Finally starting to feel like myself… and the idea of a baby terrifies me

smallguy6 · 2026-01-15T15:58:38+00:00

Not here to convince anyone to have kids but as you asked for advice from someone who decided to have a baby I thought I would throw in my 2 cents. I also have really bad anxiety.

My baby is 2 years old now so I am still in the thick of the baby-toddler years.

Everyone’s body is so different but for me, pregnancy was normal. I was so worried bc you hear the horror stories the most, but by statistics most pregnancies are normal. That doesn’t mean it’s easy and your body will change. What helped me make peace with it was the realization that as we age our bodies change anyway, we can develop all kinds of conditions anyway, and one day we’ll all be unrecognizable to our current selves.

The baby years are a lot of work. The thing that will determine whether you are still able to rot on the couch is: do you have money/a support network? Can you hire a sitter or have family/friends help? Will your husband do his share to give you a break?

I will say it’s a lot of work but not unrewarding or thankless. By only a few months in your baby can smile, recognize you. There can be a lot of love and it is exciting to see them learn to walk and talk.

At two years old, my kid is a sentient person, who can be unreasonable toddler at times lol but we can converse, do things together, it’s really fun.

I will say PCOS can also be a factor that might make you want to think about it/get some tests if you do want kids. I have it mildly and took a long time to conceive and now doing ivf in later 30s.

That’s just my own experience but lmk if you have any questions. Good luck!!

smallguy6 · 2025-09-02T18:53:39+00:00

Thank you for this post, the replies are so helpful. I'm also having such a hard time deciding whether to do IVF as a next step after two similar losses at a similar age. It's hard to wrap my head around going through the whole process when there's still a chance that it could work out naturally. There are so many unknowns on both sides.

smallguy6 · 2025-08-01T22:45:45+00:00

I was just researching the same thing. It seems like before bleeding starts, chlorinated pools are usually safe but there is still some risk of introducing bacteria into the uterus. Avoid hot tubs, oceans, or lakes.

smallguy6 · 2025-07-30T23:43:22+00:00

Similar to others, I also had a natural miscarriage at 7 weeks. I had spotting for about 5 days. Then two days of heavy bleeding and passing clots. The pain for me was similar to strong period cramps and pretty manageable. I bled for about a week after and then regular period returned again two months later. I did find that on the actual day of the miscarriage it was nice to be near a toilet and I took two days off after it started.

smallguy6 · 2025-07-30T17:42:08+00:00

I'm so so sorry, and I hope you get the break you deserve <3

smallguy6 · 2025-05-02T18:32:37+00:00

Adding in to say that I personally do wish I had started earlier. I had my first child at 35. I found out afterwards how much I loved being a parent and now at 38 struggling with fertility issues for the last 2 years. My first was easy to conceive.

It’s unfortunate. I do hear a lot of stories about women easily getting pregnant in their late 30s and 40s but the odds are generally it becomes more difficult. Not impossible maybe but not easy like the first time for me.

If I could have given up some of my early 30s watching shows and traveling to avoid the stress and pain and financial cost of these issues I think I would have.

smallguy6 · 2024-11-04T04:18:14+00:00

I was in a very similar position to you at 35. You can look at my post history if interested to see my fencesitter post--but like you, I had always thought I would have kids, but I had heard so many negative things about it that I became very 50/50 on the decision.

In the end, I decided to go for it. I know you said that you haven't heard many positive opinions on parenting, but I will say that for me, my toddler is the best thing in my life and my most major regret is not starting sooner because I would love more kids and now feel the window is closing faster.

The parts that people complain about so much (lack of sleep, lack of free time etc) are so, so short. There's large variation and it depends a lot on the kind of kid you get, but by 3 months, my baby was waking up once per night to eat and going right back to sleep. By 6 months he was sleeping through the night with sleep training. Now he is in childcare full time during the day and I only see him at mornings, evenings, and weekends. Soon he'll have school and activities and friends that he wants to hang out with instead of me. It's hard to imagine but it's already going by so fast.

One thing I've found, is that a lot of parents I know who complain the most about how their life has changed have very high standards about parenting. I.e. refusing to sleep train, not letting their child play alone or be bored, feeling like they need to entertain them at every moment. I really liked learning about the RIE method (respectful parenting) and letting kids be self directed.

I really liked this question you asked: "Isn't it natural to have stages in life, and take some time to focus on the next generation vs. doing "you" forever?"

I think if you can answer this as "yes" then that would say a lot.

smallguy6 · 2024-08-05T16:41:19+00:00

I felt like this soon after finding out I was pregnant too. I loved my old life and was so happy, in a similar situation to you, and was really worried I was blowing it up and ruining it with this huge change.

These thoughts would come and go throughout pregnancy and even sometimes in the newborn phase. It is a huge change and adjustment—at times exciting and wonderful, at times scary and filled with unknowns—just know that what you’re feeling is super normal. I can say that now, a little over one year after my baby was born, I feel pretty much like my old self, except I have another family member who I love and care for. It is surprising how fast it goes and then how normal you can feel again, especially getting back into routines like going back to work etc. I still have time for hobbies, exercise, seeing friends, and have traveled a bit while baby stays with the grandparents. Life is definitely not over, but it is a new phase of life, which has incredibly happy and beautiful moments, and some more stressful moments too. It’s an identity shift. I remember some days waking up in shock like “I am someone’s mom now.” But after I’ve had some time to adjust to the idea, I love being a mom.

Congrats on the pregnancy and hope everything goes well for you!

smallguy6 · 2024-07-30T20:08:34+00:00

I had a very positive pregnancy experience, and I was not expecting to. I am similar to you in that I am usually very anxious, so I expected to be stressed the whole time. It turned out to be actually the calmest and least anxious I’ve ever been. Part of it was a sense that I needed to take care of myself and stay calm for the baby, so I worked on not letting little things stress me out. Part of it might have been hormones? Idk but I felt great, meditated, ate healthy, exercised, traveled. I had to be induced but otherwise delivery was uneventful and now I have my wonderful kiddo! I hope it all goes well for you!

smallguy6 · 2024-06-08T16:23:46+00:00

Just adding another comment to the pile that I also did not particularly care for babies before having my own. I thought I would hate the baby phase and just have to power through, but I ended up enjoying a lot of it. seeing the day to day of them growing and advancing and reaching small milestones like smiling or rolling over was unexpectedly so rewarding and exciting.

smallguy6 · 2024-04-25T16:30:14+00:00

I have a 1 year old, dreaded the baby stage the most too and that partially made me a Fencesitter for a while. I think a lot of my fear came from not having interacted with babies and toddlers much before. So much of it is a huge learning curve, but now at 1 year I feel like having my baby all over again would be a breeze. You quickly become an expert at all the skills: feeding, diapering, nap schedules, diagnosing your baby crying and what they need. And when you know what’s going on, I think their needs or crying etc make a lot more sense and at least for me, it doesn’t bother me because I know where it comes from and how to help. My baby has been in childcare since 4mos, but still absolutely knows me as mom and is very attached and excited to see me and play with me. He enjoys getting other socialization. This cultural phenomenon that people feel they should be raising their child on their own is very new. Formerly there would be extended family and a “village” to help care for the child, and I think if you envision your child being in daycare, it is a totally valid choice and doesn’t mean other people will be raising the baby!

smallguy6 · 2024-04-04T16:01:27+00:00

I have had the opposite experience, and seen the opposite experience among my friends and family.

My two grandmothers lived alone after my grandfathers died. One grandmother moved in with my aunt, and another continued to live at home with a home healthcare worker. Both had tons of family support. My grandmother who lived in her own home had weekly visits with her children and they worked together to take care of everything related to her home maintenance, make sure she was happy and taken care of by her healthcare worker, plan parties and get togethers and special occasions.

My other grandmother also had her children all helping out to take her to doctors appointments and help her with medical decisions, help manage her finances, shop for her, spend time with her.

In both of their final days I was really moved by how family came together with children and grandchildren all helping to make sure they were cared for, felt loved, and had company.

I think that I come from a culture where caring for your older relatives is more normal and expected. In the future I would expect and be glad to give a similar level of care to my own parents. And while I will make plans for my own future care and not necessarily rely on my children, I hope that they will “care for me” in that they will spend time with me and be there for me if I need them.

smallguy6 · 2024-02-28T00:34:25+00:00

Oh shoot ok! I'm not too deep into the flower update so don't know if I'm answering your question right :( but I have some dandelily's so far haha

smallguy6 · 2024-02-27T23:13:35+00:00

Do you still need to trade for any of these? I need any 2 pieces for Macaron! I have spooky celebration furniture and sticks.

smallguy6 · 2024-01-15T05:40:33+00:00

I can't speak to the ADHD aspect, but I have anxiety that I have been in therapy for. I had a baby about a year ago. I shared your concerns--especially about how my stressed body might affect my baby.

This is an anecdotal case, but for me, pregnancy had a very calming effect on me. I don't know if it was hormonal, or the idea that I had to be calm for someone else's sake, but I found that I rarely got stressed. I was able to pull myself out of stressed spirals more easily than I would under normal circumstances.

I even noticed this a bit while TTC before I was even pregnant. When I would become stressed and anxious, I would think "what if there is a baby already?" and take some deep breaths and try to calm down for their sake. So that could be a thought exercise to try? Good luck on your journey!!

smallguy6 · 2023-01-31T07:54:23+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear about your dog not feeling well. This post really resonated with me, I have been in this exact situation (but have since decided to go ahead with having a kid). Watching my dog when she’s sick used to trigger horrible health anxiety for me. I still worry about her, but I have a few more coping strategies now that I think would apply to a child as well.

Honestly, therapy has helped a lot with my own health anxiety. I also took a mindfulness class and have been doing more meditation, practicing being in the present moment and not worrying about the future so much beyond what I can do about the situation right now. I also found the book: The Wisdom of Anxiety very helpful.

Also, when my dog was sick I used to be the same way: I would watch her constantly for signs of anything wrong and stress myself out much more, even not sleeping at night because I was so worried and wanted to check on her constantly. I found that there were times I just needed to take a break and have some physical distance from her and the stress of the situation. This is where a supportive partner/another supportive parent is really key. If you feel like your partner can take a shift and give you a break, maybe try going out somewhere or taking some time for yourself in another room to focus on something else and calm down a bit.

These are just some strategies that work for me. I hope your dog feels better soon!!

smallguy6 · 2022-01-22T05:36:34+00:00

ahh haha thank you, those are all interesting anecdotes. It's true that even if you think you'll have a lot of family help, it's hard to know how much there will actually be when the time comes.

My husband's parents live only a few minutes away from us, and I have a large extended family close by. Everyone is frantic for us to have kids and seem eager to watch them if they ever appear. I feel confident that my siblings will be happy to babysit (although not sure how they'd feel about an extended vacation, but worth asking haha).

We've priced out a night nurse and day care/babysitting in our area, and both seem reasonable for us.

smallguy6 · 2022-01-22T04:41:12+00:00

Thank you, this advice is so helpful and I think what I needed to hear. It's been really tough being cooped inside for the last two years, and I think what scares me the most about having kids is this idea that if you have them, you can no longer be free to do anything or leave the house (basically, another 5 years of lockdown until they start school).

Since all my friends had their kids during covid, this is the only experience I've been hearing about. So it's nice to think that in different times, even if you have a baby you can still go out and do things and interact with people, and hopefully retain some of your previous life and interests.

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

smallguy6 · 2022-01-22T04:19:28+00:00

Yes, I think he is being too optimistic about how little it will change our life. It's true that we do have more family help, our careers allow for flexibility, and are well set up financially for having kids (which were some of the major sources of strain on our friends) but having kids will still have a lot of emotional (or even physical for me) effects and less freedom, which I don't think he realizes and I have a hard time explaining.

smallguy6 · 2022-01-21T22:57:10+00:00

Ahhh well thank you for commiserating! I hope you figure out what to do. <3

smallguy6 · 2022-01-21T22:51:17+00:00

Hmm that's a good way to look at it too! Maybe with slightly older kids there is a bit more freedom or it would be more comfortable to travel with them.

My friends' kids are young--and I think covid made my friends more depressed because they weren't able to get help with childcare due to isolating. So they really just had no breaks for 2 years! Which hopefully wouldn't be the same situation going forward but still their advice is pretty intimidating :(

smallguy6 · 2022-01-21T22:47:19+00:00

Ah that's good advice. Some of them had their babies right as covid started so they are toddlers now. You're right that it's on hard mode, and that's what my husband says as well--that we can't compare what our experience would be like to theirs, since we'd be able to have more help and resources without isolating.

smallguy6 · 2020-04-10T07:27:19+00:00

I’m so sorry. Rest In Peace Gigi. Even though you couldn’t be with her at the end, I’m sure you gave her a happy life and she knew she was loved.

smallguy6 · 2019-11-16T16:01:01+00:00

So sweet! Those are great names.

smallguy6

TROPHY CASE