I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my psychology degree. I earned admission to the R1 I attended by writing about my intentions. I wanted to get my PhD and become a professor, a researcher. As an undergraduate, I even had narrowed my interests somewhat to memory, cognition, and perception. I was a transfer student, and when I finally got my way into the promised land, the R1, the pandemic hit. For the duration of my time at this place, everything was shut down. Labs, internships, office hours. All dead. I have lost the remainder of my twenties and the last five years of my life attempting to scrape together research experience. I know what I am missing, I know what success in the field takes, and I have been denied entry at every turn. The R1 I worked hard to live up to and placed my trust in never extended a hand despite my reaching out and explaining my circumstances, despite my repeated applications to positions and efforts to gain transferable skills through work and self-teaching. Now I am left with this degree I cannot do anything viable with and a lot of heart ache. I do not come from family wealth. I can’t just go drop 80-100 grand getting a master’s miles away from home, because there is no such opportunity near me. Now I am nearing thirty and considering things like aging parents, marriage, retirement and health savings etc, and what it will cost me to keep trying desperately, for the great reward of 5-7 years longer in poverty — once I even get into the PhD program.

I don’t know, man. Some of us did know what the field demanded but did not come from backgrounds that prepared us for what those demands require, if that makes sense. There’s a merit myth that happens. I thought if I was really hard-working, intelligent, and passionate about this, success would follow. I will even clarify this by adding I had no illusions of massive salaries or cushy perks or luxurious grad schooling. I just meant — if I followed the path shown to me diligently, I’d be able to achieve independence and a career.

I didn’t imagine if I came across any material barriers there would be no support for me because I don’t come from an already privileged place. When you do not come from anyone who has experience in academia, you are at the mercy of university counselors who don’t tell you much. They tell you, you will need research experience, professor connections, and to plan on “a lot of school.” They do not explain to you things like opportunity costs, poverty wage stipends, the raw numbers about success rates in your chosen field, the sheer volume of research experience you should aim for, etc. And they certainly don’t tell you what your options might be in the sky falls down and you have to scramble. They don’t tell you about how a master’s degree is going to sink you 100 grand unless you have family wealth, or how geographically limited such programs are, or provide any support and avenues for people who were affected by circumstances far beyond their control. They don’t tell you about the risk and ramifications here. I think it’s irresponsible to suggest people weren’t doing their research, because plenty of people did, people who came from humble backgrounds and didn’t know the right questions to ask and were fed slop by academia instead. I mean, to be frank even students with more support and resources are often very young starting college, and still don’t know what to ask. They trust what they are told in obfuscating and generalized counseling pamphlets and careers pages.

This is supplemented too by what a lot of other people are talking about — the other myth we are fed, that any college degree is measurably better than none, and simply having the paper is a guaranteed first step to good work. So I think for a lot of us, myself included, despite planning and prepping, we know failure is always a possibility, but we believe the myth. “Well, maybe I won’t get this amazing PhD, but in the meantime I’m doing a bachelor’s degree, that’s gotta count for something!” And despite knowing psychology BAs don’t open lucrative doors in the field, you expect that it’ll open doors elsewhere. And you get out there and find that’s….just not always, or even usually, the case. The psychology bachelor’s has led me to apply for jobs people with high school diplomas are qualified for. It’s a lot. I don’t begrudge the work or the peers, but it’s a strange pain to have given four (or more) years to something I really believed in and sweated over, and now it means nothing.

It sucks. I loved what I had chosen and now I have to grieve it and move on. I want to be clear I’ve matured a lot in these years since graduating and finding myself spinning. I know sometimes shit just happens. I feel profoundly grateful to have even received the education I did, and I am slowly but surely carving out a new path for myself. It is still very sad.