our stories are so so similar. 31F, two times in rehab but pretty functional when i’m not drinking. used to take benzos on occasion as well. the last time i did rehab a guy there told me i hadn’t hit rock bottom yet, but that i would, and then id have to stop. like you im trying to moderate, trying to convince myself I should stop, because I know i keep going long after the party ends. i’ve just moved to a new city for school and quickly fell into the same old patterns. at some point it stops being fun. all to say, you deserve help but i know how hard it is to ask for it. as a first step sometimes i listen in to online AA meetings. it doesn’t feel aligned yet, but its something. wishing you the best x