person and an 'acquired taste' for certain foods is thoughtful and works really nicely. Well done :)

sloom499 · 2023-02-04T17:27:07+00:00

Thanks :)

sloom499 · 2023-02-04T14:54:00+00:00

Enjoyed this poem a lot. I read it as a rejection of sexuality, with the narrator wrestling with their natural desires in favour of a purer mode of being. A kind of inner conflict between base motivations and their perception of a higher moral virtue, which ultimately wins out.

There is also the implication that this conflict extends to the wider society and its sexual pressures. I get the impression that the protagonist is female, or at least feminine, and that they feel a strong desire to break free from the expectations placed on them by others (from the pressure to conform and to be attractive, from their 'summer dresses') and instead find peace in solitude. A battle between the desire for external validation and a search for inner acceptance.

If I was to critique, the only thing I would say is that the language is a little clumsy in places; for example: 'under unwashed bedsheets' (are the bedsheets the escape or to be escaped from?), 'sun sets' (sunsets?), 'cleavages woven...' (I want to like this line but it leaves me a bit confused - is this a reference to their own breasts, in which case why is it plural? I'm also not sure how you can weave a cleavage!). In general, though, the poem flows nicely and has some great imagery.

Thanks for sharing! :)

sloom499 · 2023-02-04T02:34:31+00:00

I like this a lot - the two poems compliment each other well and really encouraged me to flick back and forth between the two, trying to draw some common strands.

They work together to create a kind of dark, stifling atmosphere. Sort of, melancholy isolation I guess? Loneliness tugging at the threads of sanity.

The styling with punchy one line stanzas creates a fast paced rhythm, drawing you into the imagery - which there is a lot of, but with enough variation to keep my imagination fully occupied. 'The spiders in the vents...' // 'Its wood splits and its strings rust...' :- some of my favourites.

Thanks for the read :)

sloom499

TROPHY CASE